Confirmation

Is it just me?

Maybe it’s all in my head…

Surely if our friends and family notice something wrong, they would say something, or ask if he’s okay…

Other than a few close friends, most people brush off my worries when I express my concerns about hubby's health.

It is hard to explain to people exactly WHAT I see that leads me to believe Hubby has HD.  Whenever I try to list my suspicions, concerns, and observations, people make excuses for him…”We are all getting older” or “it’s a guy thing.”  I must not be able to explain what I see very well. 

So I began to just shut down and not speak about it.

 

“You’ll find whatever you are looking for, so if you are looking for symptoms, you will see those behaviors whether they are symptoms or not.”  But…I don’t know how people cannot see what I see, and how do they not hear me when I express my concerns about his health? 

I convince myself again, that it must all be in my head, and I must be imagining things…but…I know…so…I’ve stopped sharing my concerns.  I withdraw.  I hide my true feelings and concerns.

And I haven’t written here.

I haven’t talked.

I’ve built a few walls around my feelings.

Meanwhile, I anxiously take note of what I see, and silently try to squash my fears.  I share them only with my Lord and a very few friends who listen when I express myself.

Yes – I TRUST GOD!  I trust His plan!  I know He works all things together for good.  I only survive with HIS strength and HIS peace, but I still live in a lot of dark moments within the shadow of death and fear.  But then I try to trick myself into believing that there really is nothing wrong.  It’s all in my head.

 

Surely, as my friends say, I am just imagining things, right?

But slowly, confirmation of my doubts and fears are coming in. 

All of these continual struggles at work.

All of the twitching.

All of the mental delays and memory loss.

All of the depression and mood swings.

All of the tripping and trouble walking.

All of the symptom-after-symptom I see every day.

It all adds up.

And friends begin to notice…AND friends finally begin to say something.

 

We hunted this weekend with our friends.  We were there for 24 hours, arriving Saturday afternoon and leaving Sunday afternoon.  We have known and hunted with Andy for 12 years, and George for around 10, and Erik for 5 years.  We have not seen Erik in 4 years or George in 5 years, but Andy saw hubby briefly a year ago in 2014.  I had driven my car up to go bowhunting with Andy and shot a mule deer buck.  I had to call Hubby to come up with the truck.  So, Andy saw Hubby for a few hours that evening, while we glassed for some elk and then loaded up my buck.

Within a few minutes of arriving in camp this fall (2015), each and every one of them commented on Hubby’s physical appearance. 

            Is your back okay?  You look like your back hurts.

            Are your legs alright?  You are walking funny.

            Did you hurt your knee?  You are having a hard time with the stairs.

Hubby had an excuse for each comment…”Oh, I’m fine, I’m just walking on my pants…” or whatever excuse he felt like using at the moment…

We had a good time hunting other than that, although I often felt like I had to “take the lead” for our family and for hubby.  Decision making was simply too hard for him to do.

We were there for 24 hours and came home yesterday.  Today, the guys called specifically to tell me how concerned they are.  These are guys – guys don’t do that.  They all have noticed a major change in Hubby.  They are all very upset and concerned and know that he is “just not right” and he is “a little off” and he “just isn’t HIM anymore.” 

So….my suspicions are confirmed.

I asked them the same questions everyone uses on me.

You don’t think he’s just getting older?  A resounding “NO!”

Andy quietly tells me, “You are not imagining things, we can all see it, and are very concerned, and have been talking about it all morning. We cannot ignore it anymore, he needs to get tested.”

Oh, how grateful I am for their honesty.  For their concern and their love.  For HEARING what my heart says with just a few words expressed verbally.

I know that was a difficult conversation for them to have.  It isn’t often you hear grown men choke up on the phone as they go out of their way to express their care for another dude.  I am blessed.  I cannot express how much I appreciate their honesty and care and offers to help someway, somehow.

With this confirmation, brings tears, but also, strangely, relief.  I’m not crazy.  The stress of not knowing was doing me in.  The days and nights of wondering if he was having symptoms or if I was making it all up.  I would wake up each morning by having a panic attack as I wondered about his health and our future.  The uncertainty was killing me.  But now someone else is confirming it for me.  He is sick, just as I suspected.  He has to be.  If it isn't HD, he still has something wrong, but what else could it be?

So, what now?

I will have to catch Hubby on a rare good day.  A day where he is mentally capable of listening to a conversation.  A chance to talk uninterrupted and tell him it is time.  It is time to get tested.  But he is so depressed, so detached, so delayed…the timing for this conversation has to be right, or it will not go well.

Oh, Lord.  Oh, Lord, give me the words to speak.

This is the second time in the last 3 months where a close family friend, who has not seen Hubby in a year or more, sees Hubby, and then says, “He just is not himself” and “He is off – he isn’t the same R we have always known” and “there is something wrong with him.”  

It is time to listen. 

(September 2015)