Confirmation

Is it just me?

Maybe it’s all in my head…

Surely if our friends and family notice something wrong, they would say something, or ask if he’s okay…

Other than a few close friends, most people brush off my worries when I express my concerns about hubby's health.

It is hard to explain to people exactly WHAT I see that leads me to believe Hubby has HD.  Whenever I try to list my suspicions, concerns, and observations, people make excuses for him…”We are all getting older” or “it’s a guy thing.”  I must not be able to explain what I see very well. 

So I began to just shut down and not speak about it.

 

“You’ll find whatever you are looking for, so if you are looking for symptoms, you will see those behaviors whether they are symptoms or not.”  But…I don’t know how people cannot see what I see, and how do they not hear me when I express my concerns about his health? 

I convince myself again, that it must all be in my head, and I must be imagining things…but…I know…so…I’ve stopped sharing my concerns.  I withdraw.  I hide my true feelings and concerns.

And I haven’t written here.

I haven’t talked.

I’ve built a few walls around my feelings.

Meanwhile, I anxiously take note of what I see, and silently try to squash my fears.  I share them only with my Lord and a very few friends who listen when I express myself.

Yes – I TRUST GOD!  I trust His plan!  I know He works all things together for good.  I only survive with HIS strength and HIS peace, but I still live in a lot of dark moments within the shadow of death and fear.  But then I try to trick myself into believing that there really is nothing wrong.  It’s all in my head.

 

Surely, as my friends say, I am just imagining things, right?

But slowly, confirmation of my doubts and fears are coming in. 

All of these continual struggles at work.

All of the twitching.

All of the mental delays and memory loss.

All of the depression and mood swings.

All of the tripping and trouble walking.

All of the symptom-after-symptom I see every day.

It all adds up.

And friends begin to notice…AND friends finally begin to say something.

 

We hunted this weekend with our friends.  We were there for 24 hours, arriving Saturday afternoon and leaving Sunday afternoon.  We have known and hunted with Andy for 12 years, and George for around 10, and Erik for 5 years.  We have not seen Erik in 4 years or George in 5 years, but Andy saw hubby briefly a year ago in 2014.  I had driven my car up to go bowhunting with Andy and shot a mule deer buck.  I had to call Hubby to come up with the truck.  So, Andy saw Hubby for a few hours that evening, while we glassed for some elk and then loaded up my buck.

Within a few minutes of arriving in camp this fall (2015), each and every one of them commented on Hubby’s physical appearance. 

            Is your back okay?  You look like your back hurts.

            Are your legs alright?  You are walking funny.

            Did you hurt your knee?  You are having a hard time with the stairs.

Hubby had an excuse for each comment…”Oh, I’m fine, I’m just walking on my pants…” or whatever excuse he felt like using at the moment…

We had a good time hunting other than that, although I often felt like I had to “take the lead” for our family and for hubby.  Decision making was simply too hard for him to do.

We were there for 24 hours and came home yesterday.  Today, the guys called specifically to tell me how concerned they are.  These are guys – guys don’t do that.  They all have noticed a major change in Hubby.  They are all very upset and concerned and know that he is “just not right” and he is “a little off” and he “just isn’t HIM anymore.” 

So….my suspicions are confirmed.

I asked them the same questions everyone uses on me.

You don’t think he’s just getting older?  A resounding “NO!”

Andy quietly tells me, “You are not imagining things, we can all see it, and are very concerned, and have been talking about it all morning. We cannot ignore it anymore, he needs to get tested.”

Oh, how grateful I am for their honesty.  For their concern and their love.  For HEARING what my heart says with just a few words expressed verbally.

I know that was a difficult conversation for them to have.  It isn’t often you hear grown men choke up on the phone as they go out of their way to express their care for another dude.  I am blessed.  I cannot express how much I appreciate their honesty and care and offers to help someway, somehow.

With this confirmation, brings tears, but also, strangely, relief.  I’m not crazy.  The stress of not knowing was doing me in.  The days and nights of wondering if he was having symptoms or if I was making it all up.  I would wake up each morning by having a panic attack as I wondered about his health and our future.  The uncertainty was killing me.  But now someone else is confirming it for me.  He is sick, just as I suspected.  He has to be.  If it isn't HD, he still has something wrong, but what else could it be?

So, what now?

I will have to catch Hubby on a rare good day.  A day where he is mentally capable of listening to a conversation.  A chance to talk uninterrupted and tell him it is time.  It is time to get tested.  But he is so depressed, so detached, so delayed…the timing for this conversation has to be right, or it will not go well.

Oh, Lord.  Oh, Lord, give me the words to speak.

This is the second time in the last 3 months where a close family friend, who has not seen Hubby in a year or more, sees Hubby, and then says, “He just is not himself” and “He is off – he isn’t the same R we have always known” and “there is something wrong with him.”  

It is time to listen. 

(September 2015)

September

I have not always loved September.

Not until I met Rob and he introduced me to bow hunting and elk in Montana’s mountains. 

It was magical.  The elk were magical.  The golden aspen leaves quaking in the breeze.  The bugling bulls and talking cows.  The frosty mornings and dry afternoons.  The grasshoppers flipping through the air while making one last mad dash for the summer.  The scorching sun, the drifting fog, the powerful thunderstorms and the sideways snow as the weather moves across the mountains.  The dust in my teeth and grit in my eyes.  And the smells of September – dry grass, dust, pines, and (most importantly) the musky smell of elk.  The hunger, the sore thighs, burning calves, the blistered feet, the insatiable thirst…and the joy of the stalk.  The thrill of following Rob around the wilderness, dodging grizzlies, following elk, getting chased by moose and freezing stock still while a bull stands over you dripping snot and shredding trees.  After falling in love with Rob, it was only natural to instantly fell in love with September.   It is what he did.  It was who he was…and he encouraged me to be a part of it.  I couldn’t count the bulls he did not shoot over the years while he tried to help me get my first elk with a bow.  He could have shot several each day, but he worked tirelessly to get me on an elk instead.

But…now….here we are…in my favorite month…when we should be in the mountains, but we are not. 

I think about how much has changed since that first newly-loved September.  We used to be intense, back country hunters – he with years of experience, trying to teach me – a total rookie.  We would hunt for 2-3 weeks straight plus every weekend the rest of the season.  We would become part of the mountain and part of the elk’s habitat.  We could go from 2 am to midnight, hike 15-20 miles of rugged terrain a day, stalk through the deep dark timber or across a grassy meadow at 9,000 feet.  We went all out.  Rob could walk through the woods like a cat, silent and deadly.  He routinely called in other hunters with his bugling.  He had an internal GPS that was amazing.

It was September 2012 when we hunted the Elkhorns on coveted bull tags. 

I had an indescribable, overwhelming feeling that hunt would be my “last hurrah” for getting an elk with my bow…for many reasons…and now, three years later, it seems I was right.

Leading up to that hunt, Rob had become noticeably forgetful and often his reaction time was lagging.  I tried brushing it off as we all get older and convinced myself that I didn’t need to be concerned.  Although there were many, many days, when I had doubts about his health.  For the most part, however, he seemed fine.  And then…well….then September came.

Our hunt was glorious, awesome, amazing and blessed.  It felt like a marriage retreat and a spiritual retreat rolled into one.  I loved it…every single second of that hunt…but…that hunt also gave me some real reasons to fear our future.  For it was that September, as I followed him through the mountains, that I was shocked by several obvious warning signs.  Most people would not have noticed them, or probably would not have been concerned, but I knew what was on the line for our future, and I was surprised by many things as I followed Rob around the woods that September.

This was my mountain man, who had extremely fast reflexes and reactions, who was like a cat on his feet, who could walk deadly silent while stalking through the trees or grass (I always felt 10 times louder than him no matter how hard I tried!), and who had an insanely accurate innate sense of direction.  I swear, you could blind fold him and drop him out of a helicopter in a mountain range in the pitch black of night, and not only could he tell you which way was North, South East and West, but he would walk out in a few hours exactly where he expected he would be.  He made Bear Grylls, Rambo, McGuyver and Jeremiah Johnson look like a bunch of city slicker pansies. 

But here we were chasing elk three years ago in September, and he walked very noisy.  He stumbled a lot.  Small twigs and deadfall were a problem for him, and what was worse, he seemed oblivious to that fact.  Oh, he wasn’t incredibly noisy and clumsy, and most people probably wouldn’t have even noticed, but he was noisy and stumbled enough that I really took notice, and started to worry.  There were a few times when his sense of direction was completely wrong.  I had to try to correct his course repeatedly and steer him in the correct direction.  I have always been the one who spooks the elk, but Rob spooked several bulls away from me, and generally made poor decisions throughout the hunt.  Over the course of the hunt, I began to make the majority of the decisions as we hunted, and began to feel like he was following me around the woods more than I was following him.  That frightened me more than anything.  He just had a lot of behaviors and movements that really scared me.  I felt like the handwriting was on the wall and I was seeing the beginning of a future that I had spent the last 16 years praying about.

I have spent a lot of time praying for God’s will to be done, and that He help me (and us) to accept His will regardless of what it is, and to give me the strength and peace to get through it when it comes.  There on the mountain in September 2012, I realized that I would need a lot more prayers.  Because in reality…I knew….

Now, here we are.  It is September 2015.  And I don’t know how Rob stays employed.  How has he not been fired?  Repeatedly!?! Now, instead of glimpses of “what might come someday” I only see glimpses of the old Rob, the normal Rob.  He has good days and bad days, so on good days, I talk myself out of pointing out all of his symptoms to him.  On bad days…I know we are being called to walk a road and path through life that I would prefer to avoid.  Now…now…now it is my September, and I know that He is very sick, and I need to convince him that there is a problem, and he needs to be tested for Huntington’s.  I live each day in fear that he will be fired or have a major accident at work.  I know his boss has to be extremely frustrated with his job performance.  If I can see the things that I see in the few hours that I see Rob in the evenings, then I wonder what on earth his boss or co-workers see in the 8-12 hours a day they are with him!  Maybe they just think that is who he is…but this is not Rob…this is the new Rob, plagued by mental and physical symptoms.

Laying all my stress and worry aside, we return to the mountains with our bows in hand, for it is September.  Instead of being there for weeks, we will be there for a matter of hours.  It seems that I see symptoms everywhere I look, and the guys in hunting camp notice immediately.  Grown men do not make it a point to talk about their feelings very often.  But they have spent many, many Septembers with us.  And they have known the real Rob, and they know that this is not him.  They call me the day after we left camp, specifically to tell me that they are very worried and concerned for him, and that I am not imagining things.  I love them all dearly for caring enough to say something.  It has been 5 years since George has seen Rob, and he told me it was immediately obvious that he has something very, very wrong.  He notices mental failings, movement and mobility issues, speech problems, unusual eye movement and all around physical and mental declines.  Immediately obvious.  Ouch. 

I must find the perfect time to break the news to Rob.  I am praying that God will provide an opportunity where he is mentally capable of having a conversation.  He needs to be able to focus on the conversation and be lucid and responsive in order to have a discussion.  It is impossible to have a conversation when his brain is not functioning.  He has so many bad days now, and is so exhausted, crabby and depressed after a day of work, that it is very difficult to find an opportunity to talk to him when he is mentally capable of having a conversation.  But, I will talk to him before September is gone.  I have a lot of anxiety and stress trying to find just the right chance to talk to him when he will understand what I am saying, and not knowing how exactly to tell him that one of his fears has come true. I pray, and I pray, and I pray, that God’s will and God’s timing and His good and perfect plan for our lives will fall into place.  I pray that HE provides the moment when Rob is capable to have a discussion, and to give me the strength and peace and words that I need.  Oh, how I miss my Rob, and all of those September days we spent chasing elk across the mountains.  But, now it is time to crush him with the news…

I am running out of September, and Septembers, with him.

(September 2015)

Tents and Dream Homes - August 11, 2014

I spent a day riding dirt bikes and wheelers with Hubby’s dad, sister and her boyfriend.  I had a good 4 hours of driving time to talk with my father in law.  He was pretty upset about how rapidly Hubby’s sister has declined.  He asked about Hubby, and if I have noticed any symptoms.  While I wanted to be completely honest about my fears and concerns, my little 10 year old buddy was sitting between us in the truck.  We’ve had conversations with the kids about Huntington’s, but I just didn’t want to burden him with any more worry and concern than he already has.  So I did not hare my honest opinion.

That evening I sat on the couch with my hubby showing him pictures of the day I spent with his family.  He can NOT stop moving his legs, feet, hands and arms while I showed him the pictures.  Punkin was diagnosed with scoliosis the previous day.  I am generally feeling frustrated with all of my broken joints (knees, ankles, plantar fasciitis, etc.).  Oh, Lord, I look forward to the day I can have a perfect body again.  No more tears and no more pain!  I am so glad that as Christians, these broken bodies of ours on earth are not our homes.  The earthly body is simply a tent – a temporary shelter.

Think about it. No, seriously think about that!!

Imagine someone who is building a house, their dream home, but they can’t live in it yet, so they live in a temporary house or even a tent while their dream home is being built. 

My dream home is being built.  My dream home will have all of the amenities perfectly suited to me…it will not be run down, broken, or need repairs.  It will not be tired, aged, leaking or any other imaginable problem.  No, this dream home will NEVER need repairs.  But my dream home is not ready for me yet…so here I am, living in a tent. 

A tent is a temporary shelter. 

Over time tents break down, develop leaks, holes and wear thin in the damage of the sun, rain, wind and snow.  When storms come along, tents whip around in the wind, leak rain and snow, and can lose tent stakes unless they are firmly planted in the ground.

Who am I?

Who am I, REALLY?

Am I my body?

Certainly not!  I am my soul.  I am ME, the soul who lives temporarily in this body.  My body now is just a tent.  It is wearing out, there are holes and tears and leaks in this tent.  Knees, ankles, hips, eyes, ears and shoulders no longer work properly like a new tent.  And I am considered healthy.  What about Hubby? Hubby’s tent is falling apart.  It has big holes, tears and leaks.  The winds and rains whip it apart more each day.  What about his sister?  She is living in a tattered old rag of a salvation army tent, barely held down from the winds. 

To keep your tent from blowing away in the winds, you must drive the tent stakes firmly into the ground.  It must be anchored firmly so the tent doesn’t break loose and flap in the wind and tear even further.  By being firmly staked in the Word of God and in Christ Jesus, I have been able to weather many storms in life, but I anxiously look forward to my dream home!  I am so grateful that I (but especially my hubby and family members) only need to live in this broken, worn down tent temporarily. 

One day, my tent will give out, and I will be able to move into my dream home.

I have the BEST carpenter on the job, building my dream home for me – Jesus Christ, who has gone on ahead of me to prepare a place for me!!! 

Some people firmly believe that anyone with potential for Huntington’s should be tested.  I suppose in some ways, it would be nice to know, but whether you know or not does not change the fact that we are living in a temporary tent.  Our tent might withstand many storms and wear out slowly over 80 or 90 years, or our tent may deteriorate rapidly with the onset of disease, or our tent could be violently torn apart as a truck drives through camp in a terrible car accident.  No matter if our temporary earthly body is killed by a drunk driver, old age, or Huntington’s disease, the fact remains that we are ALL in a TEMPORARY home.

 

If you know these facts:

1)      you are living in a temporary home

2)      you will be asked to move out of it and into another home

3)      you do not know the day and time you have to move

Then:  wouldn’t you want to find out all you could about the home you are going to move into?  Wouldn’t your focus be on your permanent forever home instead of the home you will be moved out of?  You do not have the choice to stay in your temporary home – you WILL be moved out of it.  

So let’s focus on what happens on moving day!  While most of us not know when we will move out of our tent and into our forever home, we CAN find out about WHERE we are moving.

WHERE are we moving when this tent is destroyed?  We have but one choice.  Without a tent, we are homeless.  We automatically lose our home and are cast into a desolate, lonely, unfriendly, dangerous and miserable existence, away from anyone we know and love.  The homeless shelter is run by a thieving, lying, torturous beast who lives solely to torture the tenants and enslave them in his darkness.  Everyone is headed to the homeless shelter after their tent is destroyed.  Every human being who moves out of their tent (dies) is headed into suffering and despair on moving day…UNLESS…unless they accept a free voucher to move into their dream home!

This is good news!!!  There is a way to prevent moving into the homeless shelter when our tent fails.  Our King is building us a dream home, built by His best builder, His son, who is RIGHT NOW preparing and building our permanent, eternal, glorious, amazing, indescribable homes.  The price on these homes is quite high…it costs our death…but HE has ALREADY PAID FOR IT!  The only thing we need to do is ACCEPT the FREE gift of salvation from Him, and the home is ours!  We can avoid being homeless when our tent is destroyed!

God wants to adopt everyone as His children and Jesus desires to share His inheritance with us.  We can move directly into the King’s castle where there are streets of gold and no more tears, no more pain, only love and joy and peace surrounding us every day!  We only have to BELIEVE on Him who saves us, Jesus Christ! And by believing in Him and Him alone, we are guaranteed a place in Heaven when our earthly tents/bodies are destroyed.  Jesus himself is building us the most magnificent home! He has gone ahead to prepare a place for us…for ME…and for YOU – IF you accept the gift!  If you don’t believe in Him or accept His gift – then you are destined to the homeless shelter…and eternal death and suffering and torment. 

So, while I am sure it would help us to know if Hubby has HD, either way, we already know the tents are failing us and coming apart.  Our focus now, is on our builder, our carpenter, who is building a place for hubby, for me and for all who believe and call on Him.  A perfect place and an eternal home!!

Although I have increased health insurance, long term care and life insurance, just in case hubby has HD, I strive to keep my eyes on the prize – my eternal home for my soul – and not this temporary dwelling.  The time for testing just isn’t right yet.  Instead, we focus on our eternal home and our eternal and loving Father.

How about you?  What will you do after your tent is destroyed?  Will you be homeless and tortured for all eternity, never finding a place of peace or rest, suffering under the torture of an evil landlord who hates your very being?  Or will you choose life?  Will you choose to live an eternal life of peace, joy, love and a FATHER who is the King of all creation, King of the Universe, King of Heaven and who desires to ADOPT you as HIS CHILD (instead of being a land lord or ruler).  You cannot wait to make this choice.  By not choosing to follow Christ, you have already decided to move into the homeless shelter with Satan, and you have already chosen NOT to accept the free gift of a permanent lovely home.  You must decide NOW to make your reservations and allow the carpenter, Jesus Christ, to design a HEAVENLY home for you.    

Over-reacting

Oh, how I trust the Lord, for He is Good, and His love and mercy last through all generations....

I try so hard leave our future in His good and perfect hands.  I would say that most of the time, I can calmly face our future, for I know - without a doubt - that HE will care for us - He will guide us - HE will strengthen and encourage us.  He is all that is good and pure and noble and true.  He is full of grace and mercy, love and peace.  I can assuredly say, "His will be done."

But of course, there are times, of...not really doubt...but...over-reacting.

I watch Hubby walk, and wonder.
I watch Hubby lose simple things, like directions or maps or log books, and I wonder.
Am I over-reacting?
Is this a normal progression with age?
I'm getting older and more forgetful at times, but I don't misplace tools that are important to my job...
And most often they are not lost, but he will ask "have you seen my _____" and he has usually left it in an odd location instead of keeping track of it.
This is NOT common for him....this is a new thing in the past two years.

I try hard not to think the worst every time he makes a mistake, or spills another glass of milk across the table, or locks his keys in his car again...but...I suppose it is only natural to think the worst when these are new characteristics so unlike the Hubby I have known.

I try to have patience instead of panic when he cannot stop moving his feet and hands in the evenings, or when we lie in bed and before he drops off to sleep he twitches arms, legs, feet, hands, etc. for 30-40 minutes, shaking the bed.  When he holds my hand and it twitches and squeezes my fingers, I try not to pull my hand away, but bite my lip and blink back the tears brought on by both physical and emotional pain.  I'll hold his hand for as long as I can.  But then I wonder...am I really seeing symptoms, or am I just panicking.  Am I seeing symptoms of HD just because I am looking for them?

When did he start having a hard time socializing?  With some people he acts like the same old Hubby, but with others, his conversations are...somewhat...awkward.  And he is ever so clumsy compared to my Hubby.  Why, the other day we were in an archery store, and he literally walked right into some privately owned bows hanging on hooks in the shooting range and knocked them to the concrete floor.  Oh my goodness...the people were accommodating, but I thought we would be purchasing two new bows for these people!  I felt sorry for Hubby, I know he felt awful...but...I immediately thought it was yet one more proof that he has HD.  I worry at times like these - how many mistakes does he make at work?  How long will he be able to work before he can no longer perform the necessary tasks? Not just of his current job, but of ANY job?!?

In my heart, I know.  I just know.  But I don't want to believe.  It is much easier to doubt my observations.  It is easier to assume I am seeing things and panicking and over-reacting to my fears and not facts.  Besides, God has it all in control.  But then we sit together on the couch, and his feet are up on the recliner and off the recliner and this way and that way and his hands are jerking around and I close my eyes and whisper a prayer to my Savior, my Lord, my Holy Spirit...to please give me strength.

I both know...and I wonder...at the same time.
Maybe it's all in my head....maybe I'm looking too hard at his new faults...but then I know...I'm not over-reacting.  So I find comfort in my Lord.

If God is for me, who (or what) can be against me?
and I praise Him...for without Him and His strength and peace, I would surely have crumbled long ago.

Doing the work of a grown man...

I know someone who lost her hubby quite some time ago, and I find great comfort in her blog.  I'm sure she has no idea how her pain, open emotions, and true expressions of Christian faith have helped me steel myself for the future and focus my eyes on Christ.  I could see the Lord giving her strength and peace and love through the loss of her husband, and she glorified the Lord in all she said.  I pray that if I am faced with the same situation, I might be able to do the same.  I pray that when I am faced with that situation, I will be able to do the same... 

One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility.  She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.

I am a fairly independent, farm girl.  I was certified to be a shop teacher.  I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it.  I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home.  So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here.  I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year.  I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on).  I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below).  I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone.  When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me.  Now there was a role reversal!!  I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder.  But I guess not anymore.  The task fell on me.  Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point.  Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving...  There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already.  I will do more out of necessity as his health fails.  But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.   

And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon."   So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me.  This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor).  I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space.  There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too.  I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at.  Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables.  I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me.  From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option.  I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me.  But I will do what I need to do.  I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others.  But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now.  Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to.  I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.

I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it.  I always want to say something, but I can't.  What if you don't have a choice, ladies?  What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies?  I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't.  I feel as though I have already lost him.  I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss.  One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you?  or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you"  but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.

Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least!  I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do.  If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them  - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies?  Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?

I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case.  You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?

What then?

Update/Winter & Spring

Wow....October!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...

In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.

We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season.  I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together.  It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy.  I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together.  I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye.  Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away.  It was so exciting!  I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain.  The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again.  Again, it was extra special.  Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together.  The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned.  How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt?  Will his health be good enough to still hunt then?  He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet.  But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out.  A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath.  Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.

Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles.  I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain.  We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through.  I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done.  I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't.  I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away.  I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.

Christmas came, and time spent together with family.  I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two.  Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining.  He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him.  His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together.  And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace.  God is here with us.  I feel His presence all around us.  and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.

I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away.  We only keep in touch at Christmas.  I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year?  At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God.  What would I say??  Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God??  I just couldn't do it.  I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't.  I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return.  I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness.  With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.

With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps.  His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid.  I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills.  New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc.  but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide.  It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us!  I need to TRUST and NOT worry!!  I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart!  God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day!  Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle!  Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength!  I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!

And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less.  We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ!  I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out.  I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year.  Life is springing forth out from under the snow.  Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear.  After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE!  What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him!  I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning.  I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord.  This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future.  The REAL future.  My eternal future.  I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul.  No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to!  Praise the Lord!

Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!

Trials, Trust, and Triumph: Battling Satan’s Flaming Arrows

Trials, Trust, and Triumph

Battling Satan’s Flaming Arrows

For the past year or so, I have been feeling convicted that I should read the Bible start to finish.  While I have read most of the Bible, I have not read it in its entirety, from beginning to end.  So I decided to delve in and do it without stalling out or skipping over Leviticus and Numbers.  I believe that EVERYTHING we “put into” ourselves, will take sprout, regardless of the kind of seed.  If we see something on tv or the computer we shouldn’t – it plants a seed that WILL develop and grow, but by contrast, if we live in God’s word on a daily basis – it also plants a seed that WILL develop and grow.  So I have become a picky gardener, attempting to select only the finest seeds to be planted.  Off goes the tv and the laptop, out comes the Word of God.  Speaking and hearing from my Lord through reading His word and through prayer is incomparably more important than checking facebook updates and watching people crash on WipeOut.

I heard a preacher on the radio warn, that once you immerse yourself in God’s Word, to be prepared, to be ready for a barrage of flaming arrows and attacks from the devil.  He had been challenged by a friend to spend 40 days in Bible reading and prayer concerning a possible upcoming mission…and in doing so, he discovered that he had “charged the gates of hell” in a manner of speaking, and opened himself for attacks from the evil one.  I thought about this.  How many times have you taken time out to pray or read His Word only to have the phone ring or a child come crying?  Of course Satan does not want us to read our Bibles – the more we read them, the more our eyes are opened by the Holy Spirit, and the more our eyes are opened, the less apathetic we

become.  And there’s nothing that Satan loves more than an apathetic, uncaring “Christian,” who lives by that name only, and not by action.  He does not need to battle individuals who live in sin and evil – they are already on his side, whether they know it or not – but his real battles are within the Church and those who call themselves Christians.  He wants to snatch us from God’s hands.  I also know that I serve a powerful God, who CREATED the devil, and with God on my side, I would be victorious, but I also needed to be prepared for a fight. 

So out came the Bible and highlighters, and with it, the flaming arrows and fiery darts of Satan, disguised as the trials of life.

 

Trials

The first thing that happened, literally within a week of beginning to read the Bible front to back, was that hubby lost his job.  It came as a real shock, since the last time his boss had talked to him, he complimented him on working so hard and gave him a raise.  Hubby suspected foul play, and sure enough, the supervisor’s best friend was immediately hired for the job without so much as an open job search.  I wondered, however, if Hubby had been fired for displaying any HD symptoms at work, although no one would know they were HD symptoms.  

Hubby became depressed, a little despondent and lost some of his confidence.  This made it harder for him to find a job.  He had several job offers, one within a couple hours of being laid off.  Unfortunately, most were at too low of wage or had too difficult of a work schedule (no weekends off, or work 5 am – 7 pm 6 days a week, etc) to accept.  But there were other jobs I heard him say, “I don’t think I could do that job.”  What?  This is the guy who has always been a natural at everything he does, and has always had confidence to try new things.  After a couple of weeks, he thought he found a good position, but wanted to spend the day with the boss to see if it would be a good fit for everyone all the way around.  He was scheduled to contact him on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.

Since Monday was a holiday, we decided to spend a few hours picking beans at a local garden that raises food for the food bank.  Hubby steadily picked beans for 2 hours, and then stood to stretch.  But his back went out.  He has never had any issues with his back, but here he was, unable to walk or stand without pain.  How will he be able to work a physically demanding job the next day??  While everyone advised him NOT to call his potential boss and tell him what was going on (in case it would prevent him from hiring Hubby), he called him and told him EXACTLY what was happening.  Praise the Lord, the potential boss was impressed by his honestly and they decided to talk later in the week.

That Tuesday, I made an emergency appointment for him at a chiropractor after I dropped the kiddos off at the bus stop.  Sitting in the car, waiting for the bus to arrive and kid #2 starts crying about a sore throat and headache.  Last year, kid 2 battled multiple rounds of strep throat.  I put kid 1 on the bus and head home with kid 2.  I leave kid 2 on the couch and stuff hubby (carefully) into the car.  He could hardly get out of bed and cannot walk.  I drive him to the Dr, where I fill out all the forms and sit through his appointment with him.  

This brought on a whole new onslaught of emotions, as I wondered if this was where we were headed.  How many more Dr. appointments would I be sitting through with him?  How many times would I be whispering instructions to him as the Dr. steps out of the room?  Was this the future of my life?  Somehow, I seem to think I will be a different, stronger person in 5 years.  In five years, I will miraculously be able to handle Huntington’s rearing its ugly head and getting Hubby to and from appointments like a breeze, but not today.  I can’t handle HD yet.  I can’t.  I need more time.  The flaming arrows of Satan are finding a few cracks in my armor.  But I motor through his appointment, take him home and write down his instructions.  The fact that I have to write down his instructions reminds me that his brain isn't working correctly anymore...and I just don't know about HD.  

Kid 2 is still laying on the couch with a washrag on his head.  Praise the Lord he doesn’t have a fever.  I abandon my sick and wounded and rush to work.  I’m only 2 hours late, and I need my job!  How many more flaming arrows can I take, Lord?  I’m not sure I can handle this…but in my weakness, His strength is glorified. 

This was the week we received word that his request for unemployment benefits was denied until further review.  Kabooom!  I think that flaming arrow had a bomb on its tip.  At this point I already couldn’t buy gas to get to work or any groceries.  Great.  I consider heading to the food bank, but can’t find the time between working, running kids to school/sports/church, being a caregiver for the hubby and also helping him apply for jobs! 

Oh yes, did I mention that the credit card bill arrived?  The kids and I had just returned from our first “family vacation” (that hubby couldn’t go on because he was at work), and we trusted we could pay off the debt when we returned home.  Uuummm…no.  With the start of the school year, there were new expenses piling up as well.  I scraped up enough to get the cheapest deal on school pictures and lunch money.

  

Trust (and KNOW)

(Character of God)

I was about to give in to depression and chalk this one up to the devil, but no, nope, not gonna happen.  For greater is HE who is in ME, than he who is in the world!  Right when I was ready to throw in the towel, I heard the whispers in my heart…GOD Himself is on my side, and I could rely fully on Him.  Nice try, Satan, but you will not win.  Christ not only will win this particular battle for me, He has ALREADY won the most important battle for me.  Christ has ALREADY won!  I have victory in Jesus!  Praise the LORD!

Instead of allowing myself to fall into depression and giving up, I straightened up, put on the full armor of God, and Christ won this battle for me.  Instead of moping around and stressing out, I had overwhelming calm, peace, strength and reassurance of His love and His strength and His power and His mercy.  And I begin PRAISING God for these trials and troubles!  The more I thank Him, greatly, for this, the more I can praise Him and thank Him for a multitude of blessings in my life.

What do we know about God’s character?  We can ALWAYS trust in Him!  I know He is good and perfect.  I know that He loves me enough to die for me.  I know we will lack nothing, as He will provide for all of our needs.  He answers prayer, and He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him!  I do not need to trust in man, or our bank account when HE is the Lord my God. (Lev 19:4)  He is my strength and my shield.  He will protect me from my enemies.  He alone is my refuge and I can place all of my trust in Him.  I need not fear, I can confidently trust the Lord to take care of me.  My cup will runneth over.  He will carry me and sustain me and rescue me!        

  

Several people have asked me how I could be calm at a time like this…it is because My God is greater than the troubles of this world, and He gives me strength and peace, and as long as we trust in Him, and trust in the truth we know of Him and His character, we have nothing to fear!  We know that He is true and noble, full of grace and mercy, and that He loves His children (that’s US!).  We know that He has a good and perfect will for our lives, and that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  So because we know HIM, we know that we will be just fine.  We have trials, but we face them with trust: trust in God and trust in God’s character, and in the end, we will triumph over our trials and the evil one.  Praise God!   Our task, is to remember this when we face the devil and his wicked ways.  We must always remember to put on the FULL armor of God…because with it, we can WIN! 

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Ephesians 6:10-17

  

Triumph

I have an army of prayer warriors and fellowship of saintly, Godly women who help me stand strong.  Through them, and the Lord God, we have been able to stand firm and praise Him for His many blessings and our VICTORY over sin, death and evil!  There is so much to be thankful for!!  Hubby DID have several job offers, and he would certainly have more.  Kid 2 bounced back and was off to school the next day.  Hubby's potential new boss was greatly impressed with his honestly – it might work out for the best after all.  We have a warm home to live in and a freezer full of game meat, so while it might be hard to find something to go alongside another elk roast, we won’t starve to death by any means!  Our church’s education fund passed for another year, so our kids could continue to attend our Christian School.  I love our school so much!!  Praise the Lord, hubby was on my health insurance.  We had JUST gotten his insurance before he was laid off, and I was going to cancel his policy through my work.  Praise the Lord for giving me enough of an uneasy feeling that I never removed him from my policy.  But most importantly, I praise Him and thank Him for my salvation! That I can be called a child of God!  Oh, praise the Lord for all of His goodness!  VICTORY!

 Here is a devotional from Our Daily Bread:

Our life circumstances can change in an instant. A car crash, a fire, a diagnosis: it doesn’t take much to make us feel like we’ve gone from a life of blessing to a life filled with trials. Our Daily Bread reminds us that despite our circumstances, God deserves our gratitude:

Actor Christopher Reeve was paralyzed in a horseback riding accident in 1995. Prior to this tragedy, he had played the part of a paraplegic in a movie. In preparation, Reeve visited a rehabilitation facility. He recalled: “Every time I left that rehab center, I said, ‘Thank God that’s not me.’” After his accident, Reeve regretted that statement: “I was so setting myself apart from those people who were suffering without realizing that in a second that could be me.” And sadly, for him, it was.

We too may look at the troubles of others and think that it could never happen to us. Especially if our life journey has led to a measure of success, financial security, and family harmony. In a moment of vanity and self-sufficiency, King David admitted to falling into the trap of feeling invulnerable: “Now in my prosperity I said, ‘I shall never be moved’” (Ps. 30:6). But David quickly caught himself and redirected his heart away from self-sufficiency. He remembered that he had known adversity in the past and God had delivered him: “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing” (v.11).

Are you going through a time of trial or a time of blessing? How have you expressed gratitude and trust to God despite your circumstances?