I know someone who lost her hubby quite some time ago, and I find great comfort in her blog. I'm sure she has no idea how her pain, open emotions, and true expressions of Christian faith have helped me steel myself for the future and focus my eyes on Christ. I could see the Lord giving her strength and peace and love through the loss of her husband, and she glorified the Lord in all she said. I pray that if I am faced with the same situation, I might be able to do the same. I pray that when I am faced with that situation, I will be able to do the same...
One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility. She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.
I am a fairly independent, farm girl. I was certified to be a shop teacher. I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it. I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home. So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here. I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year. I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on). I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below). I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone. When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me. Now there was a role reversal!! I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder. But I guess not anymore. The task fell on me. Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point. Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving... There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already. I will do more out of necessity as his health fails. But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.
And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon." So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me. This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor). I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space. There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too. I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at. Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables. I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me. From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option. I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me. But I will do what I need to do. I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others. But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now. Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to. I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.
I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it. I always want to say something, but I can't. What if you don't have a choice, ladies? What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies? I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't. I feel as though I have already lost him. I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss. One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you? or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you" but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.
Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least! I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do. If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies? Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?
I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case. You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?
What then?
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