Wow....October!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...
In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.
We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season. I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together. It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy. I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together. I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye. Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away. It was so exciting! I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain. The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again. Again, it was extra special. Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together. The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned. How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt? Will his health be good enough to still hunt then? He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet. But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out. A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath. Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.
Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles. I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain. We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through. I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done. I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't. I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away. I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.
Christmas came, and time spent together with family. I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two. Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining. He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him. His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together. And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace. God is here with us. I feel His presence all around us. and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.
I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away. We only keep in touch at Christmas. I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year? At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God. What would I say?? Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God?? I just couldn't do it. I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't. I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return. I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness. With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.
With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps. His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid. I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills. New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc. but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide. It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us! I need to TRUST and NOT worry!! I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart! God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day! Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle! Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength! I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less. We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ! I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out. I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year. Life is springing forth out from under the snow. Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear. After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE! What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him! I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning. I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord. This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future. The REAL future. My eternal future. I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul. No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to! Praise the Lord!
Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!
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