Oh, how I trust the Lord, for He is Good, and His love and mercy last through all generations....
I try so hard leave our future in His good and perfect hands. I would say that most of the time, I can calmly face our future, for I know - without a doubt - that HE will care for us - He will guide us - HE will strengthen and encourage us. He is all that is good and pure and noble and true. He is full of grace and mercy, love and peace. I can assuredly say, "His will be done."
But of course, there are times, of...not really doubt...but...over-reacting.
I watch Hubby walk, and wonder.
I watch Hubby lose simple things, like directions or maps or log books, and I wonder.
Am I over-reacting?
Is this a normal progression with age?
I'm getting older and more forgetful at times, but I don't misplace tools that are important to my job...
And most often they are not lost, but he will ask "have you seen my _____" and he has usually left it in an odd location instead of keeping track of it.
This is NOT common for him....this is a new thing in the past two years.
I try hard not to think the worst every time he makes a mistake, or spills another glass of milk across the table, or locks his keys in his car again...but...I suppose it is only natural to think the worst when these are new characteristics so unlike the Hubby I have known.
I try to have patience instead of panic when he cannot stop moving his feet and hands in the evenings, or when we lie in bed and before he drops off to sleep he twitches arms, legs, feet, hands, etc. for 30-40 minutes, shaking the bed. When he holds my hand and it twitches and squeezes my fingers, I try not to pull my hand away, but bite my lip and blink back the tears brought on by both physical and emotional pain. I'll hold his hand for as long as I can. But then I wonder...am I really seeing symptoms, or am I just panicking. Am I seeing symptoms of HD just because I am looking for them?
When did he start having a hard time socializing? With some people he acts like the same old Hubby, but with others, his conversations are...somewhat...awkward. And he is ever so clumsy compared to my Hubby. Why, the other day we were in an archery store, and he literally walked right into some privately owned bows hanging on hooks in the shooting range and knocked them to the concrete floor. Oh my goodness...the people were accommodating, but I thought we would be purchasing two new bows for these people! I felt sorry for Hubby, I know he felt awful...but...I immediately thought it was yet one more proof that he has HD. I worry at times like these - how many mistakes does he make at work? How long will he be able to work before he can no longer perform the necessary tasks? Not just of his current job, but of ANY job?!?
In my heart, I know. I just know. But I don't want to believe. It is much easier to doubt my observations. It is easier to assume I am seeing things and panicking and over-reacting to my fears and not facts. Besides, God has it all in control. But then we sit together on the couch, and his feet are up on the recliner and off the recliner and this way and that way and his hands are jerking around and I close my eyes and whisper a prayer to my Savior, my Lord, my Holy Spirit...to please give me strength.
I both know...and I wonder...at the same time.
Maybe it's all in my head....maybe I'm looking too hard at his new faults...but then I know...I'm not over-reacting. So I find comfort in my Lord.
If God is for me, who (or what) can be against me?
and I praise Him...for without Him and His strength and peace, I would surely have crumbled long ago.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Doing the work of a grown man...
I know someone who lost her hubby quite some time ago, and I find great comfort in her blog. I'm sure she has no idea how her pain, open emotions, and true expressions of Christian faith have helped me steel myself for the future and focus my eyes on Christ. I could see the Lord giving her strength and peace and love through the loss of her husband, and she glorified the Lord in all she said. I pray that if I am faced with the same situation, I might be able to do the same. I pray that when I am faced with that situation, I will be able to do the same...
One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility. She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.
I am a fairly independent, farm girl. I was certified to be a shop teacher. I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it. I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home. So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here. I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year. I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on). I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below). I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone. When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me. Now there was a role reversal!! I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder. But I guess not anymore. The task fell on me. Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point. Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving... There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already. I will do more out of necessity as his health fails. But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.
And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon." So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me. This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor). I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space. There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too. I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at. Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables. I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me. From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option. I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me. But I will do what I need to do. I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others. But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now. Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to. I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.
I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it. I always want to say something, but I can't. What if you don't have a choice, ladies? What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies? I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't. I feel as though I have already lost him. I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss. One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you? or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you" but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.
Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least! I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do. If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies? Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?
I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case. You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?
What then?
One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility. She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.
I am a fairly independent, farm girl. I was certified to be a shop teacher. I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it. I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home. So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here. I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year. I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on). I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below). I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone. When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me. Now there was a role reversal!! I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder. But I guess not anymore. The task fell on me. Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point. Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving... There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already. I will do more out of necessity as his health fails. But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.
And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon." So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me. This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor). I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space. There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too. I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at. Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables. I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me. From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option. I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me. But I will do what I need to do. I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others. But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now. Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to. I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.
I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it. I always want to say something, but I can't. What if you don't have a choice, ladies? What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies? I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't. I feel as though I have already lost him. I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss. One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you? or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you" but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.
Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least! I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do. If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies? Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?
I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case. You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?
What then?
Monday, March 24, 2014
Update/Winter & Spring
Wow....October!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...
In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.
We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season. I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together. It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy. I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together. I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye. Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away. It was so exciting! I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain. The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again. Again, it was extra special. Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together. The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned. How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt? Will his health be good enough to still hunt then? He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet. But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out. A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath. Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.
Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles. I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain. We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through. I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done. I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't. I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away. I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.
Christmas came, and time spent together with family. I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two. Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining. He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him. His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together. And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace. God is here with us. I feel His presence all around us. and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.
I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away. We only keep in touch at Christmas. I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year? At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God. What would I say?? Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God?? I just couldn't do it. I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't. I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return. I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness. With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.
With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps. His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid. I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills. New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc. but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide. It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us! I need to TRUST and NOT worry!! I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart! God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day! Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle! Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength! I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less. We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ! I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out. I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year. Life is springing forth out from under the snow. Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear. After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE! What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him! I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning. I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord. This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future. The REAL future. My eternal future. I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul. No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to! Praise the Lord!
Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...
In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.
We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season. I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together. It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy. I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together. I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye. Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away. It was so exciting! I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain. The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again. Again, it was extra special. Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together. The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned. How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt? Will his health be good enough to still hunt then? He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet. But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out. A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath. Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.
Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles. I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain. We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through. I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done. I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't. I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away. I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.
Christmas came, and time spent together with family. I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two. Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining. He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him. His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together. And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace. God is here with us. I feel His presence all around us. and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.
I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away. We only keep in touch at Christmas. I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year? At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God. What would I say?? Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God?? I just couldn't do it. I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't. I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return. I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness. With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.
With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps. His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid. I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills. New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc. but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide. It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us! I need to TRUST and NOT worry!! I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart! God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day! Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle! Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength! I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less. We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ! I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out. I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year. Life is springing forth out from under the snow. Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear. After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE! What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him! I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning. I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord. This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future. The REAL future. My eternal future. I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul. No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to! Praise the Lord!
Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Trials, Trust, and Triumph: Battling Satan’s Flaming Arrows
Trials, Trust, and Triumph
Battling Satan’s Flaming Arrows
For the past year or so, I have been feeling
convicted that I should read the Bible start to finish. While I have read most of the Bible, I have not
read it in its entirety, from beginning to end. So I decided to delve in and do
it without stalling out or skipping over Leviticus and Numbers. I believe that EVERYTHING we “put into”
ourselves, will take sprout, regardless of the kind of seed. If we see something on tv or the computer we
shouldn’t – it plants a seed that WILL develop and grow, but by contrast, if we
live in God’s word on a daily basis – it also plants a seed that WILL develop
and grow. So I have become a picky
gardener, attempting to select only the finest seeds to be planted. Off goes the tv and the laptop, out comes the
Word of God. Speaking and hearing from
my Lord through reading His word and through prayer is incomparably more
important than checking facebook updates and watching people crash on
WipeOut.
I heard
a preacher on the radio warn, that once you immerse yourself in God’s Word, to
be prepared, to be ready for a barrage of flaming arrows and attacks from the
devil. He had been challenged by a
friend to spend 40 days in Bible reading and prayer concerning a possible
upcoming mission…and in doing so, he discovered that he had “charged the gates
of hell” in a manner of speaking, and opened himself for attacks from the evil
one. I thought about this. How many times have you taken time out to
pray or read His Word only to have the phone ring or a child come crying? Of course Satan does not want us to read our
Bibles – the more we read them, the more our eyes are opened by the Holy
Spirit, and the more our eyes are opened, the less apathetic we
So out
came the Bible and highlighters, and with it, the flaming arrows and fiery
darts of Satan, disguised as the trials of life.
Trials
The first thing that happened, literally within a
week of beginning to read the Bible front to back, was that hubby lost his job. It came as a real shock, since the last time
his boss had talked to him, he complimented him on working so hard and gave him
a raise. Hubby suspected foul play, and
sure enough, the supervisor’s best friend was immediately hired for the job
without so much as an open job search. I wondered, however, if Hubby had been fired for displaying any HD symptoms at work, although no one would know they were HD symptoms.
Hubby became depressed, a little despondent and lost some of his confidence. This made it harder for him to find a job. He had several job offers, one within a couple hours of being laid off. Unfortunately, most were at too low of wage or had too difficult of a work schedule (no weekends off, or work 5 am – 7 pm 6 days a week, etc) to accept. But there were other jobs I heard him say, “I don’t think I could do that job.” What? This is the guy who has always been a natural at everything he does, and has always had confidence to try new things. After a couple of weeks, he thought he found a good position, but wanted to spend the day with the boss to see if it would be a good fit for everyone all the way around. He was scheduled to contact him on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.
Hubby became depressed, a little despondent and lost some of his confidence. This made it harder for him to find a job. He had several job offers, one within a couple hours of being laid off. Unfortunately, most were at too low of wage or had too difficult of a work schedule (no weekends off, or work 5 am – 7 pm 6 days a week, etc) to accept. But there were other jobs I heard him say, “I don’t think I could do that job.” What? This is the guy who has always been a natural at everything he does, and has always had confidence to try new things. After a couple of weeks, he thought he found a good position, but wanted to spend the day with the boss to see if it would be a good fit for everyone all the way around. He was scheduled to contact him on Tuesday after a 3 day weekend.
Since Monday was a holiday, we decided to spend a
few hours picking beans at a local garden that raises food for the food bank. Hubby steadily picked beans for 2 hours, and
then stood to stretch. But his back
went out. He has never had any issues
with his back, but here he was, unable to walk or stand without pain. How will he be able to work a physically
demanding job the next day?? While
everyone advised him NOT to call his potential boss and tell him what was going
on (in case it would prevent him from hiring Hubby), he called him and told him
EXACTLY what was happening. Praise the
Lord, the potential boss was impressed by his honestly and they decided to talk
later in the week.
That Tuesday, I made an emergency appointment for
him at a chiropractor after I dropped the kiddos off at the bus stop. Sitting in the car, waiting for the bus to
arrive and kid #2 starts crying about a sore throat and headache. Last year, kid 2 battled multiple rounds of
strep throat. I put kid 1 on the bus and
head home with kid 2. I leave kid 2 on
the couch and stuff hubby (carefully) into the car. He could hardly get out of bed and cannot walk. I drive him to the Dr, where I fill out all
the forms and sit through his appointment with him.
This brought on a whole new onslaught of emotions, as I wondered if this was where we were headed. How many more Dr. appointments would I be sitting through with him? How many times would I be whispering instructions to him as the Dr. steps out of the room? Was this the future of my life? Somehow, I seem to think I will be a different, stronger person in 5 years. In five years, I will miraculously be able to handle Huntington’s rearing its ugly head and getting Hubby to and from appointments like a breeze, but not today. I can’t handle HD yet. I can’t. I need more time. The flaming arrows of Satan are finding a few cracks in my armor. But I motor through his appointment, take him home and write down his instructions. The fact that I have to write down his instructions reminds me that his brain isn't working correctly anymore...and I just don't know about HD.
Kid 2 is still laying on the couch with a washrag on his head. Praise the Lord he doesn’t have a fever. I abandon my sick and wounded and rush to work. I’m only 2 hours late, and I need my job! How many more flaming arrows can I take, Lord? I’m not sure I can handle this…but in my weakness, His strength is glorified.
This brought on a whole new onslaught of emotions, as I wondered if this was where we were headed. How many more Dr. appointments would I be sitting through with him? How many times would I be whispering instructions to him as the Dr. steps out of the room? Was this the future of my life? Somehow, I seem to think I will be a different, stronger person in 5 years. In five years, I will miraculously be able to handle Huntington’s rearing its ugly head and getting Hubby to and from appointments like a breeze, but not today. I can’t handle HD yet. I can’t. I need more time. The flaming arrows of Satan are finding a few cracks in my armor. But I motor through his appointment, take him home and write down his instructions. The fact that I have to write down his instructions reminds me that his brain isn't working correctly anymore...and I just don't know about HD.
Kid 2 is still laying on the couch with a washrag on his head. Praise the Lord he doesn’t have a fever. I abandon my sick and wounded and rush to work. I’m only 2 hours late, and I need my job! How many more flaming arrows can I take, Lord? I’m not sure I can handle this…but in my weakness, His strength is glorified.
This
was the week we received word that his request for unemployment benefits was
denied until further review.
Kabooom! I think that flaming
arrow had a bomb on its tip. At this
point I already couldn’t buy gas to get to work or any groceries. Great.
I consider heading to the food bank, but can’t find the time between
working, running kids to school/sports/church, being a caregiver for the hubby
and also helping him apply for jobs!
Oh yes,
did I mention that the credit card bill arrived? The kids and I had just returned from our
first “family vacation” (that hubby couldn’t go on because he was at work), and we trusted we could
pay off the debt when we returned home. Uuummm…no. With the start of the school year, there were
new expenses piling up as well. I
scraped up enough to get the cheapest deal on school pictures and lunch money.
Trust (and KNOW)
(Character of God)
I was about to give in to depression and chalk
this one up to the devil, but no, nope, not gonna happen. For greater is HE who is in ME, than he who
is in the world! Right when I was ready
to throw in the towel, I heard the whispers in my heart…GOD Himself is on my
side, and I could rely fully on Him. Nice
try, Satan, but you will not win. Christ
not only will win this particular battle for me, He has ALREADY won the
most important battle for me. Christ has
ALREADY won! I have victory in
Jesus! Praise the LORD!
Instead of allowing myself
to fall into depression and giving up, I straightened up, put on the full armor
of God, and Christ won this battle for me. Instead of
moping around and stressing out, I had overwhelming calm, peace, strength and
reassurance of His love and His strength and His power and His mercy. And I begin PRAISING God for these trials and
troubles! The more I thank Him, greatly,
for this, the more I can praise Him and thank Him for a multitude of blessings in my
life.
What do we know about God’s character? We can ALWAYS trust in Him! I know He is good and perfect. I know that He loves me enough to die for me. I know we will lack nothing, as He will
provide for all of our needs. He answers
prayer, and He works ALL things together for the good of those who love
Him! I do not need to trust in man, or
our bank account when HE is the Lord my God. (Lev 19:4) He is my strength and my shield. He will protect me from my enemies. He alone is my refuge and I can place all of
my trust in Him. I need not fear, I can
confidently trust the Lord to take care of me.
My cup will runneth over. He will
carry me and sustain me and rescue me!
Finally, be strong in the
Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on
the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our
struggle is not against flesh and blood, but
against the rulers, against the authorities, against
the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil
in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that
when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you
have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand
firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with
the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and
with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In
addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with
which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take
the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which
is the word of God. Ephesians
6:10-17
Triumph
I have an army of prayer warriors and fellowship
of saintly, Godly women who help me stand strong. Through them, and the Lord God, we have been
able to stand firm and praise Him for His many blessings and our VICTORY over
sin, death and evil! There is so much to
be thankful for!! Hubby DID have several
job offers, and he would certainly have more. Kid 2 bounced back and was off to school the next day. Hubby's potential new boss was greatly impressed with his honestly – it might
work out for the best after all. We have
a warm home to live in and a freezer full of game meat, so while it might be
hard to find something to go alongside another elk roast, we won’t starve to
death by any means! Our church’s
education fund passed for another year, so our kids could continue to attend
our Christian School. I love our school
so much!! Praise the Lord, hubby was on
my health insurance. We had JUST gotten
his insurance before he was laid off, and I was going to cancel his policy
through my work. Praise the Lord for
giving me enough of an uneasy feeling that I never removed him from my policy. But most importantly, I praise Him and thank
Him for my salvation! That I can be called a child of God! Oh, praise the Lord for all of His goodness! VICTORY!
Our life circumstances can change in an instant. A car crash, a
fire, a diagnosis: it doesn’t take much to make us feel like we’ve gone from a
life of blessing to a life filled with trials. Our
Daily Bread reminds
us that despite our circumstances, God deserves our gratitude:
Actor Christopher Reeve was paralyzed in a horseback riding
accident in 1995. Prior to this tragedy, he had played the part of a paraplegic
in a movie. In preparation, Reeve visited a rehabilitation facility. He
recalled: “Every time I left that rehab center, I said, ‘Thank God that’s not
me.’” After his accident, Reeve regretted that statement: “I was so setting
myself apart from those people who were suffering without realizing that in a
second that could be me.” And sadly, for him, it was.
We too
may look at the troubles of others and think that it could never happen to us.
Especially if our life journey has led to a measure of success, financial
security, and family harmony. In a moment of vanity and self-sufficiency, King
David admitted to falling into the trap of feeling invulnerable: “Now in my
prosperity I said, ‘I shall never be moved’” (Ps. 30:6). But David quickly
caught himself and redirected his heart away from self-sufficiency. He
remembered that he had known adversity in the past and God had delivered him:
“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing” (v.11).
Are you going through a time of
trial or a time of blessing? How have you expressed gratitude and trust to God
despite your circumstances?
Monday, August 26, 2013
When the other shoe falls...
The other shoe fell last week.
Hubby had just been commended at work for doing a good job, and even been given a raise. We thought we were "in the clear" as far as his job goes.
Then he went to work and was laid off.
Due to the extenuating circumstances, Hubby does not believe this was at all related to his job performance or the possibility he is beginning to have symptoms. He believes it was just county politics. But I wonder....if I see symptoms at home - how does it affect his job? Maybe his short term memory issues and delayed reaction time, and delayed cognition and poor balance and other physical symptoms are causing him to work too slow. Maybe he only THINKS he is working fast. Maybe "as fast as he can" has become too slow? There are so many unknowns. But Hubby doesn't see this. Hubby only sees that he is trying as hard as he can, and that his boss wants to hire his buddy and had to can him to do so. There are many things I do not know...
What I DO know...is that God is good ALL the time.
He really is.
His plan is good and perfect even when we don't know what it is or why things are happening.
So we do not fear.
There is no reason to fear.
What can mere man do to me?
God is FOR us, not against us!
Is it stressful, oh, to be sure!
Is it hurtful? Definitely.
BUT - we have an overwhelming sense of calm and peace and strength that only the Holy Spirit could give us.
I try hard to be both the soft place for Hubby to fall AND the rock to give him strength. Even tho I know that his TRUE rock needs to be the Lord.
I listened to him at church yesterday, as he simply stated, "it's okay, it must be God's will."
He also said that most of the guys he worked with are big partyers and drinkers, and "it is really hard to be salt and light in that kind of environment."
So it will all be for the best in the long run.
We are simply placing our future in HIS hands and praying for His will to be done.
We truly thought we were following His will in taking that job...and it is a bit of a let down that it didn't work out the way we expected. It makes us doubt whether we heard His voice correctly or not. But perhaps this was part of the overall plan! HE knows what HE is doing with our lives much more than we ever could attempt to plan. And we know HIS all powerful goodness and mercy and love...and therefore we TRUST in HIM!
We will be fine.
I have an overwhelming sense of peace and strength and love...I can just FEEL the Holy Spirit with me - with us.
Hubby has several prospects - in fact, he had a job offer within a few hours of being laid off (unfortunately, it has no benefits, no time off, and he would have to work every weekend). He is visiting several places and dropping off resumes. He hope to wrap it up by the end of this week, but we will accept the Lord's timing in this and in all things.
God will always provide.
in many ways.
Praise Him for His goodness and mercy and love, His grace and strength and power!
Praise Him from the highest hills, for His name is great and glorious!
Halleluiah!
Hubby had just been commended at work for doing a good job, and even been given a raise. We thought we were "in the clear" as far as his job goes.
Then he went to work and was laid off.
Due to the extenuating circumstances, Hubby does not believe this was at all related to his job performance or the possibility he is beginning to have symptoms. He believes it was just county politics. But I wonder....if I see symptoms at home - how does it affect his job? Maybe his short term memory issues and delayed reaction time, and delayed cognition and poor balance and other physical symptoms are causing him to work too slow. Maybe he only THINKS he is working fast. Maybe "as fast as he can" has become too slow? There are so many unknowns. But Hubby doesn't see this. Hubby only sees that he is trying as hard as he can, and that his boss wants to hire his buddy and had to can him to do so. There are many things I do not know...
What I DO know...is that God is good ALL the time.
He really is.
His plan is good and perfect even when we don't know what it is or why things are happening.
So we do not fear.
There is no reason to fear.
What can mere man do to me?
God is FOR us, not against us!
Is it stressful, oh, to be sure!
Is it hurtful? Definitely.
BUT - we have an overwhelming sense of calm and peace and strength that only the Holy Spirit could give us.
I try hard to be both the soft place for Hubby to fall AND the rock to give him strength. Even tho I know that his TRUE rock needs to be the Lord.
I listened to him at church yesterday, as he simply stated, "it's okay, it must be God's will."
He also said that most of the guys he worked with are big partyers and drinkers, and "it is really hard to be salt and light in that kind of environment."
So it will all be for the best in the long run.
We are simply placing our future in HIS hands and praying for His will to be done.
We truly thought we were following His will in taking that job...and it is a bit of a let down that it didn't work out the way we expected. It makes us doubt whether we heard His voice correctly or not. But perhaps this was part of the overall plan! HE knows what HE is doing with our lives much more than we ever could attempt to plan. And we know HIS all powerful goodness and mercy and love...and therefore we TRUST in HIM!
We will be fine.
I have an overwhelming sense of peace and strength and love...I can just FEEL the Holy Spirit with me - with us.
Hubby has several prospects - in fact, he had a job offer within a few hours of being laid off (unfortunately, it has no benefits, no time off, and he would have to work every weekend). He is visiting several places and dropping off resumes. He hope to wrap it up by the end of this week, but we will accept the Lord's timing in this and in all things.
God will always provide.
in many ways.
Praise Him for His goodness and mercy and love, His grace and strength and power!
Praise Him from the highest hills, for His name is great and glorious!
Halleluiah!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
What I struggle to say
God has sure been speaking to me through the radio today.
First, Casting Crowns came on, with Praise Him in The Storm:
Then Kutless, and Even If
Then more songs, one after the next, about struggling through life and our acceptance of God's will and His great love for us through all things.
These are my true feelings...but I struggle to express them with my own words...
Here are the words I want to say:
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God
You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
====================================================
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again,
I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:] And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]
=======================================================
Yes, I will praise HIM.
In any storm... even if the healing doesn't come...
First, Casting Crowns came on, with Praise Him in The Storm:
Then Kutless, and Even If
Then more songs, one after the next, about struggling through life and our acceptance of God's will and His great love for us through all things.
These are my true feelings...but I struggle to express them with my own words...
Here are the words I want to say:
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God
You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
====================================================
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again,
I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:] And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]
=======================================================
Yes, I will praise HIM.
In any storm... even if the healing doesn't come...
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
another good quote...
Today I will be a woman who holds tighter to Jesus when the world crashes in around me. My footing will remain on the solid Rock when my circumstances crumble beneath my feet. I'll keep my eyes on my Savior, not on the storm. And trust that His will and plans for me are good ... no matter the outcome. I can do this through the power of the Holy Spirit, who gives me the wisdom that Jesus is more than enough.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path!
“For You are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness.” II Samuel 22:29
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