Lessons from a Garbage Diposal

Mental Note to Self: 

Be EXTRA vigilent when cleaning the fish bowl, to NOT lose any gravel down the sink and into the disposal!!


I decided to have a little mercy on the gold fish and finally clean their bowl yesterday.  The last time I cleaned their bowl, I accidentally dropped a couple of small pieces of gravel down the disposal and temporarily broke it.  I didn't really want to admit any fault to Hubby and make him have to fix ONE MORE thing.  His JOB is fixing things.  He life is dealing with things that are not working correctly.  It gets frustrating to come home and have to deal with other things that are broken again.  After a couple of days, I was able to get it functioning again.

Yesterday...I tried really hard to keep the gravel out of the disposal.  Unfortunately, in my impatience to be done with the task at hand, I got a little careless with my actions, and suddenly about a handful of gravel overflowed and into the disposal.  Sigh.  I shoved my hand down the disposal to try to fish out the gravel.  It was really crammed in there.  I flipped on the switch but I had clearly jammed the disposal.  Again, I didn't want to admit my problem to Hubby, and vainly tried to fix it myself.  Again and again I shoved my hand down the disposal trying to retrieve the tiny pieces of gravel.  Even though I was able to remove a few of the pieces, I still had quite a problem on my hands.  I finally fessed up to Hubby, and he was able to provide a fairly quick fix.  He immediately asked where the special allen wrench that comes with the disposal was.  (I had no idea it even came with one).  We searched for the tool for several minutes before he disappeared into the garage and came in with a different allen wrench.  It wasn't the one that came with the disposal, but it would work.  He explained that we could "back up" the disposal to hopefully unclog it.  With the small size of the gravel that was penetrating every pore of the disposal, this process took us nearly 1/2 an hour, as he would try to back it up past the clog, and I would reach in to remove the gravel.  It does not take a lot of gravel to clog the disposal, in fact, the reason it was so hard to fix, was because the small amount and small size of the gravel allowed it to sink deeply in to the smallest crevices of the disposal and clog it very effectively.  Finally, we were able to get it spinning freely on it's own, so I flipped the switch and off she went!  hooray!!  My poor hand looked like hamburger from being in running water and shoved in and out of the rough opening of the disposal for several hours.  NEVER AGAIN!  I will buy a drain trap or clean the bowl somewhere else before I go through that again!  The whole problem could have been avoided, had I kept on with patient endurance to complete my task, and remained vigilant against the gravel falling in the disposal in the first place! 

How much is this exactly like our daily lives?
What a visual description of our spiritual journeys!

In every day, we must remain vigilant, and not allow worries, troubles, worldliness, and sin to fall into our lives and our spirits!  Once we become impatient, apathetic, and lose our vigilance, then these things sneak into our lives without us noticing.  It does not take a large amount of this sinful gravel to clog up our lives...just a small amount that sinks down in unnoticed, sinking down into every pore, where it goes undetected, but stops up any moving part.   And they jam up, and clog up our life in Christ - often before we notice their presence.  We don't always want to admit that there is a problem.  We try to avoid it and fix it on our own.  We forget that HE has given us the proper tools to remove the clogs in life and to remove the gravel of sin, worry, worldliness, and despair from our spiritual walk with him.  But HE is the only answer.  Only the power of CHRIST JESUS will remove the clogs.  First, we must admit we have made a mess of our lives and there is a big old clog blocking our lives.  THEN, we must ask Christ for help repairing the damage created by our sins.  We must use the proper tools that He has given us: His Word (the Bible), prayer, fellowship with other believers, etc.  After asking Him to remove the sin from our lives, we are able to unclog it, unwind it, repair it - THROUGH HIM ONLY - and He will clean up the garbage disposal of our life and allow us to move forward again in spiritual growth and working towards completing our tasks on this earth.  This does not mean that the scars will not remain.  The damage we have done to our lives, but trying to repair it ourselves, - the consequences of our actions - often remains for a long time - as a reminder that we should have asked for His help and His forgiveness first.  I should not have jammed my hand into the disposal until the skin was raw and tearing...but eventually, with the help of vaseline and proper care, it will be repaired.  Christ and the Holy Spirit can sooth over the raw damage we have created in our lives, and over time, we will be healed through HIM...but some scars might still remain.    

The world we are living in is full of false prophets, evil desires, glorification of earthly pleasures, and rampant, glorified sin.  We are in a spiritual battle, and yet no one is paying attention to the enemy, who is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for those whom he can devour.  The world, basically, is full of gravel  - gravel that is actively seeking an opportunity to clog up our spiritual journey with Christ.  Gravel (EVIL) that is actively trying to undermine our faith in Christ, infiltrate our pores, and sneak in unnoticed until we face a major jamming up of our life.  We MUST choose to remain vigilant, to be wary, to avoid even the appearance of evil, to keep the tools Christ has given us handy, and to FILTER everything that enters our souls, so that we will NOT be clogged up by the evil of this world.  We must filter the world around us with prayer, daily Bible reading, surrounding ourselves with Christians who will hold us accountable and encourage and uplift us in prayer through struggles, and most of all, filter our lives through the presence of the Holy Spirit and the life of Christ Jesus living in us.  Be WARY of the false prophets and teachings of this world.  Avoid the clogs of life.  Keep Christ first and foremost in your daily life.  

1 Peter 5:8

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

2 Peter 1

New Living Translation (NLT)

Growing in Faith

³ By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. ⁴ And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

⁵ In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, ⁶ and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, ⁷ and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

⁸ The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

¹⁰ So, dear brothers and sisters,^[c] work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away. ¹¹ Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Paying Attention to Scripture

¹² Therefore, I will always remind you about these things—even though you already know them and are standing firm in the truth you have been taught. ¹³ And it is only right that I should keep on reminding you as long as I live.^{[d] 14} For our Lord Jesus Christ has shown me that I must soon leave this earthly life,^{[e] 15} so I will work hard to make sure you always remember these things after I am gone.

¹⁶ For we were not making up clever stories when we told you about the powerful coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. We saw his majestic splendor with our own eyes ¹⁷ when he received honor and glory from God the Father. The voice from the majestic glory of God said to him, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.”^{[f] 18} We ourselves heard that voice from heaven when we were with him on the holy mountain.

¹⁹ Because of that experience, we have even greater confidence in the message proclaimed by the prophets. You must pay close attention to what they wrote, for their words are like a lamp shining in a dark place—until the Day dawns, and Christ the Morning Star shines^[g] in your hearts. ²⁰ Above all, you must realize that no prophecy in Scripture ever came from the prophet’s own understanding,^{[h] 21} or from human initiative. No, those prophets were moved by the Holy Spirit, and they spoke from God.    

Buy the Man a Squirrel!

Background:
If you've seen the movie "UP", you know about the talking dog...and how his attention span is always brought up short when he sees a squirrel.

Well...my Hubby shouts "squirrel!" every time he sees a dirt bike.  EVERY time. 

He grew up riding dirt bikes, and raced motocross.  He misses having a bike.  His last bike was his favorite out of the 15 or so that he has owned over the years, but that was nearly 15 years ago! 

I've often encouraged him, telling him that we can all ride the four-wheelers, and he can ride his dirt bike, but he always insisted on keeping everything family oriented.

Last summer, when we bought our son a dirt bike, I could see the writing on the wall. 

Last Weekend:

I took the kids hiking - which was a little bit of a mistake, as the majority of the trail was either solid ice or slush...but we just HAD to get out of the house.  Hubby was working.  On the way home, in the car - they were talking about how excited they are to change seasons from snowmobiling to riding wheelers/dirt bikes.  I told them that if Daddy wants a dirt bike, he should just buy one, because we don't know if he will get sick like Auntie or not.  I didn't continue the thought I was having with them.  But - I would HATE for him to get sick and be physically unable to ride in 5 or 6 years, and then regret not riding while he IS able to ride. 

I stopped to fill up with gas, and grabbed a mini-nickel and another used-car-newspaper, just in case Hubby could find a dirt bike in them.

Later that evening when he got home from work, he pulled out a few phone numbers. 
AHA!  THAT explains the evenings I have returned home from 4-H meetings or church night and found the computer on!

I helped him with craigslist, and soon we were looking for his dream bike.

He stopped for a few quiet moments, held my gaze, and explained his reasoning for buying a dirt bike.  He has several "slush funds," and one has been sitting in the safe untouched for years.  Several years ago he sold his dad a custom saddle, and still had the original cash from that.  While it is a good idea to have a slush fund, it is money that is just sitting in the safe.  It would be better to use that money to buy a dirt bike that he can spend time with his family, dirt biking with Cody and us girls on the wheelers.  I wasn't going to argue with him.  Besides, in buying a used bike, the bike has already taken the biggest hit in depreciation, and if we would need the money, then we could sell the bike again.  I agreed with him.  I told him that I would like for him to have a bike while he is able to use one, since "we don't know what could happen." whether he gets hurt at work, or gets in a car accident....I didn't mention HD, but he knew exactly what I was thinking.  I beat around the bush talking about accidents and broken legs.  So while neither one of us didn't name the elephant in the room, we both acknowledged his presence.  Hubby was pleased that we were "on the same page" and I had to wipe away a few tears.  We both knew what the future could hold...and that he should ride while he still could.

It's pretty awesome that we are always on the same page - sometimes without even talking about it.  God sure knew what he was doing when He put the two of us in the same room together those many years ago! 

We found the bike he wanted and it was still available.  The bike had a LOT of extras, but was being sold by an out of work contractor.  He was willing to barter on the price with us.  Hooray. 

Wednesday:
Unloaded the kids sleds off the sled deck...

Thursday:

We asked the kids if they would rather go see stuff in Great Falls, buy the bike and come home, or if they'd like to go riding on the way home.  A resounding, very loud cheer went up for riding four-wheelers and dirt bikes.  So we had them help prep their "toys" - check tire pressure, etc, and then we loaded up Punkin's ATV and the Little Man's dirt bike.

Friday:
Found all our gear and packed snacks...

This Weekend:

Hubby didn't have to work on Saturday, and we headed to Great Falls, MT to check out the bike.  We had a tie strap come loose on the ATV, but managed to tighten it down before we lost it off the sled deck.  I climbed up and straightened all the straps out and thought that I would need to pay closer attention in the future.  I used to leave this up to Hubby to handle...but he might not always be paying attention anymore...so...mental note to self: double check his tie straps!  We found the guy's grain farm and the bike was everything he wanted and more.  We came home with SEVERAL boxes of spare parts.  After purchasing the bike, we quickly grabbed a subway and headed back out of town towards home! 

Hubby is a pretty quiet guy...his sister calls him a "flat liner"...but I knew he was SUPER excited when about every 15-20 minutes he'd say, "well....I'm pretty excited about this..." He also thanked me a couple of times for supporting him...and I choked down my emotions and squeaked out, "I'm just real happy for you to have this bike..."

We pulled into Radersburg (you can't drive past there without stopping to ride!) and unloaded all the toys.  We hardly got out of the truck doors and another rider came over to check out his bike!  Hubby's cousin was there with his family, and Punkin was so excited to ride her wheeler, she didn't even want to say hi before she took off!  I showed her a loop to take and off she went. We got the Little Man lined out to do circles in the parking lot, while I stood there waiting to catch him when he was ready to stop.  (His bike is quite a bit bigger than he is, but he should be able to ride it for many years - when he is ready to upgrade, I think I'll keep this one for me!).  Hubby took off for a few laps to test out the new bike.

His cousin pulled up next to me on his bike and said, "it sure is good to see him on a bike again!"  We agreed that we would HATE for him to have waited 5 or 6 years, and then be sick and physically unable to ride and always regret not riding while he had the chance.  It was so great to watch everyone chase each other around in circles.  I wasn't fast enough to catch Little Man the first time he FINALLY motioned that he wanted to stop, and his bike landed on his ankle.  He toughed it out, though, and kept riding.  We worked out a better system to give me a little more warning and I caught his bike every time he wanted to stop.  He even got it up into 2nd gear and doing a bigger loop after that.  It was just great watching Hubby chase Punkin on her wheeler and take her on a bigger loop, and then come back and follow Little Man around the parking lot.  I cherished the afternoon...and didn't want it to slip away, but time has a way of catching up with us.

It was a great day...we finally loaded up and headed home...anticipating the next chance we have to get out and do some riding.  We have to figure out how to catch the Little Man, so we can head down the trail...everyone is so excited, we can't seem to talk them into any more snowmobiling this year.  hhhmmm...mommy would like to get out on a couple of spring rides still...but I'm being out-voted.  

until our next crazy adventure....God Bless! 

Acknowledge the Elephant...or Keep it in a cage

Someone accused me of having poor communication with Hubby - because I have 3 (a whole 3 - and all of you) - dear dear friends who I can talk to about Hubby and HD; and yet, I allow him to keep the elephant in the room and not discuss it with him.  "It's a sign of a bad marriage if you can't talk to him - he's supposed to be your best friend."

However, we can often talk about something, without actually talking about it.  We can discuss the elephant in the room, without naming him.  We read each other's minds...

So I simply have to say, yes - yes he is - my very best friend...but because I love him and cherish him dearly - I allow him the luxury of protecting his heart and mind from the painful memories...and I throw a blanket over the elephant.  I know Hubby accepts God's will in this matter just as we do with all of life.  But do we NEED to discuss it every day?  Wouldn't that cause us more worry?  In my opinion, worry is simply a lack of trusting in God's will.  HIS GOOD and PERFECT will.  I honestly believe it will bring unnecessary stress into his life if we talk about the elephant in the room constantly.  The devil sends enough flaming darts into our lives - I don't think I need to poor gasoline on the flames!  We do mention the elephant on occasion...but...more than anything, we try to keep it behind a curtain, inside a cage.

Sometimes, I wonder if he notices the twitching and other symptoms.  When he twitches and fidgets with his feet, it bugs me because I do not know if it is habit  or if it is a symptom.  But every time I point it out, he says, "I've always been fidgety."  Okay - so I won't ask anymore - but every single twitch he makes, I wonder, "is he sick?!?"

Sometimes I think that perhaps he sees the symptoms but is trying to protect the kids and I by not acknowledging it.  What good would it do him, if I were to point out every time he flinches?  Let's say I discuss his symptoms with him again...I will only rekindle old, bad, terrible, horrible memories from his childhood, and sadness for his sister and her family, and fears for the future.  He has lived his WHOLE LIFE dealing with the tragic and horrific effects of Huntington's disease on his family.  He SEES the big picture.  Old feelings and tragedies are resurrected when talking about it.  So...by pointing out every symptom when I see it, all I do is rip open the vault full of painful memories.  He does not need me to create more worry and depression, and fears for the future.  He knows the pain of Huntington's - personally and deeply.  We do not need to sit and talk about it every waking moment!

He knows the elephant is in the room, and he doesn't need me to remind him it is there.  So we will both continue our little dance, beating around the bushes, talking of other "what if something happens" - without naming HD - for the most part.  We both know fully well what we are thinking about and talking about....we don't need to get into great details and call the elephant by name.  We are both keeping the elephant carefully locked in a cage, so that we can protect the other one from being squished, trampled, and killed by the elephant. 

We have both fully accepted God's will for us in this matter....we've both discussed that...we've talked about HD...but I don't need to talk about it daily and be a constant reminder, a burr under the saddle (uuummm - that just makes the horse buck!) and a tool for Satan's flaming darts. 

Instead, we pray.  We pray, and we accept God's will.  We pray, we accept God's will, and protect each other by hiding the elephant in a cage behind a very transparent curtain.  That is the best both of us can do.

School Board

In the middle of a very hectic week, I received a letter from the school.  The nominating committee would like to include my name on the ballot for the school board.  I didn't get past the first sentence before I set it on the table.  This will take considerable prayer...but in spite of the pit in my stomach, I already know I won't be able to say "no."

I have many conversations with my Lord about the nomination.  The Hubby and I discuss it a couple of times as well.  Even though I know I will agree to allow my name placed for nomination, I resist.

I allow the flaming darts of Satan to sink in and cause me to worry.  I must have forgotten to put my armor on again.  My greatest concern is the time commitment.  I already leave the house at 7 am, and often do not get home with the kids until 6:30 pm.  That gives me limited time to cram some dinner in them while they do homework, hop in the shower, and off to bed.  Not to mention, that most evenings, we are off and running somewhere - 4-H, sports, church night, school functions, whatever...we have a revolving driveway - always in motion.

I fight it...foolishly.

You know - here I pray, constantly, for the Lord to use me...that I can serve Him somehow; certainly, I should TRUST HIM when He DOES call me to serve Him! 

If I sit and fret about time management and stress levels, then, at the root of it all, I am basically doubting HIM!  If I doubt this nomination, I am doubting my Lord!  WHO, as you recall, I have  asked daily to serve! 

Overwhelming peace comes over me, and calmly I smile and nod. Yes, Lord, I hear you. I will be still and know...YOU ARE MY GOD!

I always accept His will - and I need to accept His will and serve wherever He calls me.  I might not be saving the starving orphans in Africa...but that does not mean I am not serving, and that He hasn't called me to serve HIM, and that He is unable to use me and work through me!

I trust completely, that if it is God's will that I serve on the school board, then HE will create the time, and provide me with strength and peace.  (as in, the opposite of stress).  If it is not His will, I won't get in...and that is fine too.

My dear sister in Christ said, "maybe it is better to be nominated now, before the kids are in high school and we get even busier."  Little does she know my deepest thoughts, for I cannot share them when the kids are listening to my phone call.  You see - I've already considered the timing...what if it is God's will that I serve NOW, because NOW, the Hubby can still help me watch the kids and cover for me on the evenings when I would have to attend meetings.  In 5 years, that may not be the case...in 5 years, he might not be able to help with the kids.  (of course, in 5 years, Punkin will be driving and they can make their own dinner...but still...)

So, I write the nomination acceptance letter with peace and acceptance. 
If it is God's will that I do not get in - then there is still a reason for being nominated...whatever that might be...and whatever that might be, I accept completely.
If it is God's will that I do get in, then I fully accept that it is His will and He not only has a reason for it, but He will see me through it.

Weekend Warriors

I should be able to get caught up on sleep and rest on a weekend...sometime...but we are weekend warriors, and I find myself exhausted again on a Monday morning.

It looks to be a busy week, too, so I'll need to find some time to steal a cat nap somewhere along the line.

I had to get off work early on Friday to get to school in time to grab Buddy and get him ready for playing BB during half time of the high school game.  Unfortunately, they had him scheduled to play during the JV game, which started at 4, so it was doubtful that Hubby would be able to make it.  Fridays are generally the worst for him at work, and his schedule is highly unpredictable on Friday evenings.  He usually ends up working late.  I sat in the stands, sorry that he would miss it....not just because he is the dad, missing the event....but because...well...what if??  And I thought to myself about the many many times due to his work schedule, that I had acted as a single mom.  In so many areas, it is (unfortunately) just the kids and I.  Hubby wishes he could participate more, but he is at work and needs to put in his hours.  So, I cherish the time spent socializing with my other "mom-friends" knowing that someday...someday they might be the only ones with me.  Has God been slowly preparing me for the life of a single parent?  I hope not.  I hope I never lose Hubby.  But...if I am going to...then thank the good Lord for helping prepare me in advance. 

So I cherish the smiles, giggles, laughter and love of my friends, and we whisper and giggle in the stands like a couple of middle school girls.  These ladies are so much more than "friends." They are my sisters in Christ.  They know my true heart.  We share the same Lord and Maker - our FATHER in Heaven.  We are closer than "friends" - our very souls understand each other - and we love each other with the Father's love!  Oh how I thank God for giving me these friends!  I need them desperately in my life.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever need them - for anything - now or in the future - they will always be there and I will always have them to lean on.  Thank you, Lord, for providing me with such good family!! 

My phone rings, and Hubby asks when the little man will be playing.  He also asks what we are doing on Monday evening.  He is rearranging his work schedule with his boss to insure that he can make it to the game in time.  If he can push some of his work to Monday evening, then he can get off work with barely enough time to catch the game.  We have lots of 4-H activities on Monday, so he won't miss much if he works late.  He manages to arrive at the game with a few minutes to spare.  Punkin and I spy him thru the windows and wave excitedly.  Not only is it nice to see him, but it will be so nice to have him sitting next to me at the games!  Below us, the 3rd and 4th graders come out wearing little school jerseys, waiting anxiously for their chance on the court.  Moms hold their breath in anticipation.  We cheer on the high school boys while glancing down at our little guys.  As moms, we know how fast time flies, knowing that in a few short years it will be our kids on the court.  I want to get some good pictures, so I make my way down to the court at halftime, and try to preserve the memory...not just for me...or even for the little man...but for Hubby...how many of the kids' games will he be able to see?  How many will he miss?  I am SO happy he is here to watch the little man's first time on the big court in front of a home crowd.  The buzzer sounds and the high school boys high five and fist bump the little guys as they come off the court.  I love our school.  I love the sense of community and shared love.  We are all family in Christ - brothers and sisters in Christ our Lord - and to see the "big kids" cheering on the little kids, when it is usually the other way around.  My heart skips a beat and I catch my breath for a second, as I pause to thank the Lord for giving us a FAMILY.  I push the bad thoughts to the side, and hurry back to sit next to Hubby, hold his hand, laugh, smile, cheer loud, and just plain enjoy the evening.

We have a busy day planned for Saturday and we are all tired, so we don't make it through the end of the games before we head home.  Our friend has left a trailer with 3 snowmobiles and a dirt bike parked in our driveway.  Hubby is supposed to work on them in his "free time" (he doesn't have free time).  We will need to rearrange everything in the driveway before we can go to bed.  I point the kids into the house and get a warmer coat on.  First we move everything stacked behind the camper...then hook up to the camper to push it back and make room for Andy's trailer.  We had to loosen the sleds on the sled deck and push them to the outside of the deck, so that there was enough room to hitch up.  Got the camper pushed back another 8 feet or so.  Unhook everything and hook up to the Andy's trailer....get it backed in front of the camper...barely fits.  unhook again and repark until we hook up to our trailer in the morning.  Hubby climbs on the sled deck to make sure Punkin's sled is running right, while I wrap a logging chain around the 3 sleds and the dirt bike and padlock them together.  Then we chain and padlock the sled trailer to the camper.  Soon I am helping change spark plugs in Punkin's sled.  I enjoy working outside with Hubby, as we have such a spirit of teamwork and comraderie.  I cherish even these moments....we work so well together...I don't think there is anyone I can work so easily with.  Soon I can get my car to fit in the driveway and we are done and can go inside.  Kids are passed out sleeping in various locations in the house.  We crawl in bed and snuggle...and he twitches...and I push back my initial reaction of being irritated by being kept awake, and start praying.  I would rather have him here, alive and twitching, than laying alone in an empty bed.  oh, Please, Please PLEASE, dear Lord, do not let him be sick....but if it's Your will, then give me the strength to get through this....and I let sleep claim me.

As always, morning comes way too early, and I start packing our snowmobile gear while Hubby hooks up the trailer. Kids are slow moving, but up and ready to go try somewhere new.  We head to Taylor's Fork and start unloading sleds.  By the time the kids are geared up and pile out of the truck, Hubby and I have pushed the trailer back and are getting the ramp ready for the sled deck.  Punkin says, "you guys are, like, in stereo!"  I smile.  Yes - we have a system down and can work together without even talking.  We just go into auto pilot and hook up the ramp together.  It's funny - when we ride with other people - they often want to help us with the ramp - and I appreciate that - but it usually ends up slowing us down and there is more confusion.  Maybe I need to SPEAK to them, since they cannot read my mind like Hubby does.  ha ha ha. 

What a great day of riding.  We are so impressed with the kids.  They are really doing great!  Of course, we are biased, and we know that, but when I shoot up a gully full of powder and head back down to the trail, I am shocked and surprised to find that the Little Man followed me up it!  He wasn't supposed to follow me!  But he did!  Turkey!  I holler at Hubby - "He wasn't supposed to follow me up there!" and Hubby laughs a great belly laugh and we head down the trail some more.  Punkin is my trail racer...if we didn't have to wait for the little man to keep up, I'm pretty sure she'd love to whip it up and race me down the trail.  They both put about 60 miles on their sleds today, and are looking for more meadows on the way out! 

We get everyone loaded in the truck, eat a few snacks, and "bench race" half the way home.  So many great memories and "remember whens" added to the cache today.  sigh. 

We made it home in time to watch a movie before bed.  Oh what a bunch of laughter we had.  Hubby is so full of one-liners...it's just great....and again...I cherish each moment, and ponder them in my heart.  How many more days like this will we have?

Sundays are wonderful refreshing days for body, mind and spirit.  I sit in church and lean against Hubby's shoulder.  I hold his hands while we sing.  Little Man is sitting up front with the Cadets for Cadet Sunday, and at one point I look down and see Hubby is clinging to both Punkin and my hands.  and I watch his fingers twitch, and his feet shuffle.  I'm fidgety too - I have a hard time getting comfortable on the wooden pews, and my bad knee always gets locked up during the sermon, but I glance back at Hubby's hands...and wonder if he can force the twitching to stop.  I close my eyes and will my heart and mind to remember this moment forever.  I love sitting next to him in church.  I don't particularly want to sit alone some day.  So I scootch even closer. In the fellowship hall after the service, I find that I cannot keep my hands off of him.  I just need to touch him while I can.  I keep my hand on his arm.  The kids are impatient to leave, but he is talking to someone.  It is important to allow him the time to talk with his brothers in Christ.  We wait as patiently as possible, and I keep holding his arm.  After a quick lunch and running over to take care of my folks' place, we somehow squeeze onto the couch together and try to nap.  He is incredibly cozy.  I am in a lot of pain, trying to balance on the couch, but I don't want to move.  Eventually, the guilt of leaving laundry in the washer and the pain in my neck drives me from the couch.  I know we need to go to night church, but I just don't want to interrupt his sleep. He looks so peaceful...other than the snoring...he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.  He doesn't twitch in his sleep....

We have been ridiculed for always being so busy on the weekends...and for not staying home and doing housework, etc.  But we'll have plenty of time for housework someday. 
right now...
right now...we build memories...

and so, Monday morning comes, and we drag ourselves out of bed and start another week of activity. 

I've been at work for a few hours, and I already miss him.

I trust...I hope...I pray...I wait...and I have faith in my good Lord and Savior.
HE alone will give me strength and peace.
it's going to be okay.
no matter what...
it's going to be okay.

In the beginning...

Well...
Here goes....

I thought I would start a blog...
not so much because I want people to read it...
or to "glorify" myself....because all glory goes to God.

I guess, I am feeling the need to begin a journal...of the adventure and journey I am about to embark upon...

sounds exciting, right?

I'm not sure....
my journey...is my life - physical, emotional, spiritual - on this earth, with my dearest...my hubbie.

I do not know where this adventure will take us...but I see some landmarks on the side of the road, and some road signs, and I think I know the road we will be headed down.  I would like to make it to my final destination by taking a different road. 

But God's will is perfect.  God's plan is perfect.  Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.  I do not shirk from trials and tribulations.  For the good Lord uses them to strengthen us...to build us up...to teach us, develop us, form us...but...that doesn't mean I LIKE to go through the process to be developed, formed, taught, built up... 

Oh, EVERY one of us is on a life journey - to be sure.
We all have a destination - life does not end when our bodies fail here on earth, but continues on for eternity.  If you are willing to take the time to look around, you can see where your journey is taking you for your final destination...

But this is more about the road we will be taking to get there...and someday, in the midst of the struggles of this journey, I want to be able to remember...how did I feel at the beginning?  And most importantly, I want to glorify God and see His hands at work throughout this entire process.

This blog is mostly for me.
But if you find strength and comfort from it - then praise the Lord above, and give HIM the glory.

In the beginning....
(LONG PAUSE) - I am contemplating how far back to go...

I would like to choose right now as a starting point, and address the elephant lurking in the room.  But I know full well that the elephant has always been in the room, try as we have to ignore it, and this journey of ours began long long ago.
Are some things better left alone??
Do I need to exhume all these old facts and feelings from the graveyard of my heart and mind?

 Perhaps I need to "tear off the band-aid" to allow anyone crazy enough to read this - with a "prologue" to this story.

When Hubbie and I met - it was love at first sight.
Truly.  100% head over heels, and the full knowledge that God had brought us together in amazing ways.  There was an immediate understanding that we would be together forever.

Shortly into the relationship, he had to tear off the band-aid, exhume his painful past, and tell me about Huntington's Disease. 

Huntington's is...indescribably horrible, beyond description.
The best way to describe it, is that it is similar to having ALS, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's all at the same time.  Oh, yea, and throw in some depression, mood swings and outbursts while you are at it.

If you want to know more, then you may go here: http://hdsa.org/what-is-hd/  

If someone has Huntington's, their children have a 50% chance of having Huntington's.
His grandpa, mom and aunt all had it.
He has a 50% chance of having it.

He wasn't sure I was willing to accept this potential struggle and challenge, especially so early in a relationship, even though we both knew God meant us to be together.  He wanted me to know before it hurt too much to end the relationship and leave.

But I knew, that with God, all things are possible.
I know, that with God, we could face it together.
I still know, and have incredible peace, that IF this is God's will for our lives, then HE will see us through it, and God can use it to HIS glory.

I might not be able to SEE or predict or understand the good that could come out of this...but I know who God is.  God is my Father in Heaven, my creator, my Lord, my Savior, my GOD!  He is good and perfect and pure.  I know that He loves me beyond measure.  I know that His plan is perfect.  I know that HE will give us the strength and peace to somehow get through this, He asks us to walk that journey through Huntington's.  Even though we must walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we can fear no evil - WHY? - Because HE is WITH us.  He won't ask us to take that journey and then abandon or forsake us.  No, He will be right there with us, through it all.  And so I know....it will be okay.  eventually...it will be okay.
But I pray that Hubby will escape this disease, and that he will be the other side of the 50% of Huntington's children.

And so, we carried on with our lives, got married, played hard, then settled down and had children.  Giving our lives into God's hands...placing our future in His plan and purpose.
People die every day - in car accidents, in work accidents, in so many ways.
Why would I give up or forfeit even 10 good years with Hubby, to avoid something that might never happen? 
No - I give myself fully to Hubby, love unconditionally, withholding no emotions as a means of "protecting my heart" - no - instead, I appreciate and cherish every good moment.

The elephant was in the room all these years...but was ignored for the most part.
Certainly, no one wanted to talk about the elephant!
Not even when he stepped on your foot - you don't talk about the elephant unless you are forced to.
You might, on occasion, talk about the large grey animal in the room...but you try not to name him.

So - that's the prologue, the preamble, if you will, of this crazy story of ours...

Chapter 1
January 2012.
We had all seen a few warning signs...
we were all worried.
We all prayed that we were wrong...
but the tests came back...
Hubby's sister has Huntington's.
and no matter how hard we keep trying to ignore the elephant in the room...it seems we keep bumping into him, he is refusing to be ignored.

Now, our prayers, are that God can use this in their lives...that some good can come from this...

Remember that 50%?
So, now that she is diagnosed, our nieces each have a 50% chance of getting it.
If Hubby never gets it - our children will never get it - but if he does - then they have a 50% chance of getting it also.
It is an ugly, ugly disease.

and I watch him....suspiciously, and wait.
watching him like a hawk, wondering, and praying.
I eye him in the evenings on the couch...and wonder...has he always been this fidgety??
Is this something new?
Is he just fidgeting, or is it uncontrollable?
Is he flexing his hands because they hurt after a long day at work, or because he can't control what his hands are doing?
His feet seem like they can't get comfortable in front of the tv.
Do they hurt from standing on concrete all day long, (yes they do), or are they involuntarily twitching? 
I pray and will for myself to not be annoyed when we cuddle on the couch and he doesn't stop twitching...reminding myself over and over...what if he can't control it?  What if he isn't doing it on purpose?
Was he getting turned around hunting because he's just getting old like the rest of us, or is he getting confused?
Why is he the one stumbling on tree limbs and walking so noisily through the grass, when I am the one with the bum leg?  He has always had cat like reflexes and amazing stealth in the woods.  I swear, it was like trying to follow someone who never actually set his feet down on anything, and I was the bumbling, stumbling, noisy one chasing the elk away.  But now..I am the stealthy one, while mhe is stumbling and noisy and stomping through the woods...what is going on now??

Are our finances in order?
How will I be able to make a house payment?
How will I be able to make medical payments?
How will I handle the challenges of losing my best friend, slowly and painfully? (gracefully, I hope)
And then I remind myself...it will ALL be okay. 

God knows.
He is my father.
He will provide for ALL my needs - spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Everything will be fine.
I do not allow myself to go down the "what if" road...but instead, I take a sharp detour onto the "God is good, and God will provide" road instead.
I trust in Him completely.

And yet...I sit closer on the couch...
I trade places in church with the kids so that I can sit with him, stand with him, sing with him, praise our Lord God and Savior with him.
I try not to kick his legs back over onto his side of the bed, but curl up on the edge without complaint, because I know full well that there are many many people out there who would love to fight for bed space if it meant having their loved one back...knowing, that some day, that might be me.

Should we spend the money to buy our Little Man a snowmobile?
Will we use it enough to justify it?
And I think - we must - we must use it while we can - we must use it before it's too late.
Saturdays are not spent cleaning house and doing handyman jobs.
Saturdays are spent building as many memories and remember whens as possible.
Saturdays are being used as much as possible, because some day...we will not be able to use Saturdays.
Saturdays will be another caregiver day...

So we stuff Punkin and the Lil Man onto their sleds and off we go into the mountains.
It can be a lot of work, loading and unloading 4 sleds.
But we are out in God's glorious creation, chasing each other around in the powder, and laughing, and sometimes hollering, and I cherish every moment.
I watch Hubby chase his dad around the mountain and hog the powder that I want to hog, while I stay on the trail leading the kids down the road, and I smile...it's good to watch the wide open expanses of fresh powder sparkle in the sunshine and hear the BRAAAAAP, BRAAAAP of their two snowmobiles chasing each other up and down the chutes and gullies. 
I look back at Punkin and Lil Man right on my tail and hit the gas a little harder, and I grin.
What a perfect day.
I round the switchback and spy Hubby above the road, dropping into the chute that I took the kids around, and I glance down the mountain at the next chute I want to drop into, but instead I putz around the road, and 3 corners later, I smile - I KNEW he would take that line!  I look at his tracks and grin, knowing how much fun he just had bailing off the side of the mountain.
I blink back the tears, blip the throttle, and CHERISH the moment, carefully tucking the memory into the right file folder in my mind...

In the Bible, it talks about Jesus' mother Mary "pondering these things in her heart" - and most of us don't quite understand exactly what this means.  Oh, we've heard plenty of sermons, and read books, and heard several explanations...
but now...
now...
I know.

I know.

I sit on my snowmobile/church pew/four wheeler/truck seat/camper bench/lawn chair/couch, look across at Hubby, and then the Lil Man and Punkin...and I ponder these moments in my heart.
I cherish them, and crave to burn them into my memory.

And right when I start to despair...I gather it up, and hand it to my Lord.
For there comes a day, where He will wipe the tear from every eye.
And I lean on the promises of His word...and His character...and I feel His strength welling up inside me.

of course...I would LOVE to take a different road to reach my destination in this journey...
but...I will gladly take the road that the Lord God has set before me, because I know that He loves me with an everlasting love, and no matter the trials and troubles I am about to face on this road, without a doubt, I KNOW this to be true:

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:1-2 NIV

To HIM be the glory, in all things...
ALL things...

No...Hubby has not been tested.
Hubby has not been diagnosed.
Hubby likes to ignore the elephant as much as possible.
But with his sister on the church prayer list, other people talk about, ask about, pray about, LOVE about the elephant...and it is good to address the elephant.
It is healing.
Prayers are felt during time of anxiety.

I do hope, oh, how I hope!  I hope and pray and hope and pray that we are on a different road on our way to Heaven and eternal life with our King and our God, but when I look out the window at the road signs and the landmarks...I am pretty sure I know which road we are on, and I just THANK and PRAISE the LORD GOD for navigating and driving us through this journey. With Him at the wheel, the journey cannot fail.  Jesus, take the wheel.  You have absolute control.  Thank you, Lord, Thank you, for loving me, for loving us, for being with us, for strengthening us, for giving us your peace, love, mercy, grace and PEACE.  Heal us, Lord.  Heal our souls.  Make us pure and perfect in You alone. May YOU receive all the glory forever and ever!!! Amen!


In love and Prayers....

Crazy Wife