Oh, how I trust the Lord, for He is Good, and His love and mercy last through all generations....
I try so hard leave our future in His good and perfect hands. I would say that most of the time, I can calmly face our future, for I know - without a doubt - that HE will care for us - He will guide us - HE will strengthen and encourage us. He is all that is good and pure and noble and true. He is full of grace and mercy, love and peace. I can assuredly say, "His will be done."
But of course, there are times, of...not really doubt...but...over-reacting.
I watch Hubby walk, and wonder.
I watch Hubby lose simple things, like directions or maps or log books, and I wonder.
Am I over-reacting?
Is this a normal progression with age?
I'm getting older and more forgetful at times, but I don't misplace tools that are important to my job...
And most often they are not lost, but he will ask "have you seen my _____" and he has usually left it in an odd location instead of keeping track of it.
This is NOT common for him....this is a new thing in the past two years.
I try hard not to think the worst every time he makes a mistake, or spills another glass of milk across the table, or locks his keys in his car again...but...I suppose it is only natural to think the worst when these are new characteristics so unlike the Hubby I have known.
I try to have patience instead of panic when he cannot stop moving his feet and hands in the evenings, or when we lie in bed and before he drops off to sleep he twitches arms, legs, feet, hands, etc. for 30-40 minutes, shaking the bed. When he holds my hand and it twitches and squeezes my fingers, I try not to pull my hand away, but bite my lip and blink back the tears brought on by both physical and emotional pain. I'll hold his hand for as long as I can. But then I wonder...am I really seeing symptoms, or am I just panicking. Am I seeing symptoms of HD just because I am looking for them?
When did he start having a hard time socializing? With some people he acts like the same old Hubby, but with others, his conversations are...somewhat...awkward. And he is ever so clumsy compared to my Hubby. Why, the other day we were in an archery store, and he literally walked right into some privately owned bows hanging on hooks in the shooting range and knocked them to the concrete floor. Oh my goodness...the people were accommodating, but I thought we would be purchasing two new bows for these people! I felt sorry for Hubby, I know he felt awful...but...I immediately thought it was yet one more proof that he has HD. I worry at times like these - how many mistakes does he make at work? How long will he be able to work before he can no longer perform the necessary tasks? Not just of his current job, but of ANY job?!?
In my heart, I know. I just know. But I don't want to believe. It is much easier to doubt my observations. It is easier to assume I am seeing things and panicking and over-reacting to my fears and not facts. Besides, God has it all in control. But then we sit together on the couch, and his feet are up on the recliner and off the recliner and this way and that way and his hands are jerking around and I close my eyes and whisper a prayer to my Savior, my Lord, my Holy Spirit...to please give me strength.
I both know...and I wonder...at the same time.
Maybe it's all in my head....maybe I'm looking too hard at his new faults...but then I know...I'm not over-reacting. So I find comfort in my Lord.
If God is for me, who (or what) can be against me?
and I praise Him...for without Him and His strength and peace, I would surely have crumbled long ago.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Doing the work of a grown man...
I know someone who lost her hubby quite some time ago, and I find great comfort in her blog. I'm sure she has no idea how her pain, open emotions, and true expressions of Christian faith have helped me steel myself for the future and focus my eyes on Christ. I could see the Lord giving her strength and peace and love through the loss of her husband, and she glorified the Lord in all she said. I pray that if I am faced with the same situation, I might be able to do the same. I pray that when I am faced with that situation, I will be able to do the same...
One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility. She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.
I am a fairly independent, farm girl. I was certified to be a shop teacher. I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it. I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home. So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here. I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year. I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on). I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below). I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone. When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me. Now there was a role reversal!! I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder. But I guess not anymore. The task fell on me. Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point. Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving... There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already. I will do more out of necessity as his health fails. But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.
And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon." So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me. This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor). I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space. There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too. I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at. Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables. I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me. From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option. I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me. But I will do what I need to do. I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others. But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now. Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to. I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.
I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it. I always want to say something, but I can't. What if you don't have a choice, ladies? What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies? I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't. I feel as though I have already lost him. I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss. One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you? or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you" but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.
Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least! I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do. If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies? Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?
I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case. You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?
What then?
One day she expressed how difficult it is for her to complete some of the household tasks that had always been "his" responsibility. She regretted that she did not take the time to learn these household chores from him and expressed how she struggles now when certain chores like repairing cars or fixing toilets, or cleaning the furnace, or, or, or arise and she must learn a whole new set of responsibilities.
I am a fairly independent, farm girl. I was certified to be a shop teacher. I also know, with a hard working hubby who is often at work or too tired when he gets home, that (sometimes) if I want something done, I'd better just do it. I don't play the "helpless female" card very well, although I do appreciate having a set of "man roles" and "woman roles" in our home. So I while I don't totally relate to all of her worries, I greatly appreciated her honesty and insight. Since reading her blog, I've been making a conscious effort to do or learn additional tasks around here. I installed and took down our Christmas lights on the house roof by myself this year. I keep track of which fuses run which things (the giant air compressor is usually turned off, so I have to flip the fuse to turn it on). I learned how to light a propane torch to thaw a frozen lock on a shed door when it is 28 below zero, and then put together a propane heater when the power is out (and it is 25 below). I do my own car maintenance for the most part, but have been increasing my maintenance duties. I take the kids out to hike or fish or hunt or shoot by myself - although I prefer to do this as a family - when need arises, I do it alone. When we hunted this year, I was the "official gutter" and gutted everyone's animals while Hubby simply held a leg for me. Now there was a role reversal!! I've always gutted my own animals, but if he is there, then I am the chief leg holder. But I guess not anymore. The task fell on me. Which is fine, I don't mind, but I did notice that I was the one taking on the manly, family leader-type roles at that point. Loading and unloading wheelers, strapping things down, doing almost all of the driving... There are a lot of "man tasks" I do already. I will do more out of necessity as his health fails. But I am making a conscious effort to do more so that I can learn how to do it when he can't do it anymore.
And, as I watch Hubby and wonder about our future or see him struggle, I sadly think, "ooohp - that's one more thing I need to learn soon." So I am now purposely attempting to complete tasks without waiting for Hubby to complete them, and I have set goals of which items I need to learn how to do while he is still here to show me. This spring, I will have Hubby show me how to attach the pipes to the sprinkler system (he takes the pipes off each fall when he blows it out with the air compressor). I do know how to program the system each spring, and I could probably figure out the rest...but it does involve going into the spider infested crawl space. There are just a few too many hobos and black widows down there to suit me...but...I'll handle that too. I'm learning to trust my instincts with my car instead of waiting for my mechanic Hubby to help...sometimes I just need to make an executive decision to bring it in and have it worked on or noises looked at. Thankfully Hubby has a reserve account to pay for things like emergency brake repair and new tires when I am driving on the cables. I don't want to be left wondering some day how to do it myself or how I can afford to pay someone to take care of it for me. From the looks of things, hiring someone will not be an option. I don't want to be the helpless female always asking male friends or my friends' hubbies to come take care of things for me. But I will do what I need to do. I will need to learn how to ask for and accept help from others. But that is why I am trying to learn as much as I can now. Don't get me wrong - I am not trying to take over these tasks from Hubby - he will still be in charge of braving the spider land to turn on the water to the sprinklers, but I should at least KNOW how to do it if I needed to. I should at least know the basics of how to care for some of the more manly tasks in our household.
I have friends who refuse to do certain tasks, because they don't know how, or they just expect their hubby to take care of it. I always want to say something, but I can't. What if you don't have a choice, ladies? What if your hubby is too sick to do it or if he dies? I still have a hubby to help me out, but at those moments, I felt as though I don't. I feel as though I have already lost him. I suppose it is pangs of jealousy for their ignorant bliss. One time, I wanted to shout - what if you don't HAVE a man to do it for you? or cry and say, "it sure must be nice to have a man to do it for you" but instead, I usually try to lighten the mood instead.
Now, I am not being harsh or critical of them!! Not in the least! I am just forced to have a different attitude than they do. If they have hubbies who take care of these things for them - that is wonderful - but it made me feel so empty inside...and I wanted to remind them of my ever-present fear - what if your Hubby won't be able to help you for many more years, or caution them: what if your hubby dies? Then how will you handle that situation, or complete that household task?
I want to encourage you ladies...at least learn something about it - even if you intend to leave it up to HIS tasks, and men out there - at least show your wives how to take care of some of the basics - just in case. You may never face a terminal illness that slowly robs you of your strength, abilities, motor-skills and mind...but you could get hit by a car tomorrow...and what then?
What then?
Monday, March 24, 2014
Update/Winter & Spring
Wow....October!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...
In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.
We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season. I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together. It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy. I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together. I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye. Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away. It was so exciting! I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain. The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again. Again, it was extra special. Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together. The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned. How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt? Will his health be good enough to still hunt then? He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet. But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out. A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath. Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.
Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles. I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain. We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through. I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done. I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't. I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away. I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.
Christmas came, and time spent together with family. I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two. Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining. He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him. His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together. And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace. God is here with us. I feel His presence all around us. and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.
I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away. We only keep in touch at Christmas. I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year? At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God. What would I say?? Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God?? I just couldn't do it. I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't. I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return. I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness. With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.
With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps. His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid. I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills. New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc. but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide. It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us! I need to TRUST and NOT worry!! I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart! God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day! Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle! Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength! I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less. We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ! I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out. I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year. Life is springing forth out from under the snow. Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear. After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE! What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him! I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning. I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord. This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future. The REAL future. My eternal future. I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul. No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to! Praise the Lord!
Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!
I can hardly believe that the last time I posted was October!
So much time has passed since then...
so many thoughts...
so many feelings...
so many trials...
so many triumphs...
In a nutshell:
Hubby GOT the job with the potential boss in the previous post.
He still has some back issues, and this job is very physically demanding.
At first, he seemed to make quite a few mistakes at work that I would blame on the poor decision making skills that he seems to have acquired, but his boss has been patient and loyal.
We enjoyed taking Kid 1 through her first hunting season. I took her a couple times on my own, but God had better plans, and she was able to harvest a deer with all of us together. It was bitter sweet for me as I watched her with her daddy. I wondered how many more years we have left where we can all hunt together. I held back - there will be plenty of time for me to take her hunting...I let her daddy lead her and guide her and I sat back and watched with a lump in my throat and a wind-blown tear in my eye. Long story short, she got her deer with daddy by her side while I watched from a couple hundred yards away. It was so exciting! I could write a 3 page hunting story, but I will refrain. The next Sat she dropped her first elk with all of us together again. Again, it was extra special. Kid 2 almost froze, but hung in there to help her be successful, and I held back again in order to allow Kid 1 and her Daddy to share the experience together. The next day as we drug out her elk, the lump in my throat returned. How healthy would hubby be by the time kid 2 is ready to hunt? Will his health be good enough to still hunt then? He stumbles more and slips more and trips more, and I find it so surprising, because he's always been like a cat on his feet. But I SAVOR the memories and drink in the sights and sounds of him teaching the kids to build a fire in the snow to warm up (not the first time, and probably not the last) and joking around with the kids when we drag the elk out. A smile across his face warms my heart, but also makes me catch my breath. Yet, in all, I trust...I trust in God's plan for our lives.
Along came winter and we were able to get out on our snowmobiles. I had been working extra hard at the gym and was very pleased to be able to help load and unload sleds without pain. We have always worked well as a team when moving sleds around, but there were times I caught Hubby looking dazed, or trying to think things through. I am thankful that he has never "babied" me, and I can do what needs done. I've always been proud of him when we are out riding, but now I find myself watching him and worrying about some of his decisions, even when I know I shouldn't. I wonder how many more years he can drive before I will need to take his keys away. I bite my lip and double check everything on the trailer and all the hook ups and all the sled tie-downs and double check and triple check his work to make sure he hasn't forgotten something or missed something, and I hope he doesn't notice that I am doubting his ability to complete these tasks.
Christmas came, and time spent together with family. I found myself watching Hubby's sister a little too intently, as I was comparing the two. Since she has been diagnosed for a few years, she is steadily declining. He is developing certain very similar mannerisms...and each moment spent with her seems to confirm my suspicions about him. His movements have become herky-jerky, his walking gait is more stiff and halting, he seems to be more comfortable telling stories from "back in the day" - I don't know...there's just a LOT of small warning signs that I seem to roll into a big huge ball of suspicions and confirmations about our future together. And I continue to pray for strength and peace...strength and peace...strength and peace. God is here with us. I feel His presence all around us. and yet...at each twitch of Hubby's foot or jerking of his hands, the pit in my stomach returns.
I typically write a lengthy and newsy Christmas letter to about 75 people - good and awesome friends and family who live far away. We only keep in touch at Christmas. I tried to write a letter this year...I really did...but what would I say about our year? At the threat of being too honest, I didn't feel I could write a letter that would glorify my Maker, my Savior, my God. What would I say?? Gloss the year over and make everything sunshine and rainbows and we love God and everything is hunky dorey?? Or be honest and share my heartfelt thoughts, emotions, fears, failures and YES - triumphs that DO glorify God?? I just couldn't do it. I thought maybe at new year's I would write something about new life in Christ regardless of the darkness that we live in...but, I just couldn't. I guess I was in a bit of a funk and my depression was trying to return. I spent a lot of time asking God to fight off my depression, and a lot of time thanking Him for all His goodness. With HIS strength and peace...I made it through.
With winter deep upon us, I longed for a carefree day of snowmobiling, but financially, we are unable to make it past the gas pumps. His job pays much less than he has ever earned, and depending on the weather, some days they shut down so he doesn't get paid. I wonder how many more times we will be able to ride during our lives - before he is unable to ride...before he is unable to work! We have many unexpected bills. New tires for my car (I was driving on cables!), and wisdom teeth surgery for kid 1, extra dental bills for Hubby, glasses for kid 2, etc, etc, etc. but I try to refocus my worry into trust in the Lord...HE will provide. It might come in the form of tax returns and partial insurance, but HE will provide for us! I need to TRUST and NOT worry!! I finished reading the Psalms during this time...they really spoke to my heart! God timed my Bible reading, so I would (will) be at just the right verse on just the right day! Whether His word is convicting or comforting - it seems to always be exactly what I needed for that particular moment or struggle! Praise Him for His great wisdom and mercy and love and peace and strength! I don't know how people can get through the storms of life without a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
And...now it is already spring...still very snowy and cold here, but spring none-the-less. We are approaching Easter and celebrating new life in Christ! I find it hard to make it through a church service without tears squeezing out. I feel as though this time of year is the true celebration of a new year. Life is springing forth out from under the snow. Birds are beginning to chirp and scavenge the last of the crab apples off the tree, just in time for new blossoms and new life to appear. After a long dark cold winter, there is death, but it is followed by new warmth, and bright light, and LIFE! What a great reminder of our Salvation in Christ Jesus and the promise of eternal life, new, fresh, pure, perfect, eternal life free from pain and sorrow, forever to be with Him! I attempt to set my eyes on the prize each morning. I attempt to set my daily duties around serving my Lord. This body and this earth is such a fleeting, temporary home, and I am overjoyed as I think of the future. The REAL future. My eternal future. I can't wait to be in Heaven with Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit, and to have a healthy body, and for HUBBY to have a HEALTHY, perfect and whole body and mind and soul. No more sorrow, no more tears, only light and joy and love...oh what a great promise to look forward to! Praise the Lord!
Thank you all for being part of this journey with me!
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