Memorial Day 2020

We used to ALWAYS go camping, rain, sleet, hail or SNOW on Memorial Day weekend.  We called it memory-able weekend - always trying to build those family memories with the kiddos.

C-man bought himself a dirt bike earlier, and his friend bought one too.  They invited him camping and riding memorial day weekend. I was so incredibly grateful.  He had just finished his distance learning with school being closed for Covid and I was so happy he could go and cut loose with his friends and dirt bike. They would be sleeping in tents, but there was a wall tent and a camper along.  It was supposed to rain and snow most of the weekend.  But he could go...and be with good, manly, Christian men...who could be a good example to him...real dads...real men...instead of...the no-man, no example we have at home. I hope that does not sound like I am belittling Rob...I'm don't mean to...but Rob is gone...he's lost somewhere in the fog of his brain...and the shell of the person left behind is not him, and not a dad, and not an example.  So the bike got loaded and they asked C to go early and help set things up.  He came in the house, threw his camping stuff in his truck and left.  I was SO grateful and excited he could go. And I was SO VERY sad that it wasn't us going as a family. I'm so glad he can go be normal.  But we don't get normal anymore.  It should be us going as a normal family, with his dad and him bombing around on dirt bikes.  He drove away and I was so overwhelmed with mixed emotions I just sat in the kitchen and cried.  Ugly cried.  I'm so proud of him and the man he has become...so independent and on his own...but mourning for him and us...that he has to go do this with other families and not our own...and then so grateful and full of love for these families who welcome him as one of their own.  God bless them!  So off he went.  And had a (cold) Memorial Day camping and dirt biking trip.

And we were home.
And even though I should be getting used to that....it was still weird and sad and lonely and depressing. 
So...I HAD to get to the mountains.
And I loaded Rob in the car and off we went, up the mountain!

Here is my Facebook Post from that day.

We used to always go camping memorial day weekend, rain, snow, or (occasionally) sun. Took Rob on a scenic drive after dinner tonight it's another beautiful Mayvember day here in Montana.

Lots of deer, a coyote in bow range and some elk far away and some elk we could just about spit on.
I must still have a farmer gene, cuz I said, "it's alright mama cow, you're okay"

Rob was telling hunting and snowmobiling stories...we know just about every inch of this place. I'd have liked to have my sled.
I can't help but wonder how Cody is faring in a tent on a mountain right now...



We saw a LOT of elk and several cows up close.  They were singles, dropping and hiding their calves.  I felt a lot better...and I LOVE snow...but it made me want to go "REAL" snowmobiling for once again...and felt like that will never happen. But, Rob perked up and had a good time and became a chatty Kathy until we got back down to the highway.  Then he was slumped back over with his eyes closed again.  I still want to cry with both gratitude and sadness that we will never be able to be on a family dirt bike/atv camping trip again. 

May 21 Taking away his man card

Took Rob's man card away today...but at least he was willing and accepting of the situation.  Maybe he didn't fully understand what was happening.

Another step of our journey today.

I don't really want to call it a milestone, but I suppose it is marking another mile in our journey.

Rob's driver's license was expiring soon, so we needed to renew it. He has been driving since LONG before he had a license. When he was in 5th grade, his teacher called his dad and said, "do you know he's driving to school?!?!" and Rob Sr says, "well, yeah, how else is he supposed to get there?!"
🤣

On the first day of Driver's Ed, his driving partner wrecked the car coming out of the school parking lot! 🤔 When it was Rob's turn to drive, after a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "umm...you've driven a lot before, haven't you" After that, Rob never drove during driver's ed. He sat in the back while his driving partner got double time.

As a diesel mechanic for a trucking company, he often took trucks for drives up and down the road to help diagnose problems and see if they were repaired. He went ahead and got his CDL. For 27 years he drove big rigs, dump trucks, transfer trucks, side dumpers, tankers, septic pumpers, you name it. He had several endorsements.

But...4 years ago, the neurologist told him "no more driving."

Today we went in and downgraded his CDL all the way down to an ID card. He no longer has a Driver's License. What a weird stepping stone for him.

Rob has always taken "mug shot" photos for his license - and anything else - so his new photo cracks me up. The gentleman helping us today was VERY patient with all of Rob's involuntary movements, head tilt, closed eyes, moving his gum around in his mouth, and overloading the system by taking too many photo attempts, but he eventually decided this one would work! 🤣🤩

The gentleman hated dropping Rob all the way from a CDL/tanker/etc. to an ID. He kept saying how much he hated to do it. He even took a long pause before he punched holes in Rob's now expired CDL. The finality of it all was a visible weight on his shoulder as he took a deep breath, shook his head, and punched the license. Thank you, kind sir.

Rob said he liked driving dump trucks the best. Even the time he missed a Deacon's meeting because he got stuck behind THREE different cattle drives near Wilsall in a side-dumper. He hated to see his CDL and driver's license go. I encouraged him by saying at least he can still have a Real ID in case we ever fly anywhere (highly unlikely).

As soon as I mentioned flying, he mumbled something about Alaska. He LOVED our time up there. I STILL cannot thank everyone who made that trip so special for us. The anonymous donor who sent us on the trip. All my cousins & family who opened homes, fed us meals, gave us vehicles to drive so I didn't have to move the motorhome around, took us to church, and one of Rob's favorites - bush pilot flight with Bruce over Denali and back. Thank you!! And our friends Chuck and Amy- you MADE his trip with a bucket list day out of Whittier - glaciers, porpoises, otters, salmon...being attacked by seagulls 🤣 AND Chuck and Hunter helping him catch a salmon on a fly rod in the Kenai River. He still talks about it. That is a memory he won't lose easily. There are many others to thank as well. What a great trip that was.

Not sure I'll ever be able to get him back on a plane with all of his symptoms, but at least he now has a REAL ID if we want to try it.

It was a strange but still good day. God is good, all the time. So glad He is the one leading us on this journey and walking us through it step by step. To God be the glory.

Early May 2020

I haven't kept up, but now I think I need to post daily.  So, I'm cruising back through some facebook posts to try and summarize the past couple months.

May.

Took Rob for a scenic drive up Spanish Creek.  It is hard to believe he is paying attention, as he rides in the car slumped over with his eyes closed.  I keep pointing things out to him and trying to stimulate conversation and memories.  Even pointing out bison, he will sometimes look the wrong way.  But, he did get focused in and started chatting and looking at animals.  We saw a big herd of elk and I kept trying to help him find them in the binoculars, but he couldn't do it.  He would look the wrong direction, or too high, or too low. Sometimes he was pointed in the right direction, but he said he couldn't see them.  He kept saying his binoculars were broken, but I could see through them just fine.  He did pretty good for the most part.




In May, as Rob's cognition declined and dementia increased, I started having more anxiety and depression.  I know I need to care for myself as well. So, I determined I was going to get out in the mountains more and have some time to Be Still.  So, I did quite a few hikes.  It was great.  I need to do more!

I've also gotten more diligent about my morning devotions.
Timely devotions this morning
👉 God never changes.
👉 His word never changes.
👉 His plan is always in place.
💥 No matter what is going on in your world.

Rob is getting much more difficult to handle.  His conversations are increasingly just the same phrases all day long.  I keep trying to pull him out of the fog, but he can't see his way out.  It is exhausting.  I feel bad for saying so.  People tell me I am strong, but they don't hear me say "I KNOW you had Meals on Wheels today! I'm the one who ordered it for you!" after he has told me for the 30th time that he had MoW that day. 

I know God is in control and has a good and perfect plan.  But I often lose that in the moment when Rob has told me the same thing for the 40th time.  I'm working on getting Rob comfortable with the idea of having a caregiver come in a couple of times a week.  He had a #2 accident while I was at work...and struggled to clean everything up by himself.  When I got home...it wasn't clean.  I know everyone wants to help us...but who do I call and ask to go clean up a digestive issue?

Hang in there kids....this ride is getting more and more interesting as we go...