What I struggle to say

God has sure been speaking to me through the radio today.

First, Casting Crowns came on, with Praise Him in The Storm:

Then Kutless, and Even If

Then more songs, one after the next, about struggling through life and our acceptance of God's will and His great love for us through all things.

These are my true feelings...but I struggle to express them with my own words...

Here are the words I want to say:
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God
You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

====================================================
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again,
I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:] And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]
=======================================================

Yes, I will praise HIM.
In any storm... even if the healing doesn't come...

another good quote...

Today I will be a woman who holds tighter to Jesus when the world crashes in around me. My footing will remain on the solid Rock when my circumstances crumble beneath my feet. I'll keep my eyes on my Savior, not on the storm. And trust that His will and plans for me are good ... no matter the outcome. I can do this through the power of the Holy Spirit, who gives me the wisdom that Jesus is more than enough.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path!

“For You are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness.” II Samuel 22:29

dog tags

Many times as I begin a prayer in distress, I end praising the Lord for His goodness. 

His will is always good and perfect!!

 By accepting God’s will, and realizing that Hubby most likely will have Huntington’s Disease, I find myself doing silly little things…which, I guess, aren’t all that silly to me…

 The National Guard had a booth at the fair, and you could get a free dogtag printed up with anything you wanted.

The kids made great ones!

Punkin’s says: “Who needs boys, I can hunt by myself”

Da Boy’s has “Go Steelers” and “Golf is awesome”

I was going to do something cool or funny with my nickname…but then I felt a prick upon my heart…

I needed to do something special to keep forever, even if Hubby is sick and goes to be with our Lord in Heaven…then I can have this dogtag forever..for him...

Mine has

Our names

Our wedding date

Jer 29:11

From now on, I will always wear it close to my heart, no matter what the future holds…I am already cherishing it. 

Such a silly, simple little thing…but in 10 or 12 years, I might not think it’s so silly…

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer 29:11

In HIS Care!!

(From June 25)

God is so awesome and amazing!!!

I was deeply in prayer while driving my morning commute.  
I was anguishing and mourning over our situation.

Then God opened my eyes, that I would see HIM.

My phone camera doesn't do this justice...
but as I looked up, and saw the clouds and shadowy mountains, with streaks of sun shining through, I heard the Lord.

He was showing me.

Do not let your heart be troubled.
Do not fear.
For dear child, when the clouds of evil and suffering hover over you, and the mountains of trouble and trials rise up to loom over you, do not fear, do not be afraid, for you will still be within MY light, the light and love of Christ will shine down upon you and lift you up and strengthen you.
My plan is good and perfect, and I will see you through.
Look up!
Look UP!  For your redemption draws near!
I AM the light of the world who takes away the darkness.
Live within my light.
And the brightness of my light will always shine through the darkness.
Live in my blessings, for I LOVE You.
I give you my peace and my strength and you will live in my glorious light.

There was more praise and worship in my car than many churches!  It was filled with His presence, His peace, His strength and His love and mercy and grace and....PEACE. 

We will be fine.
We will be just fine.
No matter what struggles and trials this world may bring, God is on our side, and we do not stand alone, and if we live in Him and rely on Him - we will bring glory to HIS name throughout these hard times. 

I have never in my life envied a human being who lived an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well. ~ Theodore Roosevelt ~

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ~ James 1:2-5

And from Joni:

 Hi, I’m Joni Eareckson Tada. I was going through my art files and found a pencil drawing that an artist-friend rendered of me after my diving accident: it looks like a puzzle with “pieces of the puzzle” missing in my hair and my neck.
It’s a very true representation of what I was going through right after my diving accident. I was young and scared and just beginning to fit together the puzzle of my suffering by sorting through God's Word.
And what did I find out?
*Simply this: Wisdom is not the ability to figure out the puzzle pieces of your life and how they fit. Rather, wisdom is trusting God even when things don't fit; even when some pieces of your life-puzzle are missing.*
First Corinthians chapter 2 says, our faith doesn’t rest on our wisdom, but in the power of God to work gloriously in us. So trust in Him; rest in Him; because one day, Jesus will complete the puzzle.

Trouble in Paradise...

Trouble in Paradise…

Hubby had been on the new job for close to a month, and we all thought things were going well.  He was getting a lot of the work no one else wanted to do, but as low man on the totem pole, it is what we expected.  He has worked hard and enjoyed his new co-workers.  Then out of the blue, they began telling him he needed to work harder.  They met with him, told him he is working too slow and gave him 2 weeks to “turn it around” even though he is already working as fast as he can go.  He is pretty upset, as he has been giving over 100% and getting everything done.  In all of his entire life, no one has ever questioned his work ethic.  He does not feel he can make any kind of improvement to save his job, as he works extremely hard and even works through the breaks that the other guys take. 

This came as such a complete shock, especially to Hubby.  We thought we were following God’s leading to this job…but now he is under the microscope and every action he takes is scrutinized.  Even if he passes the 2 week check – he is only 5 weeks into his 6 month probationary period, and they can fire him at any time with no explanation. 

We stress, we pray, we stress, we agonize, we pray. I attempt not to worry…but it is difficult.  Neither of us sleep for about a week.  I can’t eat anything and start vomiting in the shower as I try to get ready each morning.  I think I have an ulcer.  I have a couple panic attacks.  And I pray.  And I PRAY.  And I give it ALL to God and leave it in HIS hands and ask that HIS will be done – not only in this but in ALL things.  I try to leave it at the foot of the cross, and the foot of His throne, without taking a piece of it back with me. 

The hardest part is watching Hubby.  He is stressed and obviously depressed.  He either stares at the wall or is curled up on the couch.  We both try to trust in God’s plan, but are confused and need some wisdom to know what to do.  We pray for God’s leading and presence and peace and joy.

I do not worry (at least I try not!)  I trust in Him.  But I hurt and mourn.  I believe this is a clear sign that Hubby is most definitely sick with Huntington’s.  His sister just recently went to court for a THIRD TIME to attempt to get disability benefits.  Several of us wrote letters outlining specific incidences of when we first noticed her symptoms and inability to work.  Now Hubby is having trouble at work for not being fast enough.  This was the complaint of his former employer as well.  So I wonder if I need to start documenting what I notice. 

I want to spend my time loving him…not analyzing every move he makes.  I want to live each day to its fullest – and not search for the worst situations and agonize over what I see.  But he is having trouble at work…and he does not understand why…for he is working as fast as he can…but I think about things he has done lately…and things that I have seen…and I think - no, I KNOW - his symptoms are affecting his work performance.  

So while I suppose my stress should have been concentrated on the potential that he would lose his job, I stress about the busy-ness of my life and that I need to research disability benefits and if we can cash in on life insurance and retirement accounts early to cover “the gap” between diagnosis and…ultimately…death.  I hate that word.  Praise the Lord that we do not need to die a permanent death, but death of the body is new life in Christ!!  Oh to see that glorious day!!  Oh, to see Hubby HEALTHY and without ailments!  Oh, curse you, sin and evil! 

If he loses his job, I will have to have “the talk” with him.  We always say that we don’t see a need for him to get tested, but…at what point will he notice his symptoms, and at what point will he determine the need to be tested?  He would HATE being on disability instead of working…but that might be sooner than I anticipated.  I was hoping for a good 5 years at this job first.  I wonder if I should get a letter from his previous employer detailing any decline they noticed in his mental abilities between when he started working for them and when he stopped – but I don’t want to go behind his back, or start spreading rumors that he is sick if, indeed, he is not sick and simply showing his age.  I mean, I have declined mental abilities compared to 20 years ago also!! 

Finally, with much prayer and acceptance of the Lord’s will, I decide I need to document the symptoms I have noted.

1)    Delayed reaction time.  The guy that used to get the hole shot at every motocross race, and was always quick on his feet, has a noticeable delay when reacting to different situations.  He thinks he is moving fast…he does not notice a delay...but it is noticeably slower than even 5 years ago.

2)    It takes him longer to think things through when solving problems.  Sometimes just deciding where to place the tie straps on the four wheelers and dirt bikes – which has always just been an automatic thing – takes him a while to figure out how he wants to do it.  He just has to think through things that were automatic before.  Sometimes I have to suggest a solution to a problem or just show him how it should be done…and he has always been the leader of our home – not me.  I noticed when we were hunting last fall, that he didn’t make a lot of decisions on his own, but based them off of me.  He made some poor decisions, or didn’t make his own decisions.  The bull he shot, he shot because I told him that I couldn’t get a clear shot and he should shoot it….however…if he wanted to pass the bull up, he could have…but he shot it because I said to.

3)    He is much more forgetful.  Granted, I am way more forgetful than I used to be too, but…he seems to be much more forgetful than he ever was before.  He forgets things as soon as I tell them to him.

4)    He seems to have a hard time keeping things straight, so he repeats his instructions to himself.  “I need to do this and that” and “On Tuesday, I need to do that.” Once I gave him a piece of insurance paperwork that we had been waiting on for a month, and told him that he HAD to bring it to work and turn it in, and the next day he asked “is this the piece of paper I need to bring to work?” Sometimes I have to explain things to him like I would give instructions to a kid.  When we were hunting in the elkhorns, he got his internal map mixed up.  He is the kind of outdoorsman you could drop out of a helicopter, and he would walk out within 20 feet of where he wanted to go.  There were a couple times he was 100% sure he was walking towards the four wheeler, or that we could get to the four wheeler by looping around, but I had to keep reminding him which direction the wheeler was.  It really scared me that I had to redirect him several times.  He has NEVER needed help.  He is usually more accurate than a GPS system.

5)    He repeats himself a lot more than he used to.  Sometimes he reminds me of someone in the early stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia.  He will tell a story about someone at work and then 20 minutes later say, “Did I tell you about the guy at work with the snake?”

6)      He can be more depressed.  Granted, he has a lot of stress and anxiety right now, but he quite often looks and acts depressed.

7)    He is very tired and sleepy.  He has always needed his sleep, and he IS working 10 hour days, but he is very sleepy and tired all the time.  He spends a lot more time on the couch than he ever did.

8)    Anger Outbursts.  We know him as Mr. Flatliner.  He generally does not express a lot of emotion.  But he has had a couple of temper tantrums lately over small things…like…water bottles in the fridge.  Because we are used to his calm, peaceful demeanor, we all freak out when he gets mad and angry. 

9)    He has very noticeable fidgeting with his hands and feet.  He twitches a lot.  I sometimes find it difficult (mentally) to hold his hand, because I can feel his fingers twitching constantly.  His feet can’t stay still.  Not while sitting on the couch in the evenings, not while sitting in church on Sunday mornings…he cannot sit still!  He also jerks his arms more…often when he is purposefully moving his arm from one place to the other, then it jerks really hard and fast instead of moving slowly. 

10) Walking…his gait is changing, and he is more clumsy.  He has always had cat like reflexes and been really quick on his feet, but last fall when we were hunting, I noticed that he tripped a lot more and was clumsy on his feet.  He had noticeable more problems with logs, roots, plants, rocks, etc. to the point where it scared me.  When he walks, he is more stiff legged and sometimes a little jerky.

11) He is becoming (on occasion) a little more socially awkward.  Sometimes he struggles to have a conversation without chuckling when he shouldn’t. When talking to people, he looks at me instead of looking at the other person as if he is unsure of himself or needs me to complete his sentences for him.  He rocks back and forth when talking to people.  He sometimes changes the subject of the conversation out of the blue.  

12) He has started telling a lot of stories from the old days – which is fine – but it reminds me of someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s.  They tend to talk about the things they can remember correctly….and sometimes he does too.  He has a harder time remembering what happened last week at work, but tells stories over and over about 20 years ago.  We all love to share our old remembrances, but sometimes it makes me worry when he goes into great detail and tells stories from “back in the day” instead of having a conversation about what is going on right now.

Maybe these aren’t symptoms of Huntington’s Disease…maybe he is simply getting older…goodness knows my brain isn’t as good as it used to be…but maybe I’m not the only one seeing the problem and that is why he is having a hard time at work and they think he is too slow. 

I really hoped he would be able to stay on at his new job for at least 5 years, but we haven’t made it 5 weeks.

I know without a doubt that God will care for us and provide us with all of our needs….and I do completely trust him in this…but I struggle sometimes because I want to know HOW.  How will I make house payments or buy groceries?

He will not want to go on disability.  He will not want stay at home when he really is capable of still working – he is just working much slower, and his thought processes take longer.  But if he can’t keep a job because he is too slow…well…

I guess we’ll see what they tell him at his meeting.

If he gets laid off, I will need to get him somewhere in the mountains, away from the kids, and ask him if he has noticed any symptoms and wants to get tested and file for disability.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  Jer 17:7-8

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Prov. 3:5-6

We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?  Psalm 56:3-4

The Gap...and coveting

The Gap - And Coveting...

It seems like several people we know are selling and moving, and they are “upgrading” their homes, or moving to a home much closer to our school.  This makes me a bit covetous, jealous, envious, desirous, and a little greedy.  I sure would like to upgrade out of our house!  I would LOVE to live close enough to school and church that the kids could walk home and attending sporting events or church functions wouldn’t be such a drain on our time and resources!  Plus, it would provide the kids with more HOURS to do homework each day.  When talking with my friends, they say, “oh, there’s lots of homes for sale up here right now” and “so and so’s place is for sale!” 

It is hard to explain why we hesitate to move and extend our mortgage.  Although my closest friends understand.  This would simply be an extremely poor choice to make with an unknown future.  We will be done paying on our current mortgage in 10-12 years.  I am hoping Hubby can work that long or come close to it, although I am doubtful at times that he will be able to work half that long.  

Sure, we have life insurance that can cover the mortgage…but I wonder about the “gap.”  There is a gap that exists between being unable to work due to his illness, and when I  will be able to collect life insurance.  During that gap, there will be limited income, and increased medical expenses.  

It is the gap that always concerns me – mainly because of the mortgage.  I do not want to lose the house.  Without his income – it will not get paid.  Therefore, it would be foolish to add years onto our mortgage…and therefore, I must be content with what I have and not long after what others have.  So I must always consider - IF he gets sick...we would not be able to afford our current home, much less a new one.  Besides it being foolish, it is sinful to desire for more than what I am already blessed with!

Granted, I trust that the Lord will provide for our every need.  I also know we have retirement accounts that we might be able to cash in and disability should be available.  But I also want to be wise with our resources, and moving does not seem a wise decision.  I must fight the urge to feed my jealousy.  I stop looking at houses that are for sale.  I thank God for the home He has provided for us. 

Since Hubby spent a portion of his childhood living in a 12x14 shack cabled down to the mountain to keep it from blowing over – he thinks our little 1100 square foot house is a mansion.  

I am very grateful to my Lord and Savior for providing us with a warm and safe home.  How sinful it is to complain and covet more?  What a shameful, worldly, heathen!  We have been extremely blessed.     

Exodus 20:17

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Deuteronomy 5:21

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor’s house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Philippians 4:11-12

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Hebrews 13:5

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Trusting HIS Leading…We will follow HIM

Trusting HIS Leading…We will follow HIM

Back in May, Hubby had a couple of rough days at work.  His boss even sent him home one afternoon.  On a whim (led by the Spirit!), Hubby called one of his former employees who now works at the county to see if there were any openings down there.  Timing was impeccable!  They had a position open, and his friend (and former employee) would be the supervisor for this new position.  We prayed and pondered if this was the right thing to do.  It appeared as though God was providing a clear path to this new position, and we had an overwhelming peace and excitement for a potential change.

The new job would provide Hubby with better benefits, health, dental, vision, life, retirement, 3 weeks of vacation, paid holidays and even sick leave!  In 25 years of working, he has never had paid holidays or sick leave.  When he takes Christmas Day off (shop is closed anyway), then it is a day without pay.  If he has the flu and can’t get out of bed, then it is a day without pay.  Whenever the kids and I have a holiday, he goes to work.  We were super excited that we would be able to spend more time together as a family.  Additionally, the crew works 4-10s in the summer, so he would have 3 day weekends all summer long.  I have a flexible enough schedule, that this would mean we could do a lot of camping and family activities together!  Why, we could even take a family vacation?!?!  The 4 work days are long and hard – but the 3 days off make it worth it.

I feel that it is extremely important that we have the family time together now while we still can.  Hubby emphasizes the need for family time as well, but doesn’t say the last half of that sentence.  We truly felt this job was a blessing from God.  The health benefits were also a great draw.  While we trust fully in the Lord to provide for all of our needs, sometimes, He does so with insurance.  It was sad to see that the Hubby was most excited about receiving life insurance.  He didn’t say much about it, but he mentioned the life insurance several times.  

We prayed that God’s will would be done – if he didn’t get the new job – then it wasn’t God’s will, and if he did get the new job, then it would be a huge blessing from the Lord. 

He got the interview….he got the job…we were greatly relieved. 

We trusted the Lord, and followed His leading, and are excited to see just how HIS plan and HIS will for our lives plays out.

He started his new job mid-May.  As awful as it sounds…I was/am hoping he can work for at least 5 years at this job...but he is struggling...things are not going well...and I wonder if the symptoms I see at home are affecting his work...

Here are a few verses that have (and continue to) help us remember to TRUST in HIM and rely fully upon Him.  We do fully trust Him with our future – HIS plans are always good and perfect.  Even when we might not understand the WHY of the whole matter. 

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  Jer 17:7-8

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Prov. 3:5-6

We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?  Psalm 56:3-4

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in men.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.  Psalm 118:8-9

It is God who works in you to will and to act according to HIS good purpose.  Phil 2:13

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.  Psalm 20:7-8

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.  Isaiah 25:1

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him.  Psalm 32:10

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalm 138:8

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.  Psalm 9:10

The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.  Psalm 33:11

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, The LORD is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.  Isaiah 12:2

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done.  The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.  Psalm 40:5

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the LORD is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:4

I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.  I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come.  I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.  From the east I summon a bird of prey; from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.  What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.  Isaiah 46-9-11

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  Jer 17:7-8