Trouble in Paradise...

Trouble in Paradise…

Hubby had been on the new job for close to a month, and we all thought things were going well.  He was getting a lot of the work no one else wanted to do, but as low man on the totem pole, it is what we expected.  He has worked hard and enjoyed his new co-workers.  Then out of the blue, they began telling him he needed to work harder.  They met with him, told him he is working too slow and gave him 2 weeks to “turn it around” even though he is already working as fast as he can go.  He is pretty upset, as he has been giving over 100% and getting everything done.  In all of his entire life, no one has ever questioned his work ethic.  He does not feel he can make any kind of improvement to save his job, as he works extremely hard and even works through the breaks that the other guys take. 

This came as such a complete shock, especially to Hubby.  We thought we were following God’s leading to this job…but now he is under the microscope and every action he takes is scrutinized.  Even if he passes the 2 week check – he is only 5 weeks into his 6 month probationary period, and they can fire him at any time with no explanation. 

We stress, we pray, we stress, we agonize, we pray. I attempt not to worry…but it is difficult.  Neither of us sleep for about a week.  I can’t eat anything and start vomiting in the shower as I try to get ready each morning.  I think I have an ulcer.  I have a couple panic attacks.  And I pray.  And I PRAY.  And I give it ALL to God and leave it in HIS hands and ask that HIS will be done – not only in this but in ALL things.  I try to leave it at the foot of the cross, and the foot of His throne, without taking a piece of it back with me. 

The hardest part is watching Hubby.  He is stressed and obviously depressed.  He either stares at the wall or is curled up on the couch.  We both try to trust in God’s plan, but are confused and need some wisdom to know what to do.  We pray for God’s leading and presence and peace and joy.

I do not worry (at least I try not!)  I trust in Him.  But I hurt and mourn.  I believe this is a clear sign that Hubby is most definitely sick with Huntington’s.  His sister just recently went to court for a THIRD TIME to attempt to get disability benefits.  Several of us wrote letters outlining specific incidences of when we first noticed her symptoms and inability to work.  Now Hubby is having trouble at work for not being fast enough.  This was the complaint of his former employer as well.  So I wonder if I need to start documenting what I notice. 

I want to spend my time loving him…not analyzing every move he makes.  I want to live each day to its fullest – and not search for the worst situations and agonize over what I see.  But he is having trouble at work…and he does not understand why…for he is working as fast as he can…but I think about things he has done lately…and things that I have seen…and I think - no, I KNOW - his symptoms are affecting his work performance.  

So while I suppose my stress should have been concentrated on the potential that he would lose his job, I stress about the busy-ness of my life and that I need to research disability benefits and if we can cash in on life insurance and retirement accounts early to cover “the gap” between diagnosis and…ultimately…death.  I hate that word.  Praise the Lord that we do not need to die a permanent death, but death of the body is new life in Christ!!  Oh to see that glorious day!!  Oh, to see Hubby HEALTHY and without ailments!  Oh, curse you, sin and evil! 

If he loses his job, I will have to have “the talk” with him.  We always say that we don’t see a need for him to get tested, but…at what point will he notice his symptoms, and at what point will he determine the need to be tested?  He would HATE being on disability instead of working…but that might be sooner than I anticipated.  I was hoping for a good 5 years at this job first.  I wonder if I should get a letter from his previous employer detailing any decline they noticed in his mental abilities between when he started working for them and when he stopped – but I don’t want to go behind his back, or start spreading rumors that he is sick if, indeed, he is not sick and simply showing his age.  I mean, I have declined mental abilities compared to 20 years ago also!! 

Finally, with much prayer and acceptance of the Lord’s will, I decide I need to document the symptoms I have noted.

1)    Delayed reaction time.  The guy that used to get the hole shot at every motocross race, and was always quick on his feet, has a noticeable delay when reacting to different situations.  He thinks he is moving fast…he does not notice a delay...but it is noticeably slower than even 5 years ago.

2)    It takes him longer to think things through when solving problems.  Sometimes just deciding where to place the tie straps on the four wheelers and dirt bikes – which has always just been an automatic thing – takes him a while to figure out how he wants to do it.  He just has to think through things that were automatic before.  Sometimes I have to suggest a solution to a problem or just show him how it should be done…and he has always been the leader of our home – not me.  I noticed when we were hunting last fall, that he didn’t make a lot of decisions on his own, but based them off of me.  He made some poor decisions, or didn’t make his own decisions.  The bull he shot, he shot because I told him that I couldn’t get a clear shot and he should shoot it….however…if he wanted to pass the bull up, he could have…but he shot it because I said to.

3)    He is much more forgetful.  Granted, I am way more forgetful than I used to be too, but…he seems to be much more forgetful than he ever was before.  He forgets things as soon as I tell them to him.

4)    He seems to have a hard time keeping things straight, so he repeats his instructions to himself.  “I need to do this and that” and “On Tuesday, I need to do that.” Once I gave him a piece of insurance paperwork that we had been waiting on for a month, and told him that he HAD to bring it to work and turn it in, and the next day he asked “is this the piece of paper I need to bring to work?” Sometimes I have to explain things to him like I would give instructions to a kid.  When we were hunting in the elkhorns, he got his internal map mixed up.  He is the kind of outdoorsman you could drop out of a helicopter, and he would walk out within 20 feet of where he wanted to go.  There were a couple times he was 100% sure he was walking towards the four wheeler, or that we could get to the four wheeler by looping around, but I had to keep reminding him which direction the wheeler was.  It really scared me that I had to redirect him several times.  He has NEVER needed help.  He is usually more accurate than a GPS system.

5)    He repeats himself a lot more than he used to.  Sometimes he reminds me of someone in the early stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia.  He will tell a story about someone at work and then 20 minutes later say, “Did I tell you about the guy at work with the snake?”

6)      He can be more depressed.  Granted, he has a lot of stress and anxiety right now, but he quite often looks and acts depressed.

7)    He is very tired and sleepy.  He has always needed his sleep, and he IS working 10 hour days, but he is very sleepy and tired all the time.  He spends a lot more time on the couch than he ever did.

8)    Anger Outbursts.  We know him as Mr. Flatliner.  He generally does not express a lot of emotion.  But he has had a couple of temper tantrums lately over small things…like…water bottles in the fridge.  Because we are used to his calm, peaceful demeanor, we all freak out when he gets mad and angry. 

9)    He has very noticeable fidgeting with his hands and feet.  He twitches a lot.  I sometimes find it difficult (mentally) to hold his hand, because I can feel his fingers twitching constantly.  His feet can’t stay still.  Not while sitting on the couch in the evenings, not while sitting in church on Sunday mornings…he cannot sit still!  He also jerks his arms more…often when he is purposefully moving his arm from one place to the other, then it jerks really hard and fast instead of moving slowly. 

10) Walking…his gait is changing, and he is more clumsy.  He has always had cat like reflexes and been really quick on his feet, but last fall when we were hunting, I noticed that he tripped a lot more and was clumsy on his feet.  He had noticeable more problems with logs, roots, plants, rocks, etc. to the point where it scared me.  When he walks, he is more stiff legged and sometimes a little jerky.

11) He is becoming (on occasion) a little more socially awkward.  Sometimes he struggles to have a conversation without chuckling when he shouldn’t. When talking to people, he looks at me instead of looking at the other person as if he is unsure of himself or needs me to complete his sentences for him.  He rocks back and forth when talking to people.  He sometimes changes the subject of the conversation out of the blue.  

12) He has started telling a lot of stories from the old days – which is fine – but it reminds me of someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s.  They tend to talk about the things they can remember correctly….and sometimes he does too.  He has a harder time remembering what happened last week at work, but tells stories over and over about 20 years ago.  We all love to share our old remembrances, but sometimes it makes me worry when he goes into great detail and tells stories from “back in the day” instead of having a conversation about what is going on right now.

Maybe these aren’t symptoms of Huntington’s Disease…maybe he is simply getting older…goodness knows my brain isn’t as good as it used to be…but maybe I’m not the only one seeing the problem and that is why he is having a hard time at work and they think he is too slow. 

I really hoped he would be able to stay on at his new job for at least 5 years, but we haven’t made it 5 weeks.

I know without a doubt that God will care for us and provide us with all of our needs….and I do completely trust him in this…but I struggle sometimes because I want to know HOW.  How will I make house payments or buy groceries?

He will not want to go on disability.  He will not want stay at home when he really is capable of still working – he is just working much slower, and his thought processes take longer.  But if he can’t keep a job because he is too slow…well…

I guess we’ll see what they tell him at his meeting.

If he gets laid off, I will need to get him somewhere in the mountains, away from the kids, and ask him if he has noticed any symptoms and wants to get tested and file for disability.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  Jer 17:7-8

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Prov. 3:5-6

We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?  Psalm 56:3-4