September (2017)

September. 

Rob taught me to love September.

Although it was easy to fall in love with the month of clear, crisp blue skies and quivering, quaking aspens waving their friendly golden leaves in a rustling whisper. A month of high mountain country full of nothing but an echoing bugle or soft cow's mew to her calf. A bounding mule deer in velvet disappearing over the ridge at dark. A sky so full of shooting stars and the milky way, that you can clearly walk across a meadow before daybreak. A month of following him, my Rob, around in the woods, meadows, mountain cliffs and scree fields, until he would always, ALWAYS, without fail, send me forward as point after a bull, while he dropped back to call. A month where we could have an entire conversation with just a glance or wink or nod. Where we could break out in whispered church-quiet giggle fits until tears rolled. And years of September months where he consoled my disappointed spirit until I (finally) got that first archery bull. He was so proud. 

September was always a month for creating new memories and reliving the old ones around a fire, in a tent, on a mountain side or in the cab of a truck. For standing on a rocky outcropping at 10,000 feet with the forests and meadows spread out before us, the wind and sun on our face. Or hiking miles in snow so wet that everything on your bow freezes up and you try to stay warm by shoving hand warmers in every pocket....but the elk are bulging and you can't force yourself to hike back to the truck/camp/four wheeler.

By this time of September, he would most likely have an elk on the ground or else have passed on 10 of them to try and get me a chance instead. 

Tonight, I find myself learning a new September. 
Partly because we are in that stage of life, where kids have part time jobs and sports activities and school functions...

But also because he is in the September of his life. 

So instead of leaving my folks in charge of the kids for a week and heading to the hills with my Rob and "the boys", I find myself in the spider infested land known as our crawlspace, while he sits patiently on the floor of our closet giving me instructions through a hole in the floor. 

He is man enough to ask me to help, or to do what he considers to be "his job" as the husband and provider. He can man up to admit that he should not..and cannot...physically crawl under the house...while also recognizing the need to continue to take care of us and provide for us-by teaching me to do it on my own. 

So I can man up and crawl down there (fully clothed and with my hair shoved in a stocking hat to keep the spiders out).
And I can turn off the water to the sprinklers and drain the pipe so he can try to blow them out tomorrow. I can duck walk over to the far wall and take pictures of some wet wood that concerns me. And...I can even pack out my fresh kills...got a double, boys! (No elk or deer, just a couple mice trying to make a winter home.)  All while Rob waits anxiously at the hole into the crawlspace...hovering, rocking back and forth and rubbing his head because he wants to help and make sure I'm okay.
And...I am. 
With our God at our side, I am.

Of course, I'd rather be on a mountain with my Rob of yester-years and our Septembers, but this is where God has placed us. And this new September will be okay. 

(Even tho, I would honestly rather spook another griz off an elk carcass than deal with the creepy crawlies down in spiderland.)

Wow, everyone...so humbling to read these comments. 

But the glory all goes to God...it is HIS strength covering our weaknesses. 

We love you all. Thanks for being a part of our journey. <3 

Also - I would like to correct my statement that God is beside me/beside us. That isn't exactly correct - because HE goes before us - like the good Shepherd that He is. He leads us, He guides us, and He makes our paths straight. Either way, He is close to us, but I don't want to demote Him to Co-pilot when He is actually the captain of the ship!

#Run4Rob (August 2017)

#Run4Rob  #Run4Him  #Runforthosewhocan’t

Shortly after Rob was diagnosed (Jan 2016), I decided I needed to be stronger so I can take care of him. 

Plus, Rob will never run again, but God gave me the gift and the ability to run, so therefore, I should run. 

I used to run - in a different lifetime ago… but, I battled 6 months of bronchitis/walking pneumonia in 2015, and still had some lung issues that were slowing me down…and I really felt the need to get my lungs back in shape.

I thought it was absolutely ridiculous that I couldn’t run 3 miles without stopping to catch my breath (or cough for 10 minutes).  So, I set a goal to be able to run 3 miles without stopping.  It was slow going, getting in shape, because my lungs protested.  Every time I was around anyone who coughed, I would instantly feel my lungs tighten up and a cough would settle in to my chest.  It was a long, slow, haul, healing those lungs back up.  But, I signed up for a 5k in early June 2016, with the goal of running the entire length without stopping.  I mostly made it…there was one hill that gave me some trouble, but I did it, and I ran it much faster than my time goal.

Then what?  I didn’t have a goal anymore, and it was hot out, so I didn’t always like to run during my lunchtime workouts.  I started slacking off…and I didn’t want that.  So I signed up for a 4-mile night run the end of the summer.  I had to stay in shape enough to at least finish a 4 mile run.  I am not a fast runner.  But I can fight my way through and get to the finish line.  It takes me at least a mile to get warmed up and into a rhythm.  But…I managed to run the 4 miles.   My goal was to run it in 46 minutes (12 min/mile – slow, but I’m old and “broken”).  I was able to cross the finish line in 41 minutes!

Well…I no longer had a goal to work for.  So I wanted to end the winter in the same running shape as I entered winter…so I tried to incorporate running at least once per week to my workout routine.  It was fairly hard in the winter.  But I needed to be able to run 3-4 miles by spring, so I could then build upon that.  To force myself to work hard on my winter running, I made set 2 crazy goals.

 

Goal 1) turn my June run into a 10 k – I mean – I know I can run 4, right, so I just need to add another 2 and keep going.

Goal 2) I signed up for a 23 k (15 miles) trail race in the mountains.  Surely, I could do it.  I usually walk 3.5-4 miles per hour, so I thought I should be able to cross the finish line in 5 hours at the worst.  Yup.  I’m nuts.

I’m insane…BUT, it forced me to do much more running over the winter and early spring than normal, and roll into spring in relatively decent running shape.   There were a lot of days I didn’t want to run, but I knew I SHOULD run, because I CAN run…I needed to Run for Rob. 

Let me reiterate…I am not a good runner.  I am slow.  I am old.  I have many broken joints, ligaments, tendons, etc. But, I can honor God and my husband by just going out and doing it.  I put in my headphones with either praise and worship music or one of my favorite sermon series (Confessions of a Happy Sheep, Philip DeCourcy, Know the Truth Radio - https://www.ktt.org/broadcasts/confessions-happy-sheep) and just listen and pray.  I don’t think about the running.  After the first, painful mile, I finally get in a “zone” (slow zone, but zone), and plod along without thinking.  My brain is focused on the Word and the One who made me.  It’s a chance to “be still” and focus on God (even though I am moving along, “picking them up and putting them down” as Rob would say). 

Goal 1 - June 2017 rolled around, and I ran my first 10k.  I didn’t do as good as I wanted.  It was hot out.  I was dehydrated.  The sweeper kept talking to me, and I was like, dude, I’m trying to breathe, here!  But I did it – a little slower than I wanted, but I did it.  Then I went home, loaded the wheelers and took everyone riding, which was fine until I got a migraine waaaay up the mountain.  We had planned to swing through Helena for a cousin’s graduation party, but the migraine won.  It was interesting, but with meds, I got back to the truck and everyone home.  As usual, bit off more than I could chew.

Goal 2 - August 2017:   my goal for the race changed a little, as I spent most of July in Alaska.  I would be happy finishing the race, 5 hours would be great, but…I wasn’t sure I could do it or not.  I did manage to get up and run (with bear spray) a few mornings, but I fully expected to do a substantial amount of walking on my race.  We arrived home from Alaska 2 days before the race.  I went to work for 1 day, ended up working late trying to catch up, came home, and headed out with the truck to spend the night in the mountains so I didn’t have to get up super early the morning of the race.  Unfortunately, on a mountain pass, the truck started shaking and wobbling and I knew I had tire trouble.  I checked the tires several times, and they all looked okay, but the wobble would start as soon as I drove down the road.  It was getting pretty late and the wind was blowing hard, so I didn’t want to drive too far out into the boonies and blow a tire.  So I rolled off the mountain pass and into the nearest town. Of course, everything was closed, so…I didn’t have anyone to help me.  I knew a few people in town and tried to contact them, but no luck.  So, I decided to drive all the way back home going 35 mph on the backroads so I didn’t blow a tire on the interstate or mountain pass.  I got home very very late, crawled in bed, got up very VERY early the next morning and took my car up into the Elkhorn mountains to run the HURL Elkhorn 23k (15 mile) race.

I was far too tired, and not hydrated enough at the beginning, but I popped in my headphones to zone out and just started putting one foot in front of the other.  The first few miles were pretty easy.  And then….the hills.  The course includes over 3,280 feet of elevation gain.  There’s a lot of downhill, too.  I kept thinking, “I hope I don’t have to run over that mountain ahead of me”, only to find out that I did.  But, it was in some absolutely stunning and gorgeous country!  I wished Rob could see it, and was sad that he never will, because it is a non-motorized trail and he is unable to get that far back in the mountains.  So I did stop to take a few pictures here and there along the way to show him.  I was not keeping on pace as well as I had hoped, because the hills were steeper and there was more scree fields than I had anticipated.  At one point, I just wanted to stay in front of “the laughers” – a group of ladies happily laughing and chatting along the way.  I mean – really?  But I needed more food, but couldn’t really eat while I was running.  I was able to get a gel pack in, so that was good.  Then down into the valley and back up the mountain on the other side. 

Every time I thought it was getting tough, I remembered it wasn’t as hard as anything Rob is going through as his body slowly shuts down.  The laughers eventually caught up with me when I stopped to take some pictures for Rob, and I made the mistake of pacing with them for the next 3-4 miles.  I should have stuck with my own pace and pushed a little harder.  I thought my time was still on target, but when my phone said I was 12 miles in, I still had more than 3 miles to the finish.  When I got to the second aid station, I didn’t take any food or water, because I was still sucking off my camel back, and the fruit looked a little marginal from sitting out all day…  Another ½ mile or so down the trail and my camelback was dry.  Great.  I was desperate for some food and water, but just couldn’t stop to deal with it, so I kept plodding on. You learn all kinds of new things when you try your first long distance mountain trail race.   I could hardly pick up my feet, but could hear shouting in the distance from the finish line, so I managed to break into a decent pace.  I finished in 5:17 – so 17 minutes over my goal time.  Shucks.  BUT – I finished!!! Praise the Lord!

I’m insane to even sign up for it, but I feel like I need to continue “running for Rob.”  It was beautiful, horrible, terrible and amazing. 

So…what’s up for 2018?

Well, I’m trying to continue running a little.

I’ll run both the 10k and the 23k again this year, barring any injuries.  I hope I can finish the 23k in under 5 hours.  I’m scared to set a goal of 4 ½ hours, but I think that’s what I am aiming for – as long as I can keep my food and water intake up a little better this year, I should be able to do it.  After all, I need to #Run4Rob, #Run4Him and #Runforthosewhocant.

The Gift (March 2017)

The Gift

Way back in the day, Rob and I had a difficult time picking a honeymoon location.  We had 3 destinations in mind – Alaska, Australia/New Zealand, and Hawaii.  After some consideration, we ruled out heading down under, as it would just be far too expensive to fly there.  That left us to decide between Alaska and Hawaii.  Alaska was so “us.”  We could hunt, we could fish, we could be in the mountains, we could camp, and we could just be….”us.”  So we expected that we would be headed there for a vacation fairly soon anyway.  After weeks of deliberation, we finally decided that Hawaii was more of a once in a lifetime destination.  We could go, see it, and then come home. 

Hawaii was great…we were a couple of rednecks turned loose on the small island of Kauaii – it was pretty much just us and the locals!  It was GREAT!  But after a couple of days, we were ready to be home and in the mountains.  In fact, as we made the long drive back from Washington in old blue (Rob’s ’78 Chevy truck loaded down with wedding stuff), and we topped the rise at Cardwell Hill and got our first glimpse of the Bridgers, I started to cry.  I was home. 

I had miraculously drawn a moose tag my first try, so that fall we headed to the mountains for a week in a USFS cabin…which cost us $25/night and some gas for the ATV.  And that seemed much more like our REAL honeymoon.  Because it was so us. 

I have never regretted going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, because it was special.  We got to do things we would never have an opportunity to try again, like boogie boarding in the waves, snorkeling along the NaPali coastline, a helicopter ride over the ocean…it really was a good choice.

However, we always planned on going to Alaska “in a year or two.”  One year became two, two became five, five became ten…and slowly, we gave up on that dream.  Children came along with more responsibility.  Job changes.  Income changes.  The thought of going just seemed unattainable.  Most of our “vacation” time was spent in September bow hunting camps or summer camping trips with the family, or family weekend adventures in the mountains throughout the year.  For a while, we aimed to go moose hunting in Alaska for our 10 year anniversary, but that came and went and we pushed it to our 20^th anniversary.  But even before our 10^th anniversary, we kind of gave up on the dream of heading to Alaska.  It just wasn’t going to happen.  Time to face reality and move on with life. In fact, I have not seriously considered a trip to Alaska in about 12-13 years.

Now here we are, living with a terminal illness, and stretched finances.  The Lord has continuously provided for all of our needs throughout this time.  Cards came in the mail with cash in them.  The deacons at church check with us every month to see if we are short.  My parents chipped in for some house payments.  There have been individuals who shake our hand at church and slip a $10, $20, or even $100 bill into the handshake.  Cards appeared at Christmas with anything from grocery store gift cards to some large checks.  People have “anonymously” covered my kids’ school lunch accounts. We were surprised to have an athletic pass donated to us, so we can attend the home games and support our pep band-er and school teams without having to pay at the door each time. God perfectly timed last January – Rob was fired the 6^th – so he could collect unemployment.  We received a diagnosis on the 13^th, so we could start applying for disability.  His unemployment ran out, and we had a couple of thin months…then his disability came through on the first try, and was retroactive back to almost the exact day his unemployment ran out!  Prior to receiving disability, we were concerned about making our mortgage payments.  Unemployment did not pay as much as his salary had been, and we knew how long the process of disability takes, but we didn’t want to lose the house.  Rob had an old retirement account, and he says, “well, I’ll never get to use that, I’ll be gone long before I qualify for retirement” so we debated about using it to pay off the house.  We pulled out his latest retirement account statement and then I looked up the payoff balance on our mortgage…and they were the same…almost down to the exact penny.  Do you have chills yet?  How merciful and gracious is our Father who lavishes every good and perfect gift upon us!  We placed our trust in Him…and He has continually provided.

We have a few items on Rob’s bucket list – but not many.  Nothing too extravagant, but we are trying to take a few more trips.  Last fall we headed to Glendive for a weekend to visit the Creation dinosaur museum and Makoshika State Park where we found some cool fossils.  We would like to head to the big Creation Museum and Noah’s Ark out east “sometime.”  This past February, we visited Rob’s brother in Denver for a long weekend.

When we came home from Denver and went to church the following Sunday, I saw a suspicious package in our mailbox.  I recognized the handwriting, but wasn’t sure what I would find inside.  We piled in the car and I reached inside and pulled out a small candy heart box. “Oh, isn’t that sweet?!”  Then I noticed it had been opened and re-taped shut.  Hmmm…I know we are Dutch out here, but this box only holds 5 candies to begin with…so I open it and it has 4 or 5 taffies inside.  Then a piece of paper fell out of the lid that I didn’t recognize immediately as a check.  I looked, “Oh, it’s a check, how sweet!”  Now…let me explain something.  The check was folded in a special way.  So it looked like it was written for one, normal amount. 

But then I opened it.

And I almost dropped it.

Behind the “normal” amount, was written the word “thousand.”

Wait….

What?

My jaw sat in my lap and I literally gasped for air…

WHAT???!!!

I cannot accept this check!!

Rob, the kids and I were all speechless…

This.

Is.

Ridiculous!

I take a few deep breaths to calm my shaking hands and back the car out of the parking spot and drive home.

I immediately call my anonymous friend, “what did you do?!”

He laughs.

“No, I can’t accept this! This is too much!”

He chuckles.

“What’s going on?!”

“Well, now, sometimes your ship comes in and the Lord just wants you to share it.  But this comes with a stipulation.  You have to use this money to take a family vacation somewhere that Rob has always wanted to go. Can you do that?”

And the phone is silent because I am speechless again.

I stammer, “um, yeah, ya, I can do that, I mean, we can do that.”

At this point, I am still thinking I need to be responsible and Dutch and use the money sparingly, to pay off our home or something along those lines.  Right until he says, “so, where you going to go?”

More stammering and stuttering….

“well, I mean, we’ve always wanted to go to Alaska, but…”

Rob’s eyes and ears perk up – “I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska!” he says.

Okay….

Alaska it is…

I stumble my way through the rest of the phone conversation and thousands of “thank yous.” None of this seems real yet.

We go to Sunday dinner completely dazed.

Stunned.

Dumbfounded.

Flabbergasted.

Bewildered.

Astonished.

Stupified.

It took me at least 2 weeks to realize the money was real.

I had to open a special checking account.

I felt so irresponsible going on vacation…but that is why the check was given to us…

And we determined, that yes, indeed, we would head to Alaska.

There wouldn’t be a big bow hunt for moose or dall sheep, but we could fish.  And we can do it before Rob can’t do it anymore.

Out came the calendar, phone calls were made, google worked overtime, and it looked like we could make it fit…and during the salmon run!

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

So, reservations were made, charters were purchased, and plane tickets bought.

As I stare at the confirmation letter for our airfare, it finally dawns on me.

We ARE flying to Alaska…for our 20^th Anniversary…ON our Anniversary.

Chills.

Tears.

Goosebumps.

Overwhelming Gratitude.

Oh, Lord.

You are so gracious and good to us!

Throughout this whole journey, He continually proves, that He will care for our every need..and then some…He is giving us some of our wants as well…in fact, He cares for us so lavishly, that He is gifting us a want we had forgotten we even wanted. 

One again, a gift leaves me dazed.

Stunned.

Dumbfounded.

Flabbergasted.

Bewildered.

Astonished.

Stupified.

Overwhelmed.

God is good.  And loving.  And merciful.  And full of grace.  And trustworthy.

What a gift!

Speechless.

When God Messes With Your Life Plan...

This is another one...that I could not state any better than it is already written.

God is SO good - all the time!

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/when-god-messes-with-your-life-plan

Even When...

I could not say this any better!!

Please read this one! :)

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-if-the-worst-happens

Denver Vacation February 2017

We don’t take vacations.  We aren’t good at it.  Mostly because Rob was always at work, so we couldn’t go.  If he had time off work, we would use it to go camping or for hunting camp.  Granted, we prefer being in the mountains to anywhere there are crowds of people, cities, tourist attractions, etc.  But also, we couldn’t afford to go either.  So we’ve always stuck close to home for the most part.

 

We did go to Glendive, Montana for a weekend to see the dinosaur museum (best one ever) and Makoshika State Park.  But honestly, our last family vacation (with all of us there) was driving to Reno for 3 days so Cody could bugle in the World Championship elk calling contest.  He was 6.  That was half of his lifetime ago! 

Last June we had an impromptu family reunion/camping trip with the In-Laws since several of them were crazy enough to sign up to run a half marathon in Yellowstone.  Sometime during that trip, we started to seriously think about visiting Rob’s brother Sky (and his fiance Whit) in Denver.  Why not?  Well…of course, it’s expensive, but I budgeted out the trip costs and we should be able to swing it.

So…off to Denver we decided to go.  And shoot – if we are planning to head to Denver, we might as well pair it with a pro game!  We aren’t fans of the Denver Broncos, and the tickets are crazy expensive, but we do like the Golden State Warriors, so we thought we should catch them in Denver! 

February rolled around and we hit the road to Denver.  It was great to get Rob out.  Some parts of the trip were a little stressful, because all of the responsibility is on me…but…overall, it was so great to get out and have family time.  We were able to laugh a lot in the car.  We took in the big city – which is always an eye opener for people like us who think Bozeman’s population has gotten completely out of control. 

We stayed at a hotel in Sheridan on the way down so that the kids could swim, and we had a great time.  The hotel was brand new and very clean.  We were the only people in the pool.  Rob has lost his ability to swim, and I had to help him in and out so he wouldn’t slip, but he stood in the pool and laughed at us while the kids and I goofed off.  We stuffed him in the car again in the morning and hit the road to Denver.  We laughed over so many things, it was wonderful.  He started telling a bunch of his old hunting stories and I tried to write some of them down so I could remember them, but I couldn’t get them down while I was driving.  Oh man, has he lived an interesting life!

This was the first time we used his handicapped tag, but he was real accepting of us using it, especially in the city.  We had a great time with Sky and Whit.  We went to a Dave and Buster’s and Rob struggled with quite a few of the games, but then we got him on a race car driving game and after a few rounds he was “tearing up the track.” – It was bittersweet watching him.  He used to be a professional driver, but now his driving is limited to very short trips near the house, so he had to drive a video game instead. 

We went to the zoo, and he did a pretty good job of walking around.  He wasn’t afraid to tell us when he was tired and needed a break.  We also went to the aquarium and did the same thing.  The aquarium had an escalator that posed an issue momentarily, but he got it.  I do have to help him on uneven ground and stairs a lot more now, but he is usually willing to accept help.  Some of the crowded places at the zoo were a bit overwhelming for him balance wise, but he did okay.  

Sky and Whit live in a gorgeous neighborhood along the river with a lot of walking trails, so I would “take the dogs” for a walk just to get Rob some PT time.  He used to out walk me like mad, but now we all have to take it pretty slow so he can keep up.  We also can’t go very far…but that’s okay. 

Cody got to go to top golf, which was awesome, and even play some holes on the course with Skyler. 

We had fun at the warriors vs. nuggets game.

It was a short, short trip, but it was good for him and for all of us, to have the time together.  We also realized that it isn’t that intimidating to take a trip that doesn’t end up camping in the mountains!  Ha ha.  Most importantly, we were able to make some memories and work on some family bonding.  Cody can always remember going to watch the Warriors play in Denver with his dad and “Uncle Bucky.” 

We will have to consider visiting family or traveling more often.  Denver is not that far to go.  We’ll just have to try to budget some more travel time in.  Especially before it becomes too difficult for Rob to travel long distances.  

September Again (2016)

September – Again

(Sept 2016)

It is September again.

I love September.

I love being on a mountain top in September, with that crazy hope that behind every tree is an elk, and every bugle is a bull ready to charge in to bow range.  To hold my breath for fear of an elk hearing my heartbeat.  To hold my bow at full draw for an eternity waiting for my prey to take that one – last – step.  To be up before dawn, riding a wheeler and then hiking miles in the pitch dark before dawn.  To walk in the deep, wet grass and fog on the mountain.  Watching the trees frame the sun rise and the sun set with all glory going to the Creator.  To watch the elk in their natural habitat…watch the cows graze or slowly chew their cud while bedded down for the day.  To watch bulls blow snot and snort and scream and grunt and be majestic and nasty all at the same time.  To be so close you can count the eyelashes on an elk.  To spend time in God’s glorious creation – in HIS mountains – with HIS creatures and to see HIS handiwork upon all of the earth, and to BE STILL and at one with Him.  To hike for miles in the freezing cold of early mornings and late evening and the heat, dust and dry air of midday, chasing the elk I hope is there.  To freeze with my bear spray ready and push my back against a tree while a griz huffs and pops his teeth at me.  To be “busted” mid-step by a mulie doe or a calf elk or a goofy black bear or a dazed coyote.  To stretch out on a mountainside in the sunshine and finally warm up, finally munch on some trail mix or granola bar, and doze off under the wind in the pines or quakies.  To dig out the map and strategize and make a plan for the evening hunt and be going at it until well after dark, then hiking and riding all the way back to camp.  To peel my contacts off my eyeballs, run a washcloth around my face, shove a sandwich or more trail mix in for dinner and crawl into my sleeping bag next to Rob. To try to sleep through elk bugling around camp in the middle of the night and to dream of bulls all night before starting over again in just a few short hours. Oh, yes, I love September in the mountains.

But, here I sit in the back yard, while Rob takes his second nap of the day inside.  And I ponder…I ponder how things have changed in just one year.

Last September we still tried to hunt.  And last year, the guys from hunting camp told me there is something serious going on with Rob, and that it wasn’t my imagination.

It is hard to believe it has been a whole year, and it is hard to believe it has only been one year.  Although, in all honesty, I suppose I had seen this coming for many Septembers.  Four years ago yesterday, Rob shot his Elkhorn bull (2012).  I could tell something wasn’t right.  He just wasn’t the same.  I cherished that September because I feared things would never be the same again.  I clung to all of the good moments of that hunt, even when there were many moments while we were hunting that led me to believe our future was changed.  I thanked God every day for the opportunity to be out on that hunt with him.  I praised God for each moment.  The hunt was like a marriage retreat and a spiritual retreat rolled into one.  We were so blessed. But he just wasn’t the same. 

Due to very warm temperatures and extremely thick smoke, our afternoon hunts quickly changed from spot and stalk hunting in the mornings to hunting from a natural blind in the sagebrush by a water source in the evenings.

Rob slept a lot at the water, while I waited for elk and bears to arrive.  I hunkered down in the sagebrush, guarding over Rob.  I would read 2-3 verses of my camo Bible, then moving only my eyes, scan the surrounding mountainside.  Then repeat and pray.  I read and reread most of the New Testament while sitting behind the sagebrush waiting for something to come get a drink of water.  And Rob slept.  And slept.  I prayed for Rob, for our future, for his health, and most of all, that God’s will would be done.  I prayed for strength and peace to accept the future I somehow knew was coming.  I prayed for our kids, our families, our friends, and for acceptance of God’s will in our lives.  And…I was at peace.  Peace!  He gave me peace and strength and comfort.  Even so, I cherished every moment and tried to cling to every memory we were making.  I did not want our September to end nor the future to come.

Now, here I sit in the sun and breeze, in the dry September air, surrounded by a chorus of typical Sunday afternoon sounds of lawn mowers, kids squealing, dogs barking, cars, trains and airplanes, and I feel grudging acceptance.  So.  This is it.  This is my new September now. September in the back yard and not on a mountain.   

We’ve tried a couple of times this September to get Rob out bowhunting, but it is not the same.  It is a challenge.  We spend most of our time in the truck.  We go on short, fairly level hikes.  Even while trying to sit on water in an evening, he cannot sit still no matter how hard he tries.  His involuntary movements seem tremendous and huge to me simply because we are trying to remain motionless.  He stumbles and trips.  BUT – I am SO grateful for getting him out of the house.  He is happiest on the mountain, so I gladly take him.  I refuse to leave him home alone and neglected if I can help it.  At all costs.  But this afternoon, in the September sun under a whispering quacking aspen, I long to stand on a mountain, bow in hand, listening to elk talking around me. 

I have always been able to take a lot of time off at work in September to hunt, while Rob could not get off work.  Now, he sits and home during the week and I am too busy to take time off and hunt with him.

I am grateful for friends willing to take him hunting when I cannot.  Words cannot express my gratitude for the smiles it brings him.  I watch him get ready for the hunt with bittersweet feelings.  He has to make lists for even the most obvious things.  “Bring Bow”  Without the lists, he would not remember.

Wow.  Things have changed in one year since our last September.

Everything I was scared of has happened.

I had to sit him down and tell him all of the symptoms he is unaware of having.

We had to decide to get tested.

He lost his job.

We are living without his income.

Appointments were made

Blood was drawn

A positive diagnosis was received in January

We filed for disability and began the long waiting process

We had to tell the kids that 1) dad is dying and 2) they can have it too

Rob is home all day alone while we are at work and school

BUT...

Our fears and worries should simply be handed over to God.  Many times, when our greatest fear happens, we realize, it is not so scary.  We do not need to fear.  God is with us and blessing us through it all.  

AMAZING things have happened this year.  God has richly blessed us.

Rob was fired BEFORE he was diagnosed – so he was able to receive some unemployment pay

The kids received scholarships to continue to attend their school

We’ve grown closer as a family

God has given us amazing strength and peace in our weakness

God provides financially – often through the gifts of family and friends and our church, but in so many ways.

An “anonymous” donor paid the kids’ school lunch balance (I know who you are and I love you!)

Another “anonymous” person gave us season passes to the school athletics, so we are able to attend to watch pep band. – again – I know who you are, and I love you too.

We have been enfolded in the arms of our church and school community.  God’s love shines through all of them in so many ways.

Some elderly friends of mine from church slip us money on occasion.

Gifts and meals randomly appear.

SO MANY dear friends are praying for us…and trust me…we can feel the prayers upholding us and lifting us up through this time.

Rob’s old IRA from a previous job “happens” to be the exact amount of the pay off balance of our mortgage.  I don’t believe in coincidences.  God set up that retirement account all those years ago fully knowing exactly what we would need and when. (Although, we need to spread this out over a few years to avoid raising tax brackets, it will be a huge blessing to not have a mortgage to pay each month.)

The prayers of many people carry us through each day

Meat is donated to our freezer – so far this year we have received 1 deer, 2 ½ elk, and some 4-H beef and pork.  This not only provides for us, but allows us to share the light of Jesus by sharing with our neighbors.

An absolute FLOOD of cards have been given with love – Rob keeps every single one to cherish and re-read.

Friends from a lifetime ago have re-connected and told stories of how important Rob has been to them.  Like living eulogies, he gets to HEAR how much they care and how much he means to them.

Some medical offices are not charging us full price.  They know he will never get better.  They know he will need assistance for the remainder of his life.  Once insurance runs out for the year, they cover the costs of Rob’s visits. 

Good friends and family make sure we can still get in the woods, whether that means taking Rob hunting (thank you to the moon and back, John Visser!), or snowmobiling – and digging us out of our many stuck holes (thank you Mike Kassity and Grandpa Rob!)

Rob gets lots of greetings, pats on the back and handshakes at church and school functions.  It is so great for him.

My mom cleans my house.

My dad takes Rob to Bible study and lunch.

The kids got to spend time with him this summer. 

Heidi and my mom took him on "physical therapy" hikes about once a week over the summer, so he could work on his leg strength, work on his balance, and be out in God's creation.

Rob Sr. comes off the mountain and helps cut up an elk, bringing a grinder and small smoker for Rob.  That will keep him busy with little projects during the week while he is home alone.

He was approved for disability benefits!  Praise the LORD!

People have dropped off random mechanical projects for him to fiddle with and stay busy during the long weekdays. 

Teachers, staff, administrators, students and other families from school are an amazing demonstration of God’s love and providence for our children.  They watch over them each day to make sure they are doing okay.  They email me, call me, meet with me, and help in an untold number of ways and surprises.

Some good Christian men have stepped up and invited Cody on some hunting excursions because Rob is not able to be “that dad” anymore. 

   

All in all, God is good, and we have been very, very blessed this year.

This September – is different.  It is not the same.  It has changed.  But it is not bad.  It is all good, for we are walking down the path of HIS choosing, HE goes before us, and the pathway is lined with those who care for us, encouraging us along.

September.

It is different.

But it is well.

It is well with my soul.

One Year Jan 13, 2017

One year.  One. Whole. Year. 

The wise man built his house upon the rock (Jesus), and the foolish man built his house upon the sand.  When the storms came – oh, and the storms came – to BOTH the wise and the foolish – the house rooted firmly in the foundation of the Lord endured.  It may have been battered by all ferocity of the storm, but it still stands, because the Lord himself provided the strength to stand firm.  And HE does not collapse.  He does not crumble.  And therefore, neither do we.

It is HIS strength and HIS peace that sees us through this journey every day.  Of course, we would love to walk an easier path in life.  But we need to keep our eyes on the destination.  And on WHO is leading us.  And when He asks us to use the difficult and rugged trail full of rocks and downed trees and dark shadows and vertical cliffs, we can be confident that He himself goes before us and leads the way.  He is the one who guides us through the valley of the shadow of death.  And when the trail becomes too difficult, we can rely fully on Him to see us through it; to help us over the rocks, to bandage our wounds, to light the darkness of the shadows, and to guide us through uncertain places.  We can be grateful for the journey, because it brings us closer to Him. as we are forced to rely on His strength. We can trust Him fully, not only for getting us to the final destination, but for walking with us through each step of the journey. If we were walking down an easy path in life, would we need to rely on Him?  Would we be able to trust in our own strength and peace and wisdom instead of leaning fully on His? And so, we can be grateful for the journey, even in all of its difficulties. (Not that I wouldn’t just LOVE to have the easy path once in a while!!)

If you knew the depths of our weaknesses, you could fully understand the overflowing abundance of His strength and peace that He gives.  May He be glorified, always, through each and every step of our journey. 

This year has brought many changes, many challenges, many weaknesses, and oh, so much strength and peace and joy. God is good.  God loves us.  His plan is good and perfect.  And He works all things together for the good of those who love Him (that’s me! That’s us!).  Is there really anything else that we need to know? Not really.  Stop fretting.  Let God have it.  Rest in Him.  Be still. 

Thank you, all, for walking this difficult journey with us. We love you all, more than you could ever know.  We are blessed.

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  Psalm 56:3

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD. Psalm 150:6

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5:18

Giving thanks always for all things unto God, even the Father, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;  Ephesians 5:20

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phil 4:6

I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High. Psalm 7:17

The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! Psalm 18:46

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7

Praise be to the Lord, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege. Psalm 31:21