Larry the Lump (December 29, 2016)

Larry the Lump                                   December 29, 2016

On November 4, 2016, I went in for a routine mammogram.  My family has basically zero cancer in our history, so it has never really been on my radar.  Right up until a few days later when I received a phone call asking me to come back for an in-depth follow up.  I was not very concerned, but wondered what on earth God had “up his sleeve” so to speak.   I trusted Him.  Regardless of the outcome, I knew He had it under control. So I scheduled appointment number 2.  In the meantime, I gained a new friend named Larry.  Larry the Lump.  Larry was an unwelcome houseguest who long overstayed his welcome and didn’t show any signs of leaving any time soon.

Appointment #2 involved a second mammogram targeting a specific area…and then a call back for an ultrasound to really look at what was puzzling the radiologist.  After some time, they determined that Larry wasn’t there and I was good to go.

Larry, however, had no intentions of leaving.  Unfortunately, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that they had missed something.  I mean…Larry was still there…perhaps he just wasn’t photogenic enough for all the paparazzi at Advanced Medical Imaging.  I hated even telling anyone about it…because the tests make mistakes all the time.  Shoot, if you breathe wrong you can get a shadow on your “film,” so I decided to just keep it to myself and not stress anyone else out.  Probably a poor choice, since that means no one is praying for me…which I probably needed at the time. 

So…I was all clear, right?

Well, Larry didn’t take well to his eviction notice.  He didn’t want to move out.  He didn’t appreciate being ignored, and so he fought HARD to make his presence known.  Stupid Larry.  I wasn’t scared or nervous, but couldn’t shake a feeling that someone needed to do a background check on this Larry guy and figure out exactly who he was and why he was there.

So along comes another Doctor appointment as a follow up, and sure enough, Doc doesn’t like Larry.  Doc thinks Larry needs an eviction notice.  Doc wants to know Larry’s history and identification – who is Larry and why is he here?  Ol’ Larry liked keeping everyone guessing at his real identity.  He kept changing his characteristics so he couldn’t be identified.  Basically, I think Larry was a spy.

Since Larry wouldn’t provide us with the proper identification documents, Doc wanted to make sure Larry wasn’t a harmful/threatening fugitive.  So…back in to get more pictures of Larry. 

My faith was not wavering.  I still trusted the Lord 100%.  But there were a few times when I thought, really?  Really Lord?  I’m pleased you think I can handle so much, but I’m not so sure I can.  But…if you call me to it, You will get me through it.

 

By now, it is Christmas.

I’m busy. I’m trying to deal with some family situations. I’m watching my hubby’s health decline. Trying to help my kids adjust to life – one of which was not doing well at all at this time.  C’mon, Larry…just tell us who you are, or leave….that’s all we ask!  But, instead, I’m scheduled for another round of mammograms and ultrasounds on Larry.  We are now planning to waterboard him until he gives up his real identification and purpose.  If that doesn’t work, we’ll be forced to physically remove him put him on the rack and torture him ‘til he talks (biopsy).

 

About a week before my appointment, I started to get concerned…but still completely trusted God.  This sounds like such an oxymoron.  How can you worry, but still trust?  Faith and worry are mutually exclusive.  They occupy the same space.  Whenever one grows, it moves the other one out.  The only way to encourage faith to grow, is to remove the worry and doubt.  I felt my glass was 95% faith, but that 5% doubt was starting to really bother me.  I concentrated on placing my burdens on the Lord without picking them back up and carrying them with me.  I kept trying to squash a wiggly, waggling worm of fear and worry as I started to wonder – what if I am too sick and I don’t live long enough to care for my hubby?  Who will take care of his end of life care?  That is too big of a burden on my children.  What will happen to him and who will care for him?  Then I would squash the worm of worry…because I really do, truly know that God has him.  And God has us.  No matter the test results.  No matter Larry’s identification.  No matter anything and no matter everything.  No matter - the Lord is in control and His plan is good and perfect and we will just do our best to continue to praise Him and glorify him in all things.

By now, I finally told a couple of prayer partners who could lift me up in prayer for strength and peace.  You would think I would be panicking.  Not quite yet.  I just wanted to make sure I can stay alive long enough to see the hubby through his Huntington’s.  But, since long before we even had a diagnosis, we trusted the Lord to care for us through a diagnosis.  Because I had 100% faith in Him, I knew we would be okay.  No matter what Larry turned out to be.  If I had cancer, well, I’d deal with it.  Maybe I am too practical?  I don’t know….but with everything else going on in other areas of my life, I did need some prayers.

A few days after Christmas I had my 44^th birthday.  A few days after that, I got to take Larry to go get his picture taken again.  He didn’t want his picture taken.  So they broke out the ultrasound again and zapped Larry good.  He still didn’t identify himself, but they were able to determine that he doesn’t pose a threat.  Apparently, Larry the lump is just an abnormality…no explanation for Larry’s presence other than he is there.  He is there and he should not be any kind of threat.  He’s just a random lump. 

Perhaps I passed the test in more ways than one?  Medically and spiritually? I hope so.  Either way, God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.  Who are we to question Him or His plans for our lives?

So, when worry has you down, just get down further – get on your knees and talk to your Father.  Give Him your worries and rise up leaving your burdens behind.  He’s got it.  And He’s got you.

⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.  1 Peter 5:6-11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Tents

August 11, 2014, I wrote a little note about tents...

August 2016 - this pops up on my facebook page. - please follow the link. :)

Still. So. Very. True.

http://biblelovenotes.blogspot.com/2014/03/tent-life.html 

Be Still

Be Still

One of my favorite verses is Psalm 44:10,

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I use this verse often, to describe the refreshment and replenishment of my spirit when I am able to get out on a mountain or in God’s glorious creation here in Montana.  It is refreshing.  It is replenishing.  To be in His creation and to stop and just…be…still…to be near Him…to commune with Him and feel revived and ready to return home to face my daily battles, my daily grind.

In His devotional book, Prayer, Praise and Promise, a daily walk through the Psalms, Pastor Warren Wiersbe explains that the Hebrew word translated here as “be till” actually means “take your hands off.”

So, according to Wiersbe, what God is actually saying in this verse, is “Take your hands off, and let Me be God in your life.”

We live in a world we want to control – especially as mothers, and Christian mothers in today’s declining world.  We want to control everything.  But many times, our hands get in the way of God’s work.  “Sometimes only God’s hands can do the job.  Our hands get in the way because we are manipulating, plotting or scheming.” (Wiersbe)

Faith is living without scheming.

Wiersbe says, “If we try to control everything and play God I your lives, everything will fall apart.  But if we let Him truly be God in our lives, He will be exalted, He will be with us, and He will get the job done.”

But – we have to be willing to be still, and to take our hands off.

Whatever you or I are facing.

Whatever worries you or I may have.

Whatever has you or me plotting a way to survive.

STOP.

Give it to the Lord.

Wiersbe further states, “A time will come when He will say, ‘All right, I will use your hands.’  But until then, keep your hands off.  Know that He is God.  He does not expect us to do what only He can do.”

Yes.

Be still.

Hands off.

You’ve got this, Lord, because I do not.

I want to keep my hands off and be still and allow God to work in my life.

Here I am, in a cabin full of snoring middle school boys, watching the sunrise out the window, with streams of water gurgling outside, and I am being still. And I am reminded that Christ is the LIVING water.  I am revived, replenished, cleansed.

Again and again, I take my hands off our situation and let the Lord God have control.  Praise the Lord for His goodness, His mercy, His wisdom, His love.

His goodness endures forever.

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.

Hush, my child…

Be still.

Why

WHY

“I’m sure you are wondering why God is doing this to you, and are even mad at Him.” 

…um…actually….no….

We might not like the fact that Rob has Huntington’s Disease, but there is no wondering about WHY Rob has HD, and no blaming of the Lord.

We believe God has a perfect plan.

We believe that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

We believe He created a good and perfect world, a world that was destroyed and then cursed by sin.  Our world is falling apart around us and has been since that first sin.  Creation moans for the restoration from the Lord.  Sin has ruined and cursed ALL of creation – and that includes DNA. 

If there is any”one” to “blame” for Rob’s Huntington’s Disease, we blame the deceiver, the devil, Satan.

There isn’t a need to waste time on anger or blame.

Because we have HOPE.

Hope in Christ Jesus

.

Because Satan did not win.

We (children of God) won, and we will win, because GOD Himself won and we are His.

Not even the gates of hell prevail against Him.

SO…I don’t wonder why.

Why – because we are guaranteed to have trials to strengthen us and develop us into stronger Christians (James 1:2-4)

Why – because God wants us to grow

Why – because God wants to be glorified

Why – so His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Why – so His peace can surpass all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7)

Why – because He loves us and wants to perfect us – like refining gold through a fire – hopefully this will burn out the impurities in our spirits and make us pure in Him. (1 Peter 1:7)

No.  I do not wonder why.

No.  I do not blame God.

I praise God for knowing what is better for us than we could ever know ourselves.

I blame the devil and sin and the fallen, cursed, sinful world. 

And I look forward to the day Christ returns and we have a new heaven and new earth and creation is restored and there is no more sorrow and no more pain.  There is my hope.

Some say I am naïve.

Perhaps…but I don’t believe so. 

I believe the strength and peace is the answer to the innumerous, uncountable prayers for strength, peace and wisdom.  Because it is His strength, peace and wisdom that cover our weaknesses, especially in times of trial.

And when you trust Him to hold your future, you don’t need to ask why.

You simply praise Him for loving you enough to force you to grow and give you a way to glorify Him.

To God be the glory...forever and ever...Amen!

Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Romans 8:28 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ...

Proverbs 16:9 

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Isaiah 58:11 

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

Jeremiah 1:5 

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Proverbs 3:5 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Romans 12:2 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Psalm 27:14 

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 32:8 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Isaiah 40:31 

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

1 Corinthians 2:9 

But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—

Psalm 37:23 

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way;

Proverbs 19:21 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Anniversaries

When our church installed mailboxes for the members, it became very easy to slip small notes and cards to members of my church family.  I unintentionally became the “card lady” when I started putting in birthday and anniversary cards as they are posted in the newsletter.  It is an easy thing to do.  The older church members really enjoy them, as they are often forgotten in our high-tech, social media world.  If they aren’t on facebook, who will tell them happy birthday?  It is a small effort to brighten someone’s day and bring a smile to their face.  I guess I just feel like it is something God has asked me to do, in order to share and spread His love among His people.  And I really enjoy being able to spread a little cheer around my church family.

It has been getting a little harder to write out anniversary cards, since it reminds me that Rob and I have a limited number of years remaining to celebrate together.  Seeing others celebrate milestones is bittersweet, because I am happy for them and thank God for His blessings in their lives, but there is sadness because I don’t know how many more anniversaries we’ll be able to celebrate.

Even though I fully realize our time is limited, as I wrote out cards for couples celebrating 50-60+ years of marriage, I nearly dropped my pen. I always wanted to be married for 50+ years, and I suddenly realized, I never will be.  It was as though the full realization of our shortened lives together hit me all at once.  I will never be able to celebrate 50 or more years of marriage.  The thought was so random and so sudden, it is hard to explain…because I KNOW and mourn the fact that we have few anniversaries remaining…so why the sudden realization of not making it to 50 years?  How many more anniversaries will we celebrate?  Five? Seven? Probably not 10.  We’ve been married for 19 years, and at the rate Rob is declining, I don’t think we will make it to 30 years together. But we will be thankful for how ever many God sees fit to bless us with.  He is the captain of this ship, and we’re just along for the ride!  Praise Him, for He is good!

I sometimes watch elderly couples as they care for each other, and blink back tears as I mourn the loss of that same future for Rob and I. Long before Rob was sick, I used to look at the rows of white-haired widows in church, and hope for good friends in my old age, but now, those days are coming much too quickly.  I’m not afraid of being alone…I’m not alone and never will be with my family, friends, church family and most importantly, the Lord, supporting me and loving me.  But a part of me will be missing.  I won’t have my best friend with me anymore.  Two became one…and when the other half of me is gone, then I won’t feel whole.  I’m not mourning the fact that I will be alone sometimes, I am mourning the fact that Rob won’t be with me.  Although, in all honestly, on one of his many bad days, he is already gone.  My Rob just isn’t there anymore on those bad days.

As our anniversary approached, I wanted to do something special, even though 19 isn’t a milestone like 20 or 30.  We don’t have many anniversaries left to celebrate, so I wanted to make it as special for Rob as I could.  I spent a whole $30 on a USFS cabin rental and took Rob to the mountains.

What a change…

What a change!!

For our first anniversary, I did much of the same thing, only we went the backcountry route.  This year, I chose a cabin I could drive to in my car.  Instead of driving ATVs 18 miles back in to a cabin surrounded by thick griz country and no one within 20 miles of us, I drove my car to a cabin about ½ mile from a heavily used trailhead system and campground.  Instead of scouting animals above treeline at 9,600 feet, we watched them from car windows as we drove through private land.  Instead of riding horses or wheelers on an all-day ride, or hiking 12-15 miles, we sat leisurely in chairs along the creek and I helped him carefully cross the bridges over the creek.  We did go for a “hike” – but in 2 hours of walking down a level path, we only covered 4-5 miles instead of 7-8 miles in steep, rugged terrain.  Instead of Rob leading the way and being the one who took me into the mountains and watched over me and protected me, I was the one who was taking him out and carefully watching his every step, making sure he had sunblock and bug spray, keeping track of his gear, and generally being responsible for his needs.  Instead of following him as the leader, I have to charge forward and take the lead – on the trail and in life.  Recognizing all the change makes tears squeeze their way out no matter how hard I fight them.  Instead of charging across the raging creek on horses after several days of archery hunting in a wall tent way back in the backcountry, we carefully crossed bridges on foot, holding tightly to the railing and Rob had to use his walking poles for balance.  Then we drove the car up and down the road to look at the scenery and wildlife.  Instead of whispering hopes and dreams for the future as we stare at the stars, we pour over legal documents and discuss end-of-life decisions, life support, feeding tubes, and living wills.  Romantic as ever.

But some things do not change.  Some small things have not changed too drastically yet.  Sitting quietly holding hands and being still to know that HE is God.  A (strangely) traditional anniversary dinner of campfire hotdogs, staying up until the Milky Way swings overhead, snuggling in our fuzzy cozy sleeping bags and listening to the wind in the trees has not change.  Being able to put our trust and faith in Christ fully is forever, eternal, steadfast and unchanging.  The important things do not change.  The big things do not change.  Our love for each other and trusting God with our future has not changed.  It is His – we are His – we’ll do as He asks and praise Him all the while.  He is leading us through the valley of the shadow of death, and all we have to do is follow Him.  Praise the Lord – for He is good and His mercy endures forever.  God never changes. He is unchanging. His love is unchanging.  His love and mercy last forever.

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

² Let Israel say:
    “His love endures forever.”
³ Let the house of Aaron say:
    “His love endures forever.”
⁴ Let those who fear the Lord say:
    “His love endures forever.”

⁵ When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;
    he brought me into a spacious place.
⁶ The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
    What can mere mortals do to me?

~ Psalm 118: 1-6 ~

³⁴ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.  ~ 1 Chronicles 16:34

⁸ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

~ Hebrews 13:8 ~

The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

~ Lamentations 3:22 ~

 

¹⁹ God is not human, that he should lie,
    not a human being, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
    Does he promise and not fulfill?

Numbers 23:19

¹ Praise the Lord.  Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever. Psalm 106

  

Psalm 107

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

² Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—
    those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,

¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

¹¹ the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord, saying,

“Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
    for the Lord is good;
    his love endures forever.”

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the Lord.

Jeremiah 33:11

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5

“For I am the Lord, I do not change;
Therefore you are not consumed, O sons of Jacob.  Malachi 3:6

 

…You laid the foundation of the earth,
And the heavens are the work of Your hands.
²⁶ They will perish, but You will endure;
Yes, they will all grow old like a garment;
Like a cloak You will change them,
And they will be changed.
²⁷ But You are the same,
And Your years will have no end.

Psalm 102:25-27

¹ Praise the Lord, all you nations;
    extol him, all you peoples.
² For great is his love toward us,
    and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord. 

Psalm 117

¹³ The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison to give praise and thanks to the Lord. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, the singers raised their voices in praise to the Lord and sang:

“He is good;
    his love endures forever.”

Then the temple of the Lord was filled with the cloud, ¹⁴ and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the temple of God.

2 Chronicles 5:13-14

Psalm 136

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

⁴ to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
⁵ who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
⁶ who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
⁷ who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
⁸ the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
⁹ the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea^[a] asunder
His love endures forever.
¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

¹⁶ to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.

¹⁷ to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
¹⁸ and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
²⁰ and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
²¹ and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
²² an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.

²³ He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
²⁴ and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
²⁵ He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter his courts with praise.  I will say this is the day that the Lord has made. 

I will rejoice for he has made me glad.