I should be able to get caught up on sleep and rest on a weekend...sometime...but we are weekend warriors, and I find myself exhausted again on a Monday morning.
It looks to be a busy week, too, so I'll need to find some time to steal a cat nap somewhere along the line.
I had to get off work early on Friday to get to school in time to grab Buddy and get him ready for playing BB during half time of the high school game. Unfortunately, they had him scheduled to play during the JV game, which started at 4, so it was doubtful that Hubby would be able to make it. Fridays are generally the worst for him at work, and his schedule is highly unpredictable on Friday evenings. He usually ends up working late. I sat in the stands, sorry that he would miss it....not just because he is the dad, missing the event....but because...well...what if?? And I thought to myself about the many many times due to his work schedule, that I had acted as a single mom. In so many areas, it is (unfortunately) just the kids and I. Hubby wishes he could participate more, but he is at work and needs to put in his hours. So, I cherish the time spent socializing with my other "mom-friends" knowing that someday...someday they might be the only ones with me. Has God been slowly preparing me for the life of a single parent? I hope not. I hope I never lose Hubby. But...if I am going to...then thank the good Lord for helping prepare me in advance.
So I cherish the smiles, giggles, laughter and love of my friends, and we whisper and giggle in the stands like a couple of middle school girls. These ladies are so much more than "friends." They are my sisters in Christ. They know my true heart. We share the same Lord and Maker - our FATHER in Heaven. We are closer than "friends" - our very souls understand each other - and we love each other with the Father's love! Oh how I thank God for giving me these friends! I need them desperately in my life. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever need them - for anything - now or in the future - they will always be there and I will always have them to lean on. Thank you, Lord, for providing me with such good family!!
My phone rings, and Hubby asks when the little man will be playing. He also asks what we are doing on Monday evening. He is rearranging his work schedule with his boss to insure that he can make it to the game in time. If he can push some of his work to Monday evening, then he can get off work with barely enough time to catch the game. We have lots of 4-H activities on Monday, so he won't miss much if he works late. He manages to arrive at the game with a few minutes to spare. Punkin and I spy him thru the windows and wave excitedly. Not only is it nice to see him, but it will be so nice to have him sitting next to me at the games! Below us, the 3rd and 4th graders come out wearing little school jerseys, waiting anxiously for their chance on the court. Moms hold their breath in anticipation. We cheer on the high school boys while glancing down at our little guys. As moms, we know how fast time flies, knowing that in a few short years it will be our kids on the court. I want to get some good pictures, so I make my way down to the court at halftime, and try to preserve the memory...not just for me...or even for the little man...but for Hubby...how many of the kids' games will he be able to see? How many will he miss? I am SO happy he is here to watch the little man's first time on the big court in front of a home crowd. The buzzer sounds and the high school boys high five and fist bump the little guys as they come off the court. I love our school. I love the sense of community and shared love. We are all family in Christ - brothers and sisters in Christ our Lord - and to see the "big kids" cheering on the little kids, when it is usually the other way around. My heart skips a beat and I catch my breath for a second, as I pause to thank the Lord for giving us a FAMILY. I push the bad thoughts to the side, and hurry back to sit next to Hubby, hold his hand, laugh, smile, cheer loud, and just plain enjoy the evening.
We have a busy day planned for Saturday and we are all tired, so we don't make it through the end of the games before we head home. Our friend has left a trailer with 3 snowmobiles and a dirt bike parked in our driveway. Hubby is supposed to work on them in his "free time" (he doesn't have free time). We will need to rearrange everything in the driveway before we can go to bed. I point the kids into the house and get a warmer coat on. First we move everything stacked behind the camper...then hook up to the camper to push it back and make room for Andy's trailer. We had to loosen the sleds on the sled deck and push them to the outside of the deck, so that there was enough room to hitch up. Got the camper pushed back another 8 feet or so. Unhook everything and hook up to the Andy's trailer....get it backed in front of the camper...barely fits. unhook again and repark until we hook up to our trailer in the morning. Hubby climbs on the sled deck to make sure Punkin's sled is running right, while I wrap a logging chain around the 3 sleds and the dirt bike and padlock them together. Then we chain and padlock the sled trailer to the camper. Soon I am helping change spark plugs in Punkin's sled. I enjoy working outside with Hubby, as we have such a spirit of teamwork and comraderie. I cherish even these moments....we work so well together...I don't think there is anyone I can work so easily with. Soon I can get my car to fit in the driveway and we are done and can go inside. Kids are passed out sleeping in various locations in the house. We crawl in bed and snuggle...and he twitches...and I push back my initial reaction of being irritated by being kept awake, and start praying. I would rather have him here, alive and twitching, than laying alone in an empty bed. oh, Please, Please PLEASE, dear Lord, do not let him be sick....but if it's Your will, then give me the strength to get through this....and I let sleep claim me.
As always, morning comes way too early, and I start packing our snowmobile gear while Hubby hooks up the trailer. Kids are slow moving, but up and ready to go try somewhere new. We head to Taylor's Fork and start unloading sleds. By the time the kids are geared up and pile out of the truck, Hubby and I have pushed the trailer back and are getting the ramp ready for the sled deck. Punkin says, "you guys are, like, in stereo!" I smile. Yes - we have a system down and can work together without even talking. We just go into auto pilot and hook up the ramp together. It's funny - when we ride with other people - they often want to help us with the ramp - and I appreciate that - but it usually ends up slowing us down and there is more confusion. Maybe I need to SPEAK to them, since they cannot read my mind like Hubby does. ha ha ha.
What a great day of riding. We are so impressed with the kids. They are really doing great! Of course, we are biased, and we know that, but when I shoot up a gully full of powder and head back down to the trail, I am shocked and surprised to find that the Little Man followed me up it! He wasn't supposed to follow me! But he did! Turkey! I holler at Hubby - "He wasn't supposed to follow me up there!" and Hubby laughs a great belly laugh and we head down the trail some more. Punkin is my trail racer...if we didn't have to wait for the little man to keep up, I'm pretty sure she'd love to whip it up and race me down the trail. They both put about 60 miles on their sleds today, and are looking for more meadows on the way out!
We get everyone loaded in the truck, eat a few snacks, and "bench race" half the way home. So many great memories and "remember whens" added to the cache today. sigh.
We made it home in time to watch a movie before bed. Oh what a bunch of laughter we had. Hubby is so full of one-liners...it's just great....and again...I cherish each moment, and ponder them in my heart. How many more days like this will we have?
Sundays are wonderful refreshing days for body, mind and spirit. I sit in church and lean against Hubby's shoulder. I hold his hands while we sing. Little Man is sitting up front with the Cadets for Cadet Sunday, and at one point I look down and see Hubby is clinging to both Punkin and my hands. and I watch his fingers twitch, and his feet shuffle. I'm fidgety too - I have a hard time getting comfortable on the wooden pews, and my bad knee always gets locked up during the sermon, but I glance back at Hubby's hands...and wonder if he can force the twitching to stop. I close my eyes and will my heart and mind to remember this moment forever. I love sitting next to him in church. I don't particularly want to sit alone some day. So I scootch even closer. In the fellowship hall after the service, I find that I cannot keep my hands off of him. I just need to touch him while I can. I keep my hand on his arm. The kids are impatient to leave, but he is talking to someone. It is important to allow him the time to talk with his brothers in Christ. We wait as patiently as possible, and I keep holding his arm. After a quick lunch and running over to take care of my folks' place, we somehow squeeze onto the couch together and try to nap. He is incredibly cozy. I am in a lot of pain, trying to balance on the couch, but I don't want to move. Eventually, the guilt of leaving laundry in the washer and the pain in my neck drives me from the couch. I know we need to go to night church, but I just don't want to interrupt his sleep. He looks so peaceful...other than the snoring...he looks so peaceful when he sleeps. He doesn't twitch in his sleep....
We have been ridiculed for always being so busy on the weekends...and for not staying home and doing housework, etc. But we'll have plenty of time for housework someday.
right now...
right now...we build memories...
and so, Monday morning comes, and we drag ourselves out of bed and start another week of activity.
I've been at work for a few hours, and I already miss him.
I trust...I hope...I pray...I wait...and I have faith in my good Lord and Savior.
HE alone will give me strength and peace.
it's going to be okay.
no matter what...
it's going to be okay.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
In the beginning...
Well...
Here goes....
I thought I would start a blog...
not so much because I want people to read it...
or to "glorify" myself....because all glory goes to God.
I guess, I am feeling the need to begin a journal...of the adventure and journey I am about to embark upon...
sounds exciting, right?
I'm not sure....
my journey...is my life - physical, emotional, spiritual - on this earth, with my dearest...my hubbie.
I do not know where this adventure will take us...but I see some landmarks on the side of the road, and some road signs, and I think I know the road we will be headed down. I would like to make it to my final destination by taking a different road.
But God's will is perfect. God's plan is perfect. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father. I do not shirk from trials and tribulations. For the good Lord uses them to strengthen us...to build us up...to teach us, develop us, form us...but...that doesn't mean I LIKE to go through the process to be developed, formed, taught, built up...
Oh, EVERY one of us is on a life journey - to be sure.
We all have a destination - life does not end when our bodies fail here on earth, but continues on for eternity. If you are willing to take the time to look around, you can see where your journey is taking you for your final destination...
But this is more about the road we will be taking to get there...and someday, in the midst of the struggles of this journey, I want to be able to remember...how did I feel at the beginning? And most importantly, I want to glorify God and see His hands at work throughout this entire process.
This blog is mostly for me.
But if you find strength and comfort from it - then praise the Lord above, and give HIM the glory.
In the beginning....
(LONG PAUSE) - I am contemplating how far back to go...
I would like to choose right now as a starting point, and address the elephant lurking in the room. But I know full well that the elephant has always been in the room, try as we have to ignore it, and this journey of ours began long long ago.
Are some things better left alone??
Do I need to exhume all these old facts and feelings from the graveyard of my heart and mind?
Perhaps I need to "tear off the band-aid" to allow anyone crazy enough to read this - with a "prologue" to this story.
When Hubbie and I met - it was love at first sight.
Truly. 100% head over heels, and the full knowledge that God had brought us together in amazing ways. There was an immediate understanding that we would be together forever.
Shortly into the relationship, he had to tear off the band-aid, exhume his painful past, and tell me about Huntington's Disease.
Huntington's is...indescribably horrible, beyond description.
The best way to describe it, is that it is similar to having ALS, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's all at the same time. Oh, yea, and throw in some depression, mood swings and outbursts while you are at it.
If you want to know more, then you may go here: http://hdsa.org/what-is-hd/
If someone has Huntington's, their children have a 50% chance of having Huntington's.
His grandpa, mom and aunt all had it.
He has a 50% chance of having it.
He wasn't sure I was willing to accept this potential struggle and challenge, especially so early in a relationship, even though we both knew God meant us to be together. He wanted me to know before it hurt too much to end the relationship and leave.
But I knew, that with God, all things are possible.
I know, that with God, we could face it together.
I still know, and have incredible peace, that IF this is God's will for our lives, then HE will see us through it, and God can use it to HIS glory.
I might not be able to SEE or predict or understand the good that could come out of this...but I know who God is. God is my Father in Heaven, my creator, my Lord, my Savior, my GOD! He is good and perfect and pure. I know that He loves me beyond measure. I know that His plan is perfect. I know that HE will give us the strength and peace to somehow get through this, He asks us to walk that journey through Huntington's. Even though we must walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we can fear no evil - WHY? - Because HE is WITH us. He won't ask us to take that journey and then abandon or forsake us. No, He will be right there with us, through it all. And so I know....it will be okay. eventually...it will be okay.
But I pray that Hubby will escape this disease, and that he will be the other side of the 50% of Huntington's children.
And so, we carried on with our lives, got married, played hard, then settled down and had children. Giving our lives into God's hands...placing our future in His plan and purpose.
People die every day - in car accidents, in work accidents, in so many ways.
Why would I give up or forfeit even 10 good years with Hubby, to avoid something that might never happen?
No - I give myself fully to Hubby, love unconditionally, withholding no emotions as a means of "protecting my heart" - no - instead, I appreciate and cherish every good moment.
The elephant was in the room all these years...but was ignored for the most part.
Certainly, no one wanted to talk about the elephant!
Not even when he stepped on your foot - you don't talk about the elephant unless you are forced to.
You might, on occasion, talk about the large grey animal in the room...but you try not to name him.
So - that's the prologue, the preamble, if you will, of this crazy story of ours...
Chapter 1
January 2012.
We had all seen a few warning signs...
we were all worried.
We all prayed that we were wrong...
but the tests came back...
Hubby's sister has Huntington's.
and no matter how hard we keep trying to ignore the elephant in the room...it seems we keep bumping into him, he is refusing to be ignored.
Now, our prayers, are that God can use this in their lives...that some good can come from this...
Remember that 50%?
So, now that she is diagnosed, our nieces each have a 50% chance of getting it.
If Hubby never gets it - our children will never get it - but if he does - then they have a 50% chance of getting it also.
It is an ugly, ugly disease.
and I watch him....suspiciously, and wait.
watching him like a hawk, wondering, and praying.
I eye him in the evenings on the couch...and wonder...has he always been this fidgety??
Is this something new?
Is he just fidgeting, or is it uncontrollable?
Is he flexing his hands because they hurt after a long day at work, or because he can't control what his hands are doing?
His feet seem like they can't get comfortable in front of the tv.
Do they hurt from standing on concrete all day long, (yes they do), or are they involuntarily twitching?
I pray and will for myself to not be annoyed when we cuddle on the couch and he doesn't stop twitching...reminding myself over and over...what if he can't control it? What if he isn't doing it on purpose?
Was he getting turned around hunting because he's just getting old like the rest of us, or is he getting confused?
Why is he the one stumbling on tree limbs and walking so noisily through the grass, when I am the one with the bum leg? He has always had cat like reflexes and amazing stealth in the woods. I swear, it was like trying to follow someone who never actually set his feet down on anything, and I was the bumbling, stumbling, noisy one chasing the elk away. But now..I am the stealthy one, while mhe is stumbling and noisy and stomping through the woods...what is going on now??
Are our finances in order?
How will I be able to make a house payment?
How will I be able to make medical payments?
How will I handle the challenges of losing my best friend, slowly and painfully? (gracefully, I hope)
And then I remind myself...it will ALL be okay.
God knows.
He is my father.
He will provide for ALL my needs - spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Everything will be fine.
I do not allow myself to go down the "what if" road...but instead, I take a sharp detour onto the "God is good, and God will provide" road instead.
I trust in Him completely.
And yet...I sit closer on the couch...
I trade places in church with the kids so that I can sit with him, stand with him, sing with him, praise our Lord God and Savior with him.
I try not to kick his legs back over onto his side of the bed, but curl up on the edge without complaint, because I know full well that there are many many people out there who would love to fight for bed space if it meant having their loved one back...knowing, that some day, that might be me.
Should we spend the money to buy our Little Man a snowmobile?
Will we use it enough to justify it?
And I think - we must - we must use it while we can - we must use it before it's too late.
Saturdays are not spent cleaning house and doing handyman jobs.
Saturdays are spent building as many memories and remember whens as possible.
Saturdays are being used as much as possible, because some day...we will not be able to use Saturdays.
Saturdays will be another caregiver day...
So we stuff Punkin and the Lil Man onto their sleds and off we go into the mountains.
It can be a lot of work, loading and unloading 4 sleds.
But we are out in God's glorious creation, chasing each other around in the powder, and laughing, and sometimes hollering, and I cherish every moment.
I watch Hubby chase his dad around the mountain and hog the powder that I want to hog, while I stay on the trail leading the kids down the road, and I smile...it's good to watch the wide open expanses of fresh powder sparkle in the sunshine and hear the BRAAAAAP, BRAAAAP of their two snowmobiles chasing each other up and down the chutes and gullies.
I look back at Punkin and Lil Man right on my tail and hit the gas a little harder, and I grin.
What a perfect day.
I round the switchback and spy Hubby above the road, dropping into the chute that I took the kids around, and I glance down the mountain at the next chute I want to drop into, but instead I putz around the road, and 3 corners later, I smile - I KNEW he would take that line! I look at his tracks and grin, knowing how much fun he just had bailing off the side of the mountain.
I blink back the tears, blip the throttle, and CHERISH the moment, carefully tucking the memory into the right file folder in my mind...
In the Bible, it talks about Jesus' mother Mary "pondering these things in her heart" - and most of us don't quite understand exactly what this means. Oh, we've heard plenty of sermons, and read books, and heard several explanations...
but now...
now...
I know.
I know.
I sit on my snowmobile/church pew/four wheeler/truck seat/camper bench/lawn chair/couch, look across at Hubby, and then the Lil Man and Punkin...and I ponder these moments in my heart.
I cherish them, and crave to burn them into my memory.
And right when I start to despair...I gather it up, and hand it to my Lord.
For there comes a day, where He will wipe the tear from every eye.
And I lean on the promises of His word...and His character...and I feel His strength welling up inside me.
of course...I would LOVE to take a different road to reach my destination in this journey...
but...I will gladly take the road that the Lord God has set before me, because I know that He loves me with an everlasting love, and no matter the trials and troubles I am about to face on this road, without a doubt, I KNOW this to be true:
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:1-2 NIV
To HIM be the glory, in all things...
ALL things...
No...Hubby has not been tested.
Hubby has not been diagnosed.
Hubby likes to ignore the elephant as much as possible.
But with his sister on the church prayer list, other people talk about, ask about, pray about, LOVE about the elephant...and it is good to address the elephant.
It is healing.
Prayers are felt during time of anxiety.
I do hope, oh, how I hope! I hope and pray and hope and pray that we are on a different road on our way to Heaven and eternal life with our King and our God, but when I look out the window at the road signs and the landmarks...I am pretty sure I know which road we are on, and I just THANK and PRAISE the LORD GOD for navigating and driving us through this journey. With Him at the wheel, the journey cannot fail. Jesus, take the wheel. You have absolute control. Thank you, Lord, Thank you, for loving me, for loving us, for being with us, for strengthening us, for giving us your peace, love, mercy, grace and PEACE. Heal us, Lord. Heal our souls. Make us pure and perfect in You alone. May YOU receive all the glory forever and ever!!! Amen!
In love and Prayers....
Crazy Wife
Here goes....
I thought I would start a blog...
not so much because I want people to read it...
or to "glorify" myself....because all glory goes to God.
I guess, I am feeling the need to begin a journal...of the adventure and journey I am about to embark upon...
sounds exciting, right?
I'm not sure....
my journey...is my life - physical, emotional, spiritual - on this earth, with my dearest...my hubbie.
I do not know where this adventure will take us...but I see some landmarks on the side of the road, and some road signs, and I think I know the road we will be headed down. I would like to make it to my final destination by taking a different road.
But God's will is perfect. God's plan is perfect. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father. I do not shirk from trials and tribulations. For the good Lord uses them to strengthen us...to build us up...to teach us, develop us, form us...but...that doesn't mean I LIKE to go through the process to be developed, formed, taught, built up...
Oh, EVERY one of us is on a life journey - to be sure.
We all have a destination - life does not end when our bodies fail here on earth, but continues on for eternity. If you are willing to take the time to look around, you can see where your journey is taking you for your final destination...
But this is more about the road we will be taking to get there...and someday, in the midst of the struggles of this journey, I want to be able to remember...how did I feel at the beginning? And most importantly, I want to glorify God and see His hands at work throughout this entire process.
This blog is mostly for me.
But if you find strength and comfort from it - then praise the Lord above, and give HIM the glory.
In the beginning....
(LONG PAUSE) - I am contemplating how far back to go...
I would like to choose right now as a starting point, and address the elephant lurking in the room. But I know full well that the elephant has always been in the room, try as we have to ignore it, and this journey of ours began long long ago.
Are some things better left alone??
Do I need to exhume all these old facts and feelings from the graveyard of my heart and mind?
Perhaps I need to "tear off the band-aid" to allow anyone crazy enough to read this - with a "prologue" to this story.
When Hubbie and I met - it was love at first sight.
Truly. 100% head over heels, and the full knowledge that God had brought us together in amazing ways. There was an immediate understanding that we would be together forever.
Shortly into the relationship, he had to tear off the band-aid, exhume his painful past, and tell me about Huntington's Disease.
Huntington's is...indescribably horrible, beyond description.
The best way to describe it, is that it is similar to having ALS, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's all at the same time. Oh, yea, and throw in some depression, mood swings and outbursts while you are at it.
If you want to know more, then you may go here: http://hdsa.org/what-is-hd/
If someone has Huntington's, their children have a 50% chance of having Huntington's.
His grandpa, mom and aunt all had it.
He has a 50% chance of having it.
He wasn't sure I was willing to accept this potential struggle and challenge, especially so early in a relationship, even though we both knew God meant us to be together. He wanted me to know before it hurt too much to end the relationship and leave.
But I knew, that with God, all things are possible.
I know, that with God, we could face it together.
I still know, and have incredible peace, that IF this is God's will for our lives, then HE will see us through it, and God can use it to HIS glory.
I might not be able to SEE or predict or understand the good that could come out of this...but I know who God is. God is my Father in Heaven, my creator, my Lord, my Savior, my GOD! He is good and perfect and pure. I know that He loves me beyond measure. I know that His plan is perfect. I know that HE will give us the strength and peace to somehow get through this, He asks us to walk that journey through Huntington's. Even though we must walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we can fear no evil - WHY? - Because HE is WITH us. He won't ask us to take that journey and then abandon or forsake us. No, He will be right there with us, through it all. And so I know....it will be okay. eventually...it will be okay.
But I pray that Hubby will escape this disease, and that he will be the other side of the 50% of Huntington's children.
And so, we carried on with our lives, got married, played hard, then settled down and had children. Giving our lives into God's hands...placing our future in His plan and purpose.
People die every day - in car accidents, in work accidents, in so many ways.
Why would I give up or forfeit even 10 good years with Hubby, to avoid something that might never happen?
No - I give myself fully to Hubby, love unconditionally, withholding no emotions as a means of "protecting my heart" - no - instead, I appreciate and cherish every good moment.
The elephant was in the room all these years...but was ignored for the most part.
Certainly, no one wanted to talk about the elephant!
Not even when he stepped on your foot - you don't talk about the elephant unless you are forced to.
You might, on occasion, talk about the large grey animal in the room...but you try not to name him.
So - that's the prologue, the preamble, if you will, of this crazy story of ours...
Chapter 1
January 2012.
We had all seen a few warning signs...
we were all worried.
We all prayed that we were wrong...
but the tests came back...
Hubby's sister has Huntington's.
and no matter how hard we keep trying to ignore the elephant in the room...it seems we keep bumping into him, he is refusing to be ignored.
Now, our prayers, are that God can use this in their lives...that some good can come from this...
Remember that 50%?
So, now that she is diagnosed, our nieces each have a 50% chance of getting it.
If Hubby never gets it - our children will never get it - but if he does - then they have a 50% chance of getting it also.
It is an ugly, ugly disease.
and I watch him....suspiciously, and wait.
watching him like a hawk, wondering, and praying.
I eye him in the evenings on the couch...and wonder...has he always been this fidgety??
Is this something new?
Is he just fidgeting, or is it uncontrollable?
Is he flexing his hands because they hurt after a long day at work, or because he can't control what his hands are doing?
His feet seem like they can't get comfortable in front of the tv.
Do they hurt from standing on concrete all day long, (yes they do), or are they involuntarily twitching?
I pray and will for myself to not be annoyed when we cuddle on the couch and he doesn't stop twitching...reminding myself over and over...what if he can't control it? What if he isn't doing it on purpose?
Was he getting turned around hunting because he's just getting old like the rest of us, or is he getting confused?
Why is he the one stumbling on tree limbs and walking so noisily through the grass, when I am the one with the bum leg? He has always had cat like reflexes and amazing stealth in the woods. I swear, it was like trying to follow someone who never actually set his feet down on anything, and I was the bumbling, stumbling, noisy one chasing the elk away. But now..I am the stealthy one, while mhe is stumbling and noisy and stomping through the woods...what is going on now??
Are our finances in order?
How will I be able to make a house payment?
How will I be able to make medical payments?
How will I handle the challenges of losing my best friend, slowly and painfully? (gracefully, I hope)
And then I remind myself...it will ALL be okay.
God knows.
He is my father.
He will provide for ALL my needs - spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Everything will be fine.
I do not allow myself to go down the "what if" road...but instead, I take a sharp detour onto the "God is good, and God will provide" road instead.
I trust in Him completely.
And yet...I sit closer on the couch...
I trade places in church with the kids so that I can sit with him, stand with him, sing with him, praise our Lord God and Savior with him.
I try not to kick his legs back over onto his side of the bed, but curl up on the edge without complaint, because I know full well that there are many many people out there who would love to fight for bed space if it meant having their loved one back...knowing, that some day, that might be me.
Should we spend the money to buy our Little Man a snowmobile?
Will we use it enough to justify it?
And I think - we must - we must use it while we can - we must use it before it's too late.
Saturdays are not spent cleaning house and doing handyman jobs.
Saturdays are spent building as many memories and remember whens as possible.
Saturdays are being used as much as possible, because some day...we will not be able to use Saturdays.
Saturdays will be another caregiver day...
So we stuff Punkin and the Lil Man onto their sleds and off we go into the mountains.
It can be a lot of work, loading and unloading 4 sleds.
But we are out in God's glorious creation, chasing each other around in the powder, and laughing, and sometimes hollering, and I cherish every moment.
I watch Hubby chase his dad around the mountain and hog the powder that I want to hog, while I stay on the trail leading the kids down the road, and I smile...it's good to watch the wide open expanses of fresh powder sparkle in the sunshine and hear the BRAAAAAP, BRAAAAP of their two snowmobiles chasing each other up and down the chutes and gullies.
I look back at Punkin and Lil Man right on my tail and hit the gas a little harder, and I grin.
What a perfect day.
I round the switchback and spy Hubby above the road, dropping into the chute that I took the kids around, and I glance down the mountain at the next chute I want to drop into, but instead I putz around the road, and 3 corners later, I smile - I KNEW he would take that line! I look at his tracks and grin, knowing how much fun he just had bailing off the side of the mountain.
I blink back the tears, blip the throttle, and CHERISH the moment, carefully tucking the memory into the right file folder in my mind...
In the Bible, it talks about Jesus' mother Mary "pondering these things in her heart" - and most of us don't quite understand exactly what this means. Oh, we've heard plenty of sermons, and read books, and heard several explanations...
but now...
now...
I know.
I know.
I sit on my snowmobile/church pew/four wheeler/truck seat/camper bench/lawn chair/couch, look across at Hubby, and then the Lil Man and Punkin...and I ponder these moments in my heart.
I cherish them, and crave to burn them into my memory.
And right when I start to despair...I gather it up, and hand it to my Lord.
For there comes a day, where He will wipe the tear from every eye.
And I lean on the promises of His word...and His character...and I feel His strength welling up inside me.
of course...I would LOVE to take a different road to reach my destination in this journey...
but...I will gladly take the road that the Lord God has set before me, because I know that He loves me with an everlasting love, and no matter the trials and troubles I am about to face on this road, without a doubt, I KNOW this to be true:
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:1-2 NIV
To HIM be the glory, in all things...
ALL things...
No...Hubby has not been tested.
Hubby has not been diagnosed.
Hubby likes to ignore the elephant as much as possible.
But with his sister on the church prayer list, other people talk about, ask about, pray about, LOVE about the elephant...and it is good to address the elephant.
It is healing.
Prayers are felt during time of anxiety.
I do hope, oh, how I hope! I hope and pray and hope and pray that we are on a different road on our way to Heaven and eternal life with our King and our God, but when I look out the window at the road signs and the landmarks...I am pretty sure I know which road we are on, and I just THANK and PRAISE the LORD GOD for navigating and driving us through this journey. With Him at the wheel, the journey cannot fail. Jesus, take the wheel. You have absolute control. Thank you, Lord, Thank you, for loving me, for loving us, for being with us, for strengthening us, for giving us your peace, love, mercy, grace and PEACE. Heal us, Lord. Heal our souls. Make us pure and perfect in You alone. May YOU receive all the glory forever and ever!!! Amen!
In love and Prayers....
Crazy Wife
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