Chapter 14?
(Of the book you all want me to write?😆)
Last week I saw a campsite up Hyalite up for grabs for 20 bucks, and thought, why not?! So I worked a half day on Tuesday, loaded up my car, picked up an inflatable kayak for $20 and headed out of cell range.
Back in the day, my mom and dad gifted us a camper when Heidi was a toddler. We used to camp a lot, trying to make memories. We never camped in a campground though (other than the giant RV I drove all over Alaska). We outgrew the camper, and trying to get Rob in and out that last time in 2018, I realized we couldn't use it anymore. We parted ways with our camper. I didn't know how to keep our family traditions alive and together, so we tried camping in a cabin but it was hard for Rob. It has been years since I've been camping, (other than the backpack trip to Mystic Cabin with Yvonne last summer).
Now, I was empty nesting, and a campsite was available, so…why not go?! It is time for me to go ahead and do stuff, even if it is alone.
God blessed me with beautiful weather. Hyalite was gorgeous! I found my campsite around the corner and tucked in the trees away from the giant RVs, and popped up my new (Facebook garage sale) tent.
Then, being too Dutch to purchase firewood, drove up the road to find some dead fall. I remembered the days of pulling into some dispersed camp site in the mountains and sending the kids out to gather wood. They would come back, arms loaded down, or dragging a big log between them, yelling, "we found the jackpot." Instead, I was on my ow, but I suppose they are too old to run around yelling "jackpot!" these days. I sawed a log into pieces and loaded a big cardboard box up with good sticks…Then realized it was going to make a mess no matter how I put them in my car. 🙄🤦♀️ oh well! Good thing I have a husky liner!
I quickly ran back up to my campsite, unloaded the firewood and drug my husky liner out and shook it off. Then down to the lake I went.
I had been a little worried about carrying and pumping up the kayak with my restrictions but it was easy peasy. I could plunk it on the ground, and it didn't take too many pumps to air it up. Off I went, paddling, fishing, and just staring at the mountains from the peaceful water.
Well…about that…it wasn't the calm evening lake I hoped for. The wind wasn't too noticeable but enough that there were pretty big waves on the lake. When I borrow the plastic kayaks, they sit a little lower in the water and cut through the waves. The inflatable kayak sits on top like a tiny raft. So I was bucking waves most of the time I was rowing, and I drifted back pretty quick anytime I stopped padding to fish. I didn't mind though, I still loved it.
After a couple hours, I let myself drift towards the inlet, where I could see Hyalite Peak better, knowing it was going to be some work getting back. By now the waves were almost white capping, and I still needed to make dinner before dark, so I started "rowing" against the wind and waves for shore.
When I finally beached next to some paddleboarders, the guy commented on paddling against the wind. I agreed! I was tired! The kayak rolled back up easily and I was going to put it in my car, but decided it was going to be over my weight restriction, so I had the guy pop it in my trunk for me. See, mom, I'm being safe! 😉
I probably pushed it a little, but I need to keep pushing or this is as far as my recovery will go. I need to "slowly return to my normal level of activity!"
I had a lovely campfire (one of Rob's "white-man fires") and what Rob and the kids would call a char-b-qued "dog dog." I had to smile just thinking of them. I was enjoying the peace, staring into the fire. Every so often a couple or family would walk by, look over and wave. I think some people were surprised to see me alone. As I watched them all go by together, I wondered if I should feel sad that I'm alone...and I did, for a while.
Obviously, I'd rather have Rob there and healthy, and my kids there to spend time with, but I was ok. I'm never truly alone anyway. God goes before me. As a Christian, I am the bride of Christ. Jesus is there. He is my protector. He is my provider. He is my Wonderful Counselor. He gave us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter. I would love if Rob or the kids were there, but I'm learning to be okay even when they aren't.
We used to always camp on our anniversary. This fact wasn't lost to me, as I sat there alone. It wasn't our anniversary yet, but it will be soon.
Sitting at the campfire, I pulled out some funeral planning paperwork to fill out for both Rob and myself. After our hospice scare, I thought, "I'm not ready to plan a funeral in the middle of all these emotions!" so I want to take care of it when I'm not in the midst of great loss.
Not that there is a ton of planning that needs to be done. Rob already told me what he had wanted, so I just needed to get it out of my notebook and on record with the funeral home. I want to save myself the bother of planning a service while I am in the midst of mourning. I also wanted to write down my basics and wishes, so if/when something happens, my kids don't have to deal with it. By filling it out now, there is no pressure, so when I'm in the right "emotional space" I can fill out the details. The campfire seemed the right space.
A couple walked by with their dog, holding hands. I looked down at my paperwork and thought…well…this is weird. I should probably feel traumatized, but sometimes, taking care of the hard now, makes it easier in the long run.
Then I remembered how, when Rob was diagnosed with Huntington's, we rented the Spanish Creek cabin for our anniversary and brought a stack of legal papers to go through and discuss. No one wants to have heavy, hard conversations, especially on their anniversary, but what better place to do it than next to a mountain stream? It was also the best thing we could have done. It allowed me to know, exactly, what Rob's end of life desires and wishes were.
What medical care does he want? What doesn't he want? We even discussed his funeral wishes. What a lovely anniversary, right? But it was. Nothing brings you closer than setting yourself aside, caring only about your spouse, and having those hard conversations, with love, with compassion, with hearing each other's desires, praying for God's guidance together and knowing we will cherish the good times and face the hard together.
Lost in memory, gratitude, and the flames, I looked up to see the sun was going down. I planned to get up fairly early, so I'd best get at it. I shut camp down for the night, crawled in the sleeping bags, and slept fantastically. It was pretty chilly, but I had lots of layers and blankets. And for those worried about me alone in the "woods" I was in a campground. I had bear spray (for man or beast), I did the carabiner on the tent zipper trick, and I kept my key fob within reach - setting off my car alarm would definitely rouse the neighboring campers.
Even though I was up at 5 and hoped to get an early start on my day, I decided I should sleep in a bit longer. Afterall, I was camping with no overwhelming responsibilities waiting for me, or cell coverage for people to access me. The pressure of getting down the trail did drive me from my cozy bag in a couple hours though.
It was already warming up to a tropical 44 degrees. It took me significantly longer to tear camp down and pack up, because dew covered everything, slowing me down and soaking me pretty well. I ate a quick breakfast of jet boil instant mocha with prepacked eggs and bacon then drove off to the trailhead.
I looked for the SERVE kids, but had beat them there. I wanted to make sure I brought plenty of water, food and safety essentials, so I bumped up in backpack size. Unfortunately, I bumped up straight from small to overnighter, skipping a midsized day pack. The empty big pack is probably nearly as heavy as my small pack. It didn't feel bad in the parking lot or the first few miles, but it was definitely a mistake by the end of the day. I keep forgetting what "85% healed" looks like. Whoopsie Doodle.
I am also convinced the hiking book LIES on mileage. My GPS always reads farther. I tried to stick to the trail and skip most of the side shoots to the numerous waterfalls. There was also some major dead fall as high as my head, with no way underneath, that I had to climb up and over.
There are always water crossings on the trail, but the water was deeper than expected this time. Rob always emphasized the importance of taking care of your feet and keeping them dry. I know I wasted a good 45+ minutes bushwacking up and down one creek trying to find a way over without getting soaked. Heidi says my water crossings are "slightly risky" so she would have loved my very sketchy rotten log. Then I had to fight deadfall to get back up to the trail. Probably not the best choice but hey, my feet were dry!
Pretty soon the water became unavoidable and I had to just cross right through the waterfalls. Not surprisingly, I was delighted by my first snowdrift. When I got to the lake, my GPS already said 7 miles. It is supposed to be 10.9 round trip. Hmmmm.
The lake was beautiful as always! I offered to take a picture for a couple who arrived at the lake just before me. He told me it was their 25th anniversary. What a blessing! I told them it was almost my 26th. He offered to take my picture and I said "great! Now I can show them to my husband!" He asked why he didn't come with me. I told them he is in a memory care facility, but God is taking good care of us and we are very blessed. They heartily agreed that God is in control and told me to have a blessed day. How could I not, out here in His creation?!
I ate my "snacklebox" lunch in the not so peaceful, very mosquitoey lakeside, then decided to walk around the lake. It looked awful shallow to attempt fishing. I imagine it freezes solid in the winter, so instead of fishing, I wanted to get close to the cliffs. It's so beautiful and peaceful there. I praise God for His power, majesty and might as seen in the beauty of His creation.
As I stood at the lake, soaking up the beauty, it dawned on me. The last time I hiked up here was several years ago with "my hiking ladies" (Kelley Halle's Walking in Faith group). At that time, I was really struggling with Rob's care at home as his symptoms progressed, while still trying to work full time and be a mom. I had been sleeping on the couch for about 6 months so far. I was going to need an in home caregiver once school started. Rob was having trouble eating. There was so so much to handle.
I remember Michelle Leum and a couple other ladies told me I should start looking into a care facility. At first, I was resistant…a facility was never on my radar or part of my plan, but I also didn't expect his dementia to outpace his physical limitations. Michelle told me it's a good idea to at least tour them, pick one, and get on a waiting list, so in case he had another drastic change in symptoms (as happens with Huntington's), we would be ready. She also said I could be on a wait list and never use it. She knew someone on the top of a waiting list who had been turning down openings for over a dozen years. There was a lot of discussion and "group therapy" for me as I walked with and talked with different ladies throughout the day. I teared up as I remembered their love, compassion, advice, and prayers as they (literally) walked with me through another stretch of this long journey. I appreciate you ladies more than you know! And look at where things are now...look at Rob now...it feels like no time has passed, yet also an eternity has passed since that hike. So much has changed. What would or could the current me go back to tell that me? It will all be okay. God has it all under control. You will do fine under the Shepherd's care. My gratitude for my Savior and my community of believers is overwhelming at times.
I looked around the cirque. I knew I was way WAY over my time frame, but I needed this time to recuperate and reminisce, so I adjusted my expectations. My kayak rental was going to be late. Oh well. I was here, thinking, praying, healing, and I needed to be smart instead of pushing too hard down the trail. I made my July snowman from one of the smaller drifts, took 1000 pictures for Rob, looked at my watch, then headed down the trail. My GPS read 9.1 miles at the 1st switchback going down. Not exactly 10.9 miles round trip…I was tired, but not exhausted. I was already dreading the last few miles, though. I may have bitten off too much…but there's only 1 way out, and it's on my own 2 feet! At least it was downhill now. I'm sure Rob would have checked me before I even left the trailhead, to make sure I considered what state of recovery I am in before hiking too far. Well..I gotta learn on my own sometimes. 🤷♀️🤣
I purposefully didn't stop for pictures on the way down. I should probably get down to cell coverage and check in with people. In fact, for all I knew, Rob had suffered some kind of mishap or setback and Spring Creek couldn't get ahold of me. Hiking out was fine until the last few miles. My legs and wet feet were shot. My plantar fasciitis was complaining rather loudly. It stinks getting old!
I slowed down, took several breaks, ate the last of my food and drained my last water. I had plenty waiting for me in the car and I would get there soon enough. That last giant deadfall however…I stood staring at it and thought, "Lord, This is going to do me in…get me over this one!" A college kid on a mountain bike laughed about the size of the deadfall, then picked his bike up with one hand and climbed over. Thanks for making me feel old and weak, dude! It is higher than my head! I managed to get up top, then sat and rested before dropping off the other side. I was very careful not to strain anything I shouldn't. I was so happy to be over that thing! Then I plodded on down to my car. I immediately dropped my pack, peeled off my socks and shoes, slipped into my flip flops, drank 2 bottles of water and ate a bunch of camping food. I plugged my phone in and checked the GPS. 16.4 miles. What on earth? "Slowly work up to my normal level of activity?" Ummmm…sure….whoops! 🤣😆 85% Julie...85%, not 110!
I wasn't going to make it to cell coverage in time to call on my late rental before they closed, so I decided to enjoy the beautiful drive back out. I was sure the SERVE kids had already left, but I was watching for them until I drove past a car on the side of the road with a couple sitting next to it ..was that…Pastor Tim and Heidi??? I slammed on the brakes, popped her in reverse, whipped a u-turn in the middle of the road and parked like a tourist, sideways in the middle of the pull out. Sure enough, it was them! We sat and chatted while I stretched my legs and recovered a bit more. I kept apologizing for parking like an idiot to anyone who pulled into the turnout and they commented on my license plates so I told the story of Rob saying, "Look out Mister, she earned these plates!" as I pulled into a restaurant parking lot (the guy was 20 yards away, for goodness sake!).
I sat and told Rob stories with Tim and Heidi for quite a while before deciding I had better get to cell coverage and check in with people before they send search and rescue after me.
The closer I got to cell range, the more I worried about what could have happened to Rob or any other family member while I wasn’t rereachableI worry more about what happens to everyone elsebwhen I'mgone than I do about myself, alone on another adventure! Thankfully, the most pressing messages were that the SERVE kids would be arriving to do yard work for me in the morning and the kayak rental place looking for the kayak and stating I'll owe a late fee. There was also a new note in Rob's chart from his Doc, going over his most recent observations and Rob's geriatric symptoms. I didn't notice a couple of missed calls from Spring Creek...when I'm out of coverage my missed calls and voice-mail go into cyberland.
They did try to reach me at 11 pm while I was in the shower. Rob had fallen 3 times that day. He won't stay in his wheelchair. Or he slides out of his chair and hits the floor. I was going to call back but decided I could just chat with them in the morning.
I was home. I was well rested (but my legs were trash), and my cup was overflowing with blessings from God. I so needed the respite from life the last few days had provided.
Thursday.
As much as I wanted to sleep in, and as scared as I was to attempt walking, much less working out, I still rolled out of bed and went to Cami's class that morning. I figured it would help loosen me up. We started immediately on legs and glutes, followed by weights. Great! 🤣 But it was good for me and better than not moving at all.
I made it home and showered before the SERVE team arrived. While caring for Rob, I ignored several problems/projects on the house (not just my health). Now I am looking around thinking, "I should probably take care of ____ before it becomes a problem" (like cysts that are actually carcinoma!) But, I also can't lift enough yet to do some projects alone, and don't know enough to fix others.
I am incredibly grateful for the SERVE kids who came to help with some landscaping. We never finished putting a border around the house (I would just spray it with roundup) but between the mud and the neighbor cats, it was time to do something! Now I have a rock border around the house and a tree island! They could have helped redo my "tree circles" in front, but I haven't decided what I want to do there yet, as I still need space to drive a four wheeler around back.
I needed to go to work and couldn't stay with the teams. I went to work, then went to Spring Creek to pick up Rob and talk to the nurses. Rob was more responsive on his ride on that day! He walked out the door with a smile. We drove a lot of gravel roads in the valley, eventually seeing 2 tiny fawns with spots directly in the road not 10 yards from my car. (Not fast enough with my camera) Rob said they were "verrrrrry cute." He also said "they are, uhhhh whitetails" then the doe scooped them up and back out into the field. I was excited he said so much and tried to get him talking more. No luck.
I told him all about my camping, trying to spark memories (like butt fishing in Hyalite Reservoir, etc) to get a response. He grunted when I said I tried to keep my feet dry but had to walk through water. It wasn't until I said I wasn't sure if there were fish in the lake because it is so shallow, and he said, "what, uh….lake was that?" So I told him Hyalite Lake again. He rubbed his head like he was thinking. I said it might freeze in the winter. No response. I asked him if the time he ended up underneath his upside down sled in the creek up Hyalite was in Hyalite Creek or headed up to Emerald and Heather, and he just mumbled "yeah." I'm forgetting too many details of his Rob stories.
Later some horses in a field really caught his attention. I pointed at a dark one and asked, "What was your mom's big black horse's name again?" He said, "I think it was…uh…Maggie" (No, Maggie was white, I think his mom's horse was Moriah) Then he said, "she died, in, ahhhhhh….childbirth…ot was in the summer....I like making snowmen…and goin fer long walks." What?! All these sentences at one time? So he WAS listening earlier when I was talking about my hike and my July snowman! Then…he was silent the rest of the way back. I think I got a grunt when pointing out a hayfield.
In the meantime, one of the leaders of a serve team called to tell me where they put my scissors. It was the same team that had painted Tana's deck, so I was sorry I missed seeing them again.
Friday
Heidi was flying home on Friday, and more SERVE kids were coming to finish the weedscreen and rock work, so I decided it was best to set up my laptop and work from home. I also needed to set my tent back up so it could dry out before I repacked it. It is good to have Heidi home!! I did realize though, that I haven’t bought groceries in…weeks! Better grab some tomorrow. She said she opened the fridge and it was "just crickets."
Saturday
I spent Saturday doing chores and taking Rob for a ride. He was very lethargic, withdrawn and nonverbal today. He needed his wheelchair and standing up seemed to exhaust him. I only got a couple of "yeahs" as we watched guys hay. And a yeah when I asked if our drive was too long and if he was tired. He went straight to bed when I brought him back. I tucked him in, then shut the door. Every time I look at his picture outside his door, I am surprised to see how drastically he has changed in just 2 years since he has been there. And I thought he looked bad then! Oh, Rob! Poor guy. I feel so bad for him.
Rob used to say he has no regrets. He lived a good life. And if just ONE, just one person could be saved by watching our story, it would all be worth it. Will you be his "Just One?" I pray you are.
God bless you, and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you, and give you peace.
#adventuresofacrazywife #lifeasaHager #gratefulthankfulblessed
